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Issue 5215

Public Assured Escaped Convict Has 24 Years Of Rehabilitation Under His Belt

CREST HILL, IL—While alerting the public Thursday that inmate Leonard Sawyer had escaped from the facility during the night and was currently at large, officials from Stateville Correctional Center sought to assuage local residents’ concerns by emphasizing that the convict has 24 years of rehabilitation under his belt.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

A Timeline Of Marijuana Legalization

With Pennsylvania becoming the 24th state to legalize medical marijuana, many lawmakers are weighing whether to decriminalize the drug. Here is a timeline of marijuana’s journey from restricted substance to everyday commodity.

Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels

LEVEL 5—A group of video game henchmen patrolling the warehouse hideout of their criminal mastermind boss informed reporters Wednesday of their upcoming plan to take a brief break from making their rounds to meet up around a stack of five highly explosive barrels.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Nation Relieved Insufferable Little ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Don’t Have Book To Lord Over Them This Season

WASHINGTON—Telling reporters they were unable to convey the full extent of their gratitude that the plot of the hit HBO series had finally surpassed the events of the novels, citizens across the country expressed immense relief Sunday that all the insufferable little Game Of Thrones fans would no longer be able to lord the books over everyone else just trying to enjoy the show. “After five unbearable seasons of constantly hearing how ‘the books handled things much differently,’ it’s just so nice to know I won’t have to deal with any of that shit this time around,” said White Plains, NY resident Cathryn Wakeman, echoing the sentiments of millions of viewers who had become exasperated by the incessant comments from “all those little shits” about how the televised version of a battle strayed from the George R.R. Martin novels. “Every time there was a slight deviation, one of those fuckers would have to chime in with how someone from the show was actually a composite of ‘two way more interesting’ characters from the book or how the producers left out a passage critical to understanding Westeros or some shit like that. Thank God those assholes just have to sit there and wait to find out what happens next like the rest of us.” Although the nation was looking forward to watching the fantasy show unbothered by annoying remarks from fans of the books, Americans said they wouldn’t put it past the little pricks to butt in with fan theories they picked up online.

More from this section

Public Assured Escaped Convict Has 24 Years Of Rehabilitation Under His Belt

CREST HILL, IL—While alerting the public Thursday that inmate Leonard Sawyer had escaped from the facility during the night and was currently at large, officials from Stateville Correctional Center sought to assuage local residents’ concerns by emphasizing that the convict has 24 years of rehabilitation under his belt.

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