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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Happy Father's Day, Dad vs. Thank You, Disappointment

Happy Father's Day, Dad

Hey, Dad. Happy Father’s Day.

Sorry I haven’t called in a while. Things have been pretty busy with work, but I really wanted to give you a call and catch up. Anyway, how are things going for you, Dad? How’s work? Did you catch the game yesterday? I think you would have liked it. It was a good one. Definitely got close in the end there.

So, are you with Mom right now? Well, be sure to tell her I said hi and that I miss her.

I’m definitely thinking about coming home for a visit, maybe in early July or August. Either way, I should definitely do that soon. It’s been way too long. When was the last time we saw each other? Christmas?

Did Tim and Maggie wish you a Happy Father’s Day already, too? I should really give them a call sometime.

Anyway, I’ll let you go, Dad. It really has been great catching up with you. I’ll call you again next weekend or something to see how things are going. Happy Father’s Day again, Dad. I love you.

Bye.

Thank You, Disappointment

Is that you, Disappointment? Thanks for calling! It’s funny, I was just thinking of how nice it would be to talk to Major Disappointment on Father’s Day, and look at who’s on the line: Mr. Letdown himself.

Last night during dinner, your mom and I were talking about you, Disappointment. I said, “Gina, when was the last time we heard from Failure? Three weeks? A month?” Has it really been that long since we talked, Big Embarrassment When My Friends Ask About You?

It has? Wow.

Hold on just a second; let me tell your mother that you’re on the line. Hey, honey, Squandered Potential is on the phone! Yeah, it’s Underachiever. He sounds like he’s not doing well and still has no prospects even though we gave him everything—love, support, everything!

So, how are things going for you, Disappointment? Still not amounting to much? Things still going mediocre for you at the bullshit job you half-ass day in and day out? Get passed up for any promotions by people younger and less experienced than you lately, Disappointment? Ah, that’s my Complete And Utter Lack Of Success.

You know, I actually just got off the phone with Younger Disappointment a little while ago. He also seems to be doing poorly. You two! So alike. Always never quite measuring up.

Everything okay at that sad, cheap shithole of a living space you call an apartment? Be sure to give my best wishes to Woman You’re Settling For. I’m sure she’s just barely skating by at that job of hers that there’s no way in hell I’d ever remember. Maybe someday you two will give me some grand-disappointments I can be humiliated by. Honestly, Disappointment, it really has been too long since we’ve seen you two deadbeats. Maybe your mom and I will come to the disgusting part of the city you live in and visit soon.

Well, anyway, it was nice to hear from you, Disappointment. I really ought to get going, though. The One I’m Proud Of came to visit and we are all going to get Father’s Day lunch together. I hope you know how much your mother and I are both dissatisfied by you.

Talk soon! Or don’t. I don’t care. You’ll never be good enough.

Bye.

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