WASHINGTON—Fearing the information had already fallen into the wrong hands, the FBI was panicking Tuesday after learning encrypted national security communications may have been intercepted by the Trump administration. “We are incredibly troubled to have learned that transmissions vital to homeland security could have been captured and decrypted by President Trump’s staff,” said FBI director James Comey, who said agency servers were rapidly being destroyed as a precaution while an urgent investigation was conducted. “If it turns out that Trump officials have indeed acquired these correspondences, it could mean the entire United States security architecture is compromised. We want to assure the American people, however, that we are doing absolutely everything in our power to determine what, if anything, has been obtained by these volatile and dangerous individuals.” At press time, the FBI’s worst fears had not yet been realized, as the Trump administration did not appear to be acting on any information from national security agencies whatsoever.
WASHINGTON—Defending his proposed elimination of the federally funded agency, President Donald Trump told reporters Thursday that the wasteful National Endowment for the Arts hasn’t even produced a single valuable work since Claes Oldenburg’s Giant Three-Way Plug. “We have not seen one single NEA-backed project come close to justifying its cost since the Swedish-American sculptor debuted his Pop Art masterpiece in 1970, challenging the way we grapple with questions of industrialization and decay,” said Trump, adding that taxpayer dollars shouldn’t support an organization whose body of work includes such underwhelming artistic efforts as the Joffrey Ballet’s The Rite Of Spring and the entirety of the Hudson Valley Shakespeare Festival. “Sure, William Bolcom’s Songs Of Innocence And Of Experience moved me at times, but for every Pulitzer Prize–winning composer the NEA supports, it also funds 20 more derivative jazz quartets. Enough is enough.” Trump went on to say that PBS’s Evening At Pops, which ended in 2005, was the network’s last example of worthwhile programming.
SEATTLE—In an effort to ensure he would have enough time on his busy calendar to make future rulings, U.S. district judge James Robart penciled blocking President Trump’s unconstitutional executive orders into his monthly schedule, sources confirmed Thursday. “I honestly don’t have a choice but to set aside a few days every month for reviewing and striking down whatever unconstitutional executive order President Trump has most recently issued,” said Robart, adding that having his carefully planned agenda repeatedly interrupted by responding to new illegitimate directives from the president would cause him to fall behind on his other work. “Analyzing an executive action, researching how it violates the Constitution and other established legal precedents, and issuing a ruling that stops the order from going into effect takes up a lot of time, so I’m making the process easier on myself. After all, I might be doing this for years.” Robart went on to say that he was also planning to save valuable research time by directing his clerks to gather all previous U.S. legislation dealing with unlawful detentions, racial profiling, and internment camps.
ARLINGTON, VA—Throwing President Trump’s 2018 budget proposal across the room in a fit of anger, James Scheri, ringleader of the Meals on Wheels America program, reportedly shook his fist in the air and shouted “Curses!” Thursday upon learning that his gravy train could soon be cut off. “Blast—my scheme has been found out!” said Scheri, his face growing red with rage after learning of the Trump administration’s plans to eliminate federal grants that fund his elaborate moneymaking swindle of delivering food to the homes of elderly and disabled Americans. “The jig is up! Now that those damned feds have gotten wind, what will become of the grand empire I have built? And what of all my many mansions and luxury automobiles? My life of Community Development Block Grant luxury might be at an end!” At press time, Scheri was excitedly rubbing his hands together after realizing the government had yet to pick up on his secret racket to make billions through federal housing programs for homeless veterans.
WASHINGTON—Explaining that she always makes sure to leave enough time in her busy schedule to give them the proper attention, Counselor to the President Kellyanne Conway told reporters Thursday, in what is her most disturbing public statement to date, that she has four young children. “I have four little ones, 12-year-old twins and an 8- and 7-year-old,” said Conway, sending shockwaves through the nation with the deeply unsettling comment, which inspired more horror than any remarks she has made sugarcoating the grave impact the president’s policies will have on millions of Americans, delegitimizing the press, or fabricating entire terrorist attacks in order to vilify immigrant populations. “With all that’s going on around them, it’s important that I instill them with my values when they’re young. No matter what, I want to make sure I’m a big part of their lives.” The nation was reportedly further aghast when Conway mentioned she had raised her two older children to guide the younger ones when she wasn’t around.
