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Issue 5207

Perfect Gentleman Does Not Assault Drunk Woman

COLUMBUS, OH—Describing the fact that he had not caused her any physical harm as a mark of true gentility, sources confirmed Friday that local man Thomas Lowell had been a “perfect gentleman” the night before by not assaulting 25-year-old Leah Pace while she was inebriated.

Tiny Ben Carson Tugs At Debate Moderator’s Pant Leg

‘Hey! Down Here!’ Candidate Says

HOUSTON—In an effort to get the attention of the event’s moderator, a tiny Ben Carson reportedly waved his little arms and tugged at CNN political anchor Wolf Blitzer’s pant leg during Thursday night’s GOP debate.

Depraved Candidate Struggling To Support $100,000-A-Day Advertising Habit

RICHMOND, VA—Having already blown through the previous night’s fundraising contributions on a couple quick radio ads criticizing Ted Cruz’s voting record, depraved presidential candidate Marco Rubio reportedly hit up numerous donors Wednesday in a desperate attempt to support his $100,000-a-day advertising habit.

Jeb Bush Bungles Several Questions On First Day Back At Home

CORAL GABLES, FL—Noting how he repeatedly stumbled over his words and struggled to formulate convincing and consistent responses when asked by his wife about how he slept and what he wanted to have for breakfast, sources confirmed Monday that former presidential candidate Jeb Bush bungled numerous questions on his first day back at home.

Bored God Tries To Fit All Of Jupiter In Mouth

THE HEAVENS—Saying He’d had absolutely nothing to do all day, the Lord our God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, reportedly attempted to alleviate His boredom Monday by seeing if He could fit the entire planet Jupiter into His mouth.
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