Issue 5332

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Contents Of The Voyager Golden Record

Forty years ago this week, NASA launched Voyager 2, which carries a gold-plated record featuring pictures and sounds from Earth as well as scientific information, all of which was carefully compiled in anticipation of a possible extraterrestrial encounter. Here are the contents of the record:

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.
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Francis Ford Coppola Admits Wedding Scene In ‘The Godfather’ Needed More Lasagna

RUTHERFORD, CA—Reminiscing to reporters about his 1972 classic The Godfather, filmmaker Francis Ford Coppola said Saturday that while he remained proud of the movie’s iconic opening wedding scene, he conceded that it could have used a lot more lasagna. “I really fought with the studio on that, but ultimately they just weren’t willing to pay for all the steaming-hot trays of lasagna you would want, from an artistic standpoint, to see at Connie Corleone’s wedding reception,” said Coppola, noting that in the first shot he had hoped to put a big pan of lasagna on Vito Corleone’s desk so the don could offer a piece to the weeping Bonasera, but due to budgetary restraints the man was instead given a shot of liquor. “The few layers of pasta and ricotta and meat sauce you do see in the movie were made from Styrofoam to keep costs down. I was especially disappointed when we couldn’t afford to film the singer Johnny Fontane putting down his microphone, picking up a spatula, and serving oversized helpings of lasagna to the bride and groom while the whole Corleone family looks on and laughs. I know you sometimes have to make compromises, but I sometimes wish I chose something else.” The director added that during the famous restaurant scene, he had originally wanted Michael Corleone to eat some lasagna, excuse himself to go to the bathroom—where his associates had secretly planted even more lasagna—and then emerge grinning with big, heaping platefuls of the dish for everyone.

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