Issue 5230

Obama Holds Camp David Summit To Ease Tensions With Coyotes

THURMONT, MD—Predicting a landmark diplomatic breakthrough in the historically bitter and contentious relationship, President Barack Obama said Wednesday he has high hopes for talks this week at Camp David intended to ease tensions with the coyote population.

A Timeline Of The Feminist Movement

Seeking equal representation of women in all facets of society, the feminist movement has found a prominent place in the national conversation and has evolved greatly from one decade to the next. The Onion looks at some of the movement’s critical milestones.

How Juries Are Selected

The process of selecting 12 individuals to serve as a jury of the defendant’s peers is a hallowed part of our justice system. The Onion provides a step-by-step look at how these jurors are chosen

‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.

Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative

NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

God Loses Tip Of Finger In Black Hole Accident

MESSIER 74 GALAXY—Recoiling in pain after the gravitational vortex tore off a chunk of flesh and bone down to the first knuckle, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, reportedly lost the tip of His right index finger Monday in an accident involving an intermediate-mass black hole.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.
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Olympics Head Priestess Slits Throat Of Official Rio Mascot To Sanctify Opening Ceremony

RIO DE JANEIRO—Gripping the brightly colored character neck and displaying him as an offering to ensure a successful Games, Olympics head priestess Esmeralda Caixeta sanctified the opening ceremony by slitting the throat of Rio mascot Vinicius from ear to ear, sources confirmed Friday. “Ladies and gentlemen, it looks like the priestess has entered the stadium alongside a group of cloaked, chanting monks to bless the Rio Games with a traditional blood sacrifice,” NBC commentator Bob Costas said as the hooded priestess jerked the mascot’s smiling, furry head back and slowly drew a dagger across his exposed throat, using an ornamental bowl to collect the spraying blood. “Now she’s using her bare hands to anoint the torchbearer’s face with the fallen mascot’s blood before the cauldron is lit, which is an Olympic tradition dating back to the eighth century B.C. Of course, the priestess’s age is unknown, but she is said to have performed this sacrament for every opening ceremony since the original festivals in Olympia. Folks, this is a real treat.” The high priestess then reportedly beheaded Vinicius, kicked his still-twitching body off the stage, and announced, in a booming voice, “I declare open the Games of Rio celebrating the 31st Olympiad of the modern era,” as the mascot’s limp body tumbled down the stadium steps.

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