adBlockCheck

Recent News

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
End Of Section
  • More News

Duh…I'm Stupid! vs. No! That's Not Me!

Duh…I'm Stupid!

Hey, everybody! I'm Rick Mahoney and I am so stupid. I'm the dumbest person on the planet. Durr, durrr, my brain is so tiny and small, I can't even tie my own shoes. Oops, I just pooped my pants. I don't even know what a toilet is. Just about the only thing I do know is that my name is Rick Mahoney, and my Internet password is "kiteflyer14."

Look at my stupid, lumpy face and my badger-butt ugly hair. Doesn't it just make you want to punch me? You could. I'm such an idiot, I can't even figure out how to not get punched. I just sit around all day typing quietly on my keyboard 'cause I'm El Ugly Nerdo Supremo Numero Uno.

Time to sing my stupid song! Doy, da-doy doy, doy, da-doy doy—oh, no, I forgot the rest of the words because I'm a big dick-munch whose breath reeks like rotten mashed potatoes and sewage, but worse.

I like Hitler!

Here are some more facts about me, Rick Mahoney: I eat cow turds, I'm going to die a virgin, nobody likes me, and I have a detailed plan to assassinate the president of the United States that I keep in my house at 183 E. Kengrove Ave., Richmond, VA. Oh, and I'm probably the biggest, stupidest moron in all of North America. Maybe even the world. They'd make me King Moron, except I'd probably try and stick the crown up my butt!

aSJGUA$*9wrg9j afdasf ag =a=a===== Whoops! Forgot how to type for a second there and just started banging my empty, fat head against the keyboard. I forget things like that all the time—how to type, how to use soap to wash my smelly armpits, people's birthdays. Probably because I'm soooooo stupid!

Well, I'm all done writing another one of my retarded editorial columns. Better get on with the rest of my stupid day of being dumb! I suck so bad.

No! That's Not Me!

I fear there has been a terrible mistake. The person who has written my column this week is not me! Heaven knows how he commandeered my photograph and e-mail account, but I assure you, I played no part in the above editorial. I repeat: I am the real Rick Mahoney, and I did not just soil my pants. You must believe me!

Please, someone, telephone the publisher. There is a libelist afoot, dragging my reputable name through the mud with his unfounded accusations about my intellect and culinary preferences. It's not me, I say! This imposter has made slanderous comments of the basest sort, and I will not tolerate sharing the page with him.

To clarify, I know exactly what a toilet is, my personal hygiene is beyond reproach, I do not wish harm upon the president, and I think very ill of Hitler.

Hitler was a terrible, terrible man, and everyone, including me, knows that.

Frankly, I'm surprised this deceiver managed to keep his charade going for as long as he did. He doesn't even sound like me. To my knowledge, I have never composed a song about my own stupidity, but if I had, I would be certain I knew all the words to it before debuting it in this particular forum. And although I would never begrudge another journalist his freedom of opinion, describing my coiffure as "badger-butt ugly" is an obtuse characterization that has no place in a respectable newspaper such as this one.

This is Rick Mahoney. The real Rick Mahoney. Not him.

I implore you not to be taken in by this simpleton's farce! Though he accurately makes reference to my home address, no other word above holds water. I have never been told I smelt of rotted mashed potatoes, I've had more than my share of lady admirers, and I would make an excellent King Moron. Unless of course the bearer of that title is himself required to be a moron. Because I am not, in fact, a moron.

I wish to thank the editors of this newspaper for allowing me this counterpoint to set the record straight.

My armpits smell fine.

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close