WASHINGTON—As a growing number of interest groups, politicians, and media outlets continue to voice criticism of the proposed American Health Care Act, a report published Tuesday by the Pew Research Center found it was totally unclear if opposition to the bill from every last sector of American society would have any effect on whether or not it passes. “Although the AHCA has been condemned from persons all along the political spectrum, not to mention literally everyone else with an informed opinion, it’s still uncertain if any of that will have any bearing on whether the bill is signed into law,” read the report in part, adding that there was no way to tell whether widespread resistance to the bill from healthcare providers, Democrats, and both moderate and conservative Republicans would diminish in the slightest its ability to secure a majority of votes in Congress. “So far, the bill has drawn criticism from the AARP, the American Medical Association, the American Cancer Society, Planned Parenthood, Breitbart News, the AFL-CIO, the House Freedom Caucus, the National Council of La Raza, the American Academy of Pediatrics, the Club for Growth, the National Disability Rights Network, MoveOn.org, The New York Times, Tea Party Patriots, the CATO Institute, the Heritage Foundation, and thousands of hospitals—even if you combine all that with the White House’s own decision to cautiously distance itself from the legislation, passage of the AHCA is still somehow very much an open question.” The report went on to conclude that opposition from average voters was certain to have no impact on the bill whatsoever.
WASHINGTON—Seeking to open his mind to new possibilities for overhauling the U.S. healthcare system, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) reportedly witnessed an infinite number of replacement plans Wednesday after dropping acid to inspire ideas for an Obamacare alternative.
Shortly after the 75-year-old Republican senator ingested two 100-microgram tabs of LSD in his Congressional office, sources said countless substitutes for the Affordable Care Act began to explode before his eyes in luminescent, hyper-vivid colors and patterns.
“Oh my God—I can see the CHIP provisions spreading out in every direction forever and ever and ever,” said a reeling McConnell, gazing wide-eyed as infinite, interlocking fractal combinations of health savings plans, employer-provided coverage, and government subsidies enveloped him in an accelerating stream, eventually passing over him with such velocity that they appeared to be an entire galaxy of stars swirling around him. “Now I can see…I can see the outpatient hospital visits covered for every child in the country! No, every child who’s ever been born, and will ever be born! Even the ones who haven’t yet been conceived!”
“The scope of coverage is so beautiful,” added the senator quietly. “Whoa.”
According to sources, McConnell’s hallucinations came on slowly, first appearing as a geodesic block grant spiraling gently in the center of the senator’s desk before morphing into a gigantic, prismatic spiderweb of plans whose out-of-pocket prescription expenses expanded and contracted with McConnell’s every breath.
McConnell then reportedly turned his attention to the pulsating, roiling carpet in his offices, from which an entire ancient forest sprang as though from the beginning of time, its vines and verdant, leafy canopy composed of untaxed dollars that reached to the ceiling, beneath which the senator said the “whole country would be protected,” eliminating penalties and subsidizing care for 150 million eligible Americans.
“Every co-pay is connected to every patient is connected to every beating human heart,” said McConnell as he began to peel off his suit and tie until he was completely nude. “The individual mandate is total bullshit, because the plan is life itself, and you can’t opt in or out of life. And the continuous coverage incentive—well, it’s fucking this! All of this! The river and the sky and the grass and the trees. And it’s you! You and me. We’re all part of the plan.”
“Fuck, I’m tripping balls,” added McConnell, waving his hands in front of his face and attempting to grasp at the low-cost, high-value brackets that had presented themselves as glowing orbs.
McConnell reportedly grew terrified, however, after claiming to see the skies darken and a huge wall of 400-foot-high premiums rising in the distance while thousands of jagged, ugly shapes representing an overburdened Medicaid system rained down around him, threatening to crush the middle class and, eventually, the whole human race.
