Issue 5115

Corporate Wellness Programs

Following in the footsteps of Google’s new employee meditation program, companies across the country are introducing more wellness initiatives aimed at keeping health care costs down and boosting worker productivity.

Budget Wedding Tips

With Americans still feeling the effects of the recession, many engaged couples are looking for ways to save money on their wedding by holding a smaller ceremony, hunting for deals, and more.

Mom Scared For NHL Players Without Visors

BEMIDJI, MN—Visibly horrified as she listed off numerous ways in which they could easily get hurt, local mother Anne Hendrickson expressed grave concern Monday for NHL players who don’t wear visors on their helmets.

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Who Is Marco Rubio?

Following similar announcements by Ted Cruz and Rand Paul, Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) has become the third GOP candidate to declare his bid in the 2016 presidential race.

Umpire Says He Was On LSD When He Called No-Hitter

NEW YORK—Saying that he only vaguely remembers the historic game, former MLB umpire Jim Quick admitted Monday to calling a no-hitter during a 1980 matchup between the Los Angeles Dodgers and San Francisco Giants while high on the hallucinogenic drug...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 
End Of Section
  • More News

Lovestruck Arabian Princess Begs Father To Spare John Kerry’s Life

KINGDOM OF GOLDEN SANDS—Throwing herself in front of her beloved U.S. secretary of state as the royal executioner raised his scimitar, Princess Amirah of Arabia reportedly begged her father the sultan Friday to spare John Kerry’s life. “Please, Father, I love him!” cried the headstrong youngest daughter of the monarch as she flung her arms around the former Massachusetts senator’s neck and refused to let go. “He is a good man, a kind man, and he is the one I have chosen. He wants only to love me, Father. If you kill him then you will kill me too, for our hearts are forever entwined.” At press time, the strong-willed princess was still clinging to the 2004 presidential candidate and imploring her father to look within himself and remember how it felt when he too was in love.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.