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Issue 5336

Stephen Hawking Reportedly Working On Juicy Tell-All Formula

CAMBRIDGE, UNITED KINGDOM—Suggesting that the revelatory new work would “completely shake things up” and “get everyone talking,” Cambridge University sources close to Stephen Hawking reported Thursday that the world-renowned theoretical physicist and cosmologist was working on a new juicy tell-all formula.

Features Of The New iPhone 8

In today’s Apple keynote, Tim Cook unveiled the highly anticipated iPhone 8 and previewed its new features. Here are some specifications of the new model:

Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

How Hurricanes Form

In the midst of a record hurricane season, meteorologists are paying close attention as storms take shape and gather strength. Here’s a step-by-step guide to how hurricanes form.
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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want. “You know what, the offense may have however many guys they need on the field to make this fucking thing close,” declared Steratore while waving the 49ers sideline onto the field before picking up the flag he had initially thrown for an illegal substitution. “Put 12 or 13 men in the huddle if you need to, or put the whole goddamn roster on the field. Fuck it, they’re all eligible receivers, too. Go 15-wide if that’s what you gotta do.” At press time, a visibly frustrated Steratore had ruled that, for all he cared, the 49ers could also violently shake an opposing players’ facemask or tear a ball carrier down by the collar if they could get close enough.

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