adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Cats Are Better Than Dogs

Cats Are Better Than Dogs

I've always been a fan of felines. As far as pets go, you can't beat them! I have three myself, and I couldn't adore them more. I don't care what you say, cats are clearly better than dogs. I can't even list all the reasons here, so I'll just stick with my favorites.

First of all, cats are about a thousand times easier to care for. You don't have to walk them or bathe them because they're smart enough to figure out all that stuff on their own (unlike some other domestic mammals I don't care to mention). Plus, they have the common courtesy to do their business in the litter box, instead of all over your house and yard. Just one of the many reasons cats rule and dogs—quite literally—drool.

Second, cats have all sorts of personality! Take my cat Smarty for instance. He's a total ham, always jumping from lap to lap when company comes, with a look on his face like, "Hey, everybody! Pay attention." And when they don't, boy does he get pouty! Then there's Boopie, who's more chilled out and kind of does his own thing. I won't even get into Meatball, because he'd kill me if I ever wrote about him!

In comparison, every dog I've ever met is exactly the same: dumb, hyper, and obsessed with chasing tennis balls. It's like they're not even trying. Now I know all those dog people are going to argue with me on this and try to tell me all dogs are unique, but frankly, I just haven't seen it. Maybe someday I'll meet a dog with one-tenth the personality your average cat has in his left hind paw, but I highly doubt it.

Ever seen a cat eat its own poop?

Not to mention, cats are so much more independent than dogs. They can disappear for hours, having their own little adventures, and then pop up again just when you least expect it. It's like running into a long-lost friend on the street, but in your house! Meanwhile, those big, dumb slobbery dogs just plod around after you whether you want them to or not. They can't do anything for themselves. Unless it's eating your shoes!

Nope. You'll never convince me that dogs are superior to cats in any way. So just stop trying.

I could go on all day about how great cats are. They don't make noise, their breath doesn't stink, and they're adorable as kittens—but I don't think that's necessary. Anyone with sense can see that they're simply the better pet, hands down. So, in conclusion, I would like to say that, no matter how good dogs are at catching Frisbees and swimming, they simply can't compete with the world's best furry companion. The one, the only, the cat.

Fine

Sure, whatever.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close