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Issue 5239

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

How The Debates Can Be Improved

Many voters and journalists have criticized this election season’s debates for their lack of substance and fact-checking. The Onion presents some ways the debates can be improved

Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.
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GOP Leaders’ Daughters: ‘It’s Pretty Fucked Up If We’re The Only Reason You’re Denouncing Trump’s Statements’

WASHINGTON—Saying they felt physically sickened by the notion that the lewd and disturbing comments weren’t enough to draw harsh condemnation on their own, the daughters of the nation’s GOP leaders reportedly stated Sunday that it’s “pretty fucked up” if they are the only reason their fathers are denouncing Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s recently unearthed remarks about assaulting women. “Do you know how fucking twisted it is if you’re only speaking out about the Trump video because you watched it and then thought of us and only then realized these were unacceptable things to say? Are you fucking kidding me?” said the daughters of numerous leading Republican figures, including vice presidential nominee Mike Pence, Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell, Sen. Ted Cruz, former Florida governor Jeb Bush, and Sen. John Cornyn, adding that you would have to be “a real piece of shit” to be okay with these statements otherwise. “So let me get this straight: You wouldn’t have recognized this was disgusting, criminal behavior before we were born or—oh, God—if we were your sons instead of your daughters? That’s even more fucking horrifying to think about. Jesus, Dad, you need to figure some shit out.” At press time, the daughters of GOP leaders were wondering why the fuck their fathers apparently hadn’t thought of them even once when denouncing women’s reproductive rights.


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Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

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