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Issue 5318

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.

Milestones In Artificial Intelligence

Twenty years ago today, computer Deep Blue made history by beating world champion Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. The Onion looks back at some of the most important moments in the development of AI technology:

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.
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Amazon Building Homeless Shelter Inside Seattle Headquarters

Partnering with a nonprofit, Amazon is donating 47,000 square feet of space in its new headquarters as permanent housing for the homeless. What do you think?

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Milestones In Artificial Intelligence

Twenty years ago today, computer Deep Blue made history by beating world champion Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. The Onion looks back at some of the most important moments in the development of AI technology:

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