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What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Contents Of The Voyager Golden Record

Forty years ago this week, NASA launched Voyager 2, which carries a gold-plated record featuring pictures and sounds from Earth as well as scientific information, all of which was carefully compiled in anticipation of a possible extraterrestrial encounter. Here are the contents of the record:

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.
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Happy Father's Day, Dad vs. Thank You, Disappointment

Happy Father's Day, Dad

Hey, Dad. Happy Father’s Day.

Sorry I haven’t called in a while. Things have been pretty busy with work, but I really wanted to give you a call and catch up. Anyway, how are things going for you, Dad? How’s work? Did you catch the game yesterday? I think you would have liked it. It was a good one. Definitely got close in the end there.

So, are you with Mom right now? Well, be sure to tell her I said hi and that I miss her.

I’m definitely thinking about coming home for a visit, maybe in early July or August. Either way, I should definitely do that soon. It’s been way too long. When was the last time we saw each other? Christmas?

Did Tim and Maggie wish you a Happy Father’s Day already