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Issue 5232

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Ryan Lochte Now Changing Account Of Events Going Back Years Before Robbery

Olympian Claiming He Was Never A Competitive Swimmer, Works As A Graphic Designer

CHARLOTTE, NC—Amid conflicting reports of his alleged robbery in Rio de Janeiro alongside three of his teammates, sources confirmed Thursday that U.S. Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte has begun changing his account of events going back years before the incident.

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing

NSA: ‘Can Somebody Good At Computers Help Us?’

FORT MEADE, MD—Explaining that things weren’t working right and he didn’t know why, visibly frustrated National Security Agency director Michael S. Rogers called a press conference Thursday afternoon to ask if somebody good at computers could help out the intelligence organization.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Olympic Officials: ‘On The Whole, Only 4 Or 5 Really Terrible Things Happened’

RIO DE JANEIRO—Reflecting on the recently concluded 2016 Summer Games in Rio, members of the International Olympic Committee held a press conference Sunday to proudly announce that on the whole, only about four or five really terrible things happened. “Looking back, all of it actually went pretty well over the past two weeks, aside from a handful of truly awful incidents,” said IOC president Thomas Bach, adding that while there were several absolutely embarrassing and ugly moments, the Rio Games “went a lot better than expected, generally speaking, which is pretty good.” “Admittedly, there were a few really horrific things that took place, and those were regrettable, certainly. But when you look past those, it was fine.” Bach then concluded the press conference by shrugging his shoulders and saying, “Brazil did all right.”

More from this section

Ryan Lochte Now Changing Account Of Events Going Back Years Before Robbery

Olympian Claiming He Was Never A Competitive Swimmer, Works As A Graphic Designer

CHARLOTTE, NC—Amid conflicting reports of his alleged robbery in Rio de Janeiro alongside three of his teammates, sources confirmed Thursday that U.S. Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte has begun changing his account of events going back years before the incident.

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