A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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President Donald Trump: The First 100 Days

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DAY 31: Color Drains From Michael Flynn’s Face After Single Red Dahlia Drops Out Of Envelope From Russian Intelligence

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DAY 30: Mar-A-Lago Member Complains About Loud, Obnoxious Cabinet Meeting At Next Table

PALM BEACH, FL—Saying that the noisy group was really getting on his nerves, Mar-a-Lago country club member Walter Forsyth reportedly complained to the management Thursday about the obnoxious U.S. cabinet meeting seated at the next table. “I just wanted a nice, quiet dinner, but this rowdy table of high-ranking government officials keeps rudely shouting about classified policy initiatives,” said Forsyth, adding that more than a dozen raucous aides and advisors had pulled up chairs to a table that was clearly only meant to seat six. “I didn’t pay all this money in membership fees to have these insufferable officials barge in and take over the entire dining room with their piles of sensitive documents spread out everywhere like no one else is even here. I’m just trying to enjoy the prime rib, and they’re on their phones loudly talking to some foreign leader. This is the same disrespectful group, of course, that was yelling about North Korea in the spa.” At press time, a waiter was politely asking the party to take their conversation about the Iran nuclear deal into the bar area or the lobby.

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DAY 29: Trump Staffer Grateful To Work With So Many People He Could Turn Over To FBI In Exchange For Immunity

WASHINGTON—Fully mindful of the privilege he enjoyed, Trump administration staffer Greg Potreski told reporters Friday that he was grateful to be working with so many individuals he could turn over to the FBI in exchange for immunity. “It’s such an honor to be surrounded by almost countless people who, if it ever came down to it, I could hand over to the authorities in order to escape prosecution,” said Potreski, adding that he never imagined he’d find himself in a workplace that was staffed wall-to-wall with professionals whose comparatively more serious crimes he could expose to save himself. “I’ve held positions in government before, but I’ve never had an experience like this—there’s an opportunity for me to do no jail time in every single office. I learn so much just by talking to these folks.” When asked by reporters, Potreski’s colleagues said they were equally grateful to have someone like him at work.

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DAY 28: Steve Bannon's Inflamed Liver Pulsing Visibly Through Shirt During Strategy Meeting

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DAY 27: What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.

Q: What are Trump’s advisors accused of doing?

A: Violating the Logan Act, which states that American civilians must wait until after they take political office to commit treason.

Q: Why did Flynn lie about his phone calls with the Russian ambassador?

A: The humble general doesn’t like to draw too much attention to his collusion with foreign governments.

Q: Is it possible that Flynn really didn’t recall illegally discussing Russian sanctions?

A: An outspoken advocate of intervention in the Middle East, Flynn is known to have a somewhat short memory.

Q: Did Trump know about the contact between his team and Russian intelligence?

A: All evidence thus far suggests that Trump hasn’t been cognizant of the world outside his head since at least 1993.

Q: Didn’t Rex Tillerson receive the Russian Order of Friendship?

A: We’re talking about a completely different cozy relationship with Putin right now, okay?

Q: Are Trump and Putin friends?

A: Psychologists believe that while sociopaths can seem friendly with one another, they’re unable to form the type of bond required for meaningful relationships.

Q: Is this exactly the kind of change Washington needed?

A: No.

Q: What will come out of a congressional probe into this matter?

A: Nothing a few news cycles can’t bury.

Q: Why are so many Republican congressmen reluctant to investigate?

A: As a matter of professional decorum, they would never dream of impugning a sitting president.