The senator then fled his office on foot and sprinted into the Capitol rotunda, where sources said he stopped dead in his tracks to stare open-mouthed at the domed ceiling for the next 90 minutes, mumbling in horror about an upper limit on the tax preference for employer plans before the naked and sweating congressman ran out onto the National Mall.
Sources later told reporters that at one point, the senior senator from Kentucky caught sight of his own face in the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool and began to panic, insisting that he saw himself waiting in an out-of-network doctor’s office for 10,000 years due to his own proposed legislation before decaying completely, his flesh falling from his bones in rotting chunks.
“He was really freaking out, so I brought him a glass of orange juice and that seemed to calm him down a bit,” said aide James Scholtz, adding that McConnell became fixated on Scholtz’s striped tie and rubbed it gently on his face while repeatedly stating that he no longer feared the massive impact to the federal budget that sweeping healthcare reform would bring—that he in fact welcomed it. “I couldn’t really follow everything he was saying, but he was pretty adamant that his body was an HMO, Earth was the network, the universe was the insurance company, and God was the free-market exchange. Eventually he started crying, so I just patted his hand until [Secretary of Transportation] Mrs. Chao came to talk to him.”
After the drug’s effects had worn off, Senator McConnell reportedly surveyed his notes, called them “nonsense,” and then picked himself up from the K Street alley where he had found himself, ready to move ahead with his plan to repeal Obamacare without a replacement.
WASHINGTON—Saying that you will have no choice but to discover them one by one as news unfolds, a report released Tuesday concluded that you will learn the names of three separate reprehensible public officials this week. “Before the week is up, the identity of three public officials whom you previously didn’t know existed will be revealed to you based solely on their utterly disgraceful conduct,” read the report in part, adding that even a casual scan of the week’s headlines will be sufficient to introduce the names of these three loathsome individuals into your vocabulary. “While the names you’ll learn this week might belong to individuals who serve the government in different capacities, all will be equally despicable. You might become acquainted with them from their separate betrayals of public trust or from their contributions to a single larger outrage—either way, there is no avoiding these terrible people.” The report also warned that although you will learn the names of three additional reprehensible public officials next week, that will in no way help you forget those you learned this week.
WASHINGTON—Excitedly drafting an email after discovering she had been included in the article, White House deputy chief of staff Katie Walsh reportedly sent her parents a New York Times article Monday that quoted her as an anonymous source. “Check it out, I made it onto the Times homepage!” read Walsh’s email to her mother and father, including the link to an article in which she is cited only as a “White House aide” while describing the dysfunction within the West Wing. “They only used a little bit of what I said, but I’m the one talking about how increasingly isolated Trump was and how he was alienating members of his inner circle. It’s the second anonymous quote, not the first—I actually have no idea who gave that one.” Walsh’s email reportedly also reminded her parents to record 60 Minutes this weekend in the event Steve Kroft uses the classified memos she leaked to him.
WASHINGTON—In an effort to address concerns about the affordability of coverage, Republican congressional officials advised Americans Monday to set aside the income from one of their jobs to pay for healthcare costs under the newly introduced American Health Care Act. “Under this bill, you would simply set up a separate savings account for the total earnings from one of your jobs, which will ensure that you can comfortably cover your healthcare expenses each month,” said House Speaker Paul Ryan, adding that the GOP’s proposed Affordable Care Act replacement would keep healthcare costs for the average American from exceeding the entire salary of one full-time job. “If you budget things correctly, you’ll have plenty of money left over from your other job or jobs to spend on food, rent, and any other personal expenses. In some cases, healthcare will even be low-priced enough to afford using only the income from a part-time side job on the weekends. The important thing here is that this legislation will allow Americans—not the federal government—to decide for themselves what kind of healthcare they want and how many jobs they choose to have in order to pay for it.” Ryan also recommended that in order to be prepared for the added costs of a sudden medical emergency, Americans should create a dedicated savings fund using the money from at least two of the mortgages on their homes.