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Issue 5335

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.
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Cruel Broadcast Gods Rip Away Bonus Coverage Of Football Game

NEW YORK—Demonstrating their callous indifference to human suffering, the cruel broadcast gods ripped away CBS’ bonus coverage of Sunday’s game between the Raiders and Titans, sources confirmed this afternoon. “Okay, due to NFL rules, we’re now going to have to take you back to the studio,” said the cold, unfeeling disembodied voice as the unexpected extra footage of the matchup bestowed on the millions of television viewers was swiftly and coldly ripped away from their clutch just after they had become fully engrossed in the game’s closing minutes. “We’ll be sure to keep you updated on the score. For now, let’s take a look at some of the highlights from around the the league.” At press time, sources confirmed that the heartless broadcast gods from Fox were informing their viewers that some of them would be watching the Carolina Panthers versus the San Francisco 49ers instead of the coveted late game between the Seattle Seahawks and Green Bay Packers.

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