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DAY 26: Paul Ryan Grudgingly Impressed By Angry Protester Who’s Matched His Running Pace For 9 Miles

WASHINGTON—Marveling at the outraged, shouting woman’s conditioning, House Speaker Paul Ryan told reporters Tuesday he could not help but be impressed by the infuriated protester who had been keeping up with his running pace for the last nine miles. “She’s extremely irritating, and I absolutely disagree with her political views, but I’ve got to hand it to her for maintaining a consistent seven-minute mile this whole time,” said Ryan during a morning run around the Tidal Basin, adding that the woman’s stamina was particularly impressive considering she had sustained a steady chant of “Do your job!” since she caught up with the Wisconsin Republican alongside the Jefferson Memorial more than an hour earlier. “I honestly thought she would have lost steam on lap three and given up, but her endurance and aerobic capacity are absolutely incredible. She hasn’t lowered her sign even once. I wonder what kind of regimen she’s on.” After a quick cooldown, Ryan told reporters the protester’s energy had been particularly helpful in preparing him for an upcoming triathlon, and he hoped the woman would be back again at 6 a.m. tomorrow to take him to task for having no viable Obamacare alternative.

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DAY 25: Officials Struggling To Condense Trump’s Intelligence Briefing Down To One Word

WASHINGTON—Telling reporters they were working hard to provide important national security updates to the new commander-in-chief in a manner he found most useful and actionable, intelligence officials confirmed Monday they have been struggling to condense President Donald Trump’s briefings down to a single word. “The president prefers his briefs to be concise and straightforward, preferably no longer than two or three syllables, so we’re now focusing on compressing each day’s classified intel and any intercepted geopolitical chatter down to the sole most salient word,” said Deputy National Security Advisor K.T. McFarland, adding that a team of staffers had been tasked with stripping each briefing of the overly technical or complex details that President Trump disliked, such as arcane insider terminology, multiple bullet points, and any compound or hyphenated words. “The president tends to grow frustrated if crucial intelligence is not delivered within the first seven letters or so. We recently gave him a briefing that consisted only of the term ‘nuclear proliferation,’ but he clearly became distracted by the end of the first word, so we shortened it to simply read ‘bomb,’ and he seemed to respond well to that.” At press time, McFarland confirmed President Trump had asked officials to continue formatting his daily intelligence memos in the model of his most recent briefing, which consisted entirely of a brightly colored clip-art fighter jet.

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DAY 24: How DeVos Plans To Change The Department Of Education

Betsy DeVos was confirmed by a 51-50 Senate vote Tuesday to run the Department of Education. Here’s how President Trump’s controversial cabinet pick plans to change the nation’s education policy:

  • Relax unrealistically strict standards for secretary of education
  • Modify Title IX to allow invisible hand of the market to sort out any student rape cases that may arise
  • Identify at-risk students and do nothing whatsoever
  • Ensure that all students, regardless of background, receive the opportunity to bask in the shining light of Christ
  • Let low-income parents choose which one of their children gets to go to school
  • Create emergency vocational program for cabinet members who lack proficiency and are way out of their depth
  • Place power for establishing gym class floor hockey rules back in states’ hands where it belongs
  • Require free- and reduced-lunch recipients to prostrate themselves before the principal at mealtimes
  • Steer tax dollars away from failing, fundamentally defective public school students
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DAY 23: 5 Things To Know About Planned Parenthood

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DAY 22: Steve Bannon Mixes Discarded Climate Change Report With Saliva To Build Final Wall Of Nest

WASHINGTON—Revealing that the president’s chief strategist had been observed scuttling around the residence to gather materials, White House aide Alison Fordham confirmed Friday that Steve Bannon was mixing a discarded climate change report with his saliva to construct the final wall of his nest. “Over the last couple weeks, Bannon has been shredding environmental research papers with his teeth and combining the scraps with his own sputum to create a gray, viscous pulp that’s slathered on his mound in the corner of the Roosevelt Room,” said Fordham, who witnessed the assistant to the president grinding up a 200-page document on CO2 emissions in his mandibles, producing a tortured moan, and then violently retching for several minutes before spewing the partly digested, putrid substance on the floor. “It appears that the walls of Bannon’s nest were made from the hardened paste of several FBI dossiers on domestic terrorist groups and notes from several intelligence briefings, as well as a few pigeon skeletons.” At press time, White House officials confirmed that Bannon had completed his nest and was now showing signs that the eggs in his brood sac were ready for host injection.

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