Issue 5235

‘The Case, Mr. Kerry, Give Me The Case,’ Demands Malaysian Ambassador Holding Dangling John Kerry From Petronas Towers Skybridge

KUALA LUMPUR, MALAYSIA—Telling the U.S. secretary of state this was his final chance to hand over the briefcase he had been pursuing for months, Malaysian ambassador Dato’ Seri Halim Wan Salleh reportedly promised John Kerry he would spare his life in return for the item Friday as he held the dangling American statesman over the side of the Petronas Towers Skybridge.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Retired Security Guard Pens Open Letter To Colin Kaepernick About National Anthem

BOZEMAN, MT­—Describing the San Francisco 49ers quarterback’s controversial decision to sit during the national anthem in protest against systemic racism as “shameful” and “a disgrace to our nation,” retired security guard Rick Arnold, 63, reportedly penned a critical open letter to Colin Kaepernick in the opinion section of his local newspaper Tuesday.

Abortion: Myth Vs. Fact

As more and more cases of abortion restriction make their way to higher courts, pro-life and pro-choice defenders continue their longstanding battle on the national stage. The Onion reviews some common myths about the practice
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Nation Just Goes Ahead And Decides ‘Freedom Prevails Over Hate’ Is Lesson Of 9/11

WASHINGTON—Acknowledging they had been going back and forth on possible options for much of the past 15 years and that none really seemed to fit, citizens across the country confirmed Sunday they had decided to just go ahead and declare that “freedom prevails over hate” was the enduring lesson of the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks. “This issue comes up every anniversary, and everyone felt like we just needed to settle it once and for all, so we all agreed that 9/11 taught us that freedom will always conquer fear and hate,” said Canton, OH resident Matthew Boyd, 37, echoing the feelings of all 320 million Americans who, from this point forward, will reflect on the worst terrorist strike on U.S. soil by simply recalling the short phrase and leaving it at that. “We also considered ‘terrorism never wins’ or ‘freedom has a price’ as the lesson of September 11, but we’re just going with this one. It’s not perfect—I know some people are going to bring up how we lost some freedoms after the attacks and how there may be more hate now than before, but the bottom line is that all the other potential lessons had their own issues. This one works fine, and we want to just pick one and stick with it. So this is what it is now, and that’s that.” At press time, the nation was reportedly still sifting through the thousands of lessons learned from the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

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