Cats Are Better Than Dogs

Top Headlines

Recent News

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Cats Are Better Than Dogs

Cats Are Better Than Dogs

I've always been a fan of felines. As far as pets go, you can't beat them! I have three myself, and I couldn't adore them more. I don't care what you say, cats are clearly better than dogs. I can't even list all the reasons here, so I'll just stick with my favorites.

First of all, cats are about a thousand times easier to care for. You don't have to walk them or bathe them because they're smart enough to figure out all that stuff on their own (unlike some other domestic mammals I don't care to mention). Plus, they have the common courtesy to do their business in the litter box, instead of all over your house and yard. Just one of the many reasons cats rule and dogs—quite literally—drool.

Second, cats have all sorts of personality! Take my cat Smarty for instance. He's a total ham, always jumping from lap to lap when company comes, with a look on his face like, "Hey, everybody! Pay attention." And when they don't, boy does he get pouty! Then there's Boopie, who's more chilled out and kind of does his own thing. I won't even get into Meatball, because he'd kill me if I ever wrote about him!

In comparison, every dog I've ever met is exactly the same: dumb, hyper, and obsessed with chasing tennis balls. It's like they're not even trying. Now I know all those dog people are going to argue with me on this and try to tell me all dogs are unique, but frankly, I just haven't seen it. Maybe someday I'll meet a dog with one-tenth the personality your average cat has in his left hind paw, but I highly doubt it.

Ever seen a cat eat its own poop?

Not to mention, cats are so much more independent than dogs. They can disappear for hours, having their own little adventures, and then pop up again just when you least expect it. It's like running into a long-lost friend on the street, but in your house! Meanwhile, those big, dumb slobbery dogs just plod around after you whether you want them to or not. They can't do anything for themselves. Unless it's eating your shoes!

Nope. You'll never convince me that dogs are superior to cats in any way. So just stop trying.

I could go on all day about how great cats are. They don't make noise, their breath doesn't stink, and they're adorable as kittens—but I don't think that's necessary. Anyone with sense can see that they're simply the better pet, hands down. So, in conclusion, I would like to say that, no matter how good dogs are at catching Frisbees and swimming, they simply can't compete with the world's best furry companion. The one, the only, the cat.

Fine

Sure, whatever.