adBlockCheck

Issue 5128

Biggest Moves In NBA Free Agency

With numerous star players inking max contracts over the past two weeks, the first month of NBA free agency has already shaken up rosters across the league. Onion Sports examines the biggest free agent signings so far.

Tips For Cheaper Airfare

Whether the busy travel season, fuel prices, or airline collusion is to blame, airfare is currently very pricey, making traveling more difficult. The Onion walks you through some ways to reduce the cost of flying

Every Comment On ‘Immaculate Reception’ YouTube Video Clearly From Franco Harris

PITTSBURGH—Noting that the dozens of rambling, overly excited posts date all the way back to when the clip was first uploaded in early 2011, sources confirmed Thursday that every comment below a YouTube video of the famed 1972 “Immaculate Reception” football play was clearly written by Pittsburgh Steelers Hall of Fame running back Franco Harris.

Astronomers Just Going To Go Ahead And Say Dark Matter Nitrogen

‘Fuck It, We’re Done,’ Say Scientists

WASHINGTON—Declaring that this is the last time they ever hope to speak of the aggravatingly enigmatic substance, astronomers from NASA announced Thursday that they are just going to go ahead and say that dark matter is nitrogen.

Disneyland Turns 60: A Look Back

The Disneyland Resort opened its gates 60 years ago this July in Anaheim, CA, where it has delighted park patrons for decades with its iconic rides and ability to bring Disney’s animated films to life. The Onion looks back at some of the milestone moments in the park’s history

What We’ve Learned About Pluto

Nearly 10 years after its launch, the New Horizons space probe made a flyby 7,750 miles from Pluto, marking the first time in history a spacecraft has examined the dwarf planet up close, and NASA has begun to release data and images transmitted from the approach. Here’s what we’ve learned about Pluto so far

U.S. Soothes Upset Netanyahu With Shipment Of Ballistic Missiles

WASHINGTON—Following Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s heated objections to the nuclear deal struck between the United States and Iran, American officials announced Tuesday that they were calming the upset head of government by treating him to a nice, big shipment of ballistic missiles.

The Case For And Against The Iranian Nuclear Deal

After 20 months of negotiations, the United States and five other nations reached a historic, though controversial, agreement with Iran yesterday that will remove sanctions against the Middle Eastern nation in exchange for limits on the country’s production of nuclear material. Here are the leading arguments for and against the deal

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Candidate Profile: Scott Walker

Wisconsin governor Scott Walker formally announced Monday that he will run for the Republican nomination in the 2016 presidential election, bringing one of the frontrunners in early polls officially into the race. Here are some key facts to know about Walker
End Of Section
  • More News

Black-Backed Jackals Seek Asylum In Wildlife Preserve As Preventative Measure

SKUKUZA, SOUTH AFRICA—Traveling hundreds of miles across the African continent in search of a safe haven, the world’s black-backed jackals began seeking asylum in Kruger National Park as a preventative measure, sources confirmed Friday. “Right now it’s not absolutely necessary for us to find sanctuary on protected land, but we’re hoping to get in early to mitigate some of the future damage,” said a male jackal, one of thousands of his species that have continued to pour into the park this week to join those already living there. “Obviously, we’d really prefer to continue living in our original territory, but we’ve reached the conclusion that it is simply not worth the risk. It’s probably better for all of us to come here now rather than wait 15 years when there are only 10 percent of us left.” At press time, however, other jackals had instead simply lain down to die, as there was no point in delaying the inevitable.


More from this section

Tips For Cheaper Airfare

Whether the busy travel season, fuel prices, or airline collusion is to blame, airfare is currently very pricey, making traveling more difficult. The Onion walks you through some ways to reduce the cost of flying

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close