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Issue 5303

Getting To Know The Trump Family

With Donald Trump in the White House, many wonder what the new first family will be like. The Onion introduces you to the members of Trump’s family:

Home Repair Tips

When projects need to be completed around the house, calling contractors can be expensive. Here are The Onion’s tips for do-it-yourself home repairs:

Cockroaches Feeling Very Optimistic About Future Of Planet

NEW YORK—Declaring that their outlook is as hopeful as it’s been in decades, an overwhelming majority of the world’s cockroaches said in a poll released Thursday by the Pew Research Center that they felt “highly optimistic” about the future of the planet.

How Will Immigration Change Under Trump?

President Donald Trump repeatedly promised on the campaign trail to toughen up U.S. immigration policy through stricter controls and enforcement. Here is how immigration will change under Trump.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.
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  • More News

How Trump Plans To Improve America’s Cybersecurity

  • Examine exact replica of a laptop to get inside the head of a real computer user

  • Encourage Americans to save sensitive documents to the desktop and send computer via courier to intended recipient

  • Shrink Rudy Giuliani down to size of microchip to infiltrate terror organizations’ hard drives

  • Create cabinet-level Secretary of Cybersecurity position to be helmed by octogenarian textile magnate

  • Motivate intelligence community by continuing to delegitimize, undervalue everything they do

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