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Issue 5317

Greyhound To Send Chimps On Pioneering Bus Trip From Buffalo To Atlantic City

Interstate Voyage Seen As Step Toward One Day Placing Humans On Route

DALLAS—In order to assess the viability of the route for potential travel by human beings, Greyhound officials announced at a press conference Wednesday a mission that will send a pair of chimpanzees on a pioneering 457-mile overland bus trip from Buffalo, NY to Atlantic City, NJ.

Subway Drops Jared Fogle As Spokesperson

MILFORD, CT—Claiming that his actions no longer reflect the company’s values, fast food restaurant chain Subway announced Monday that it has dropped convicted pedophile Jared Fogle as its corporate spokesperson.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.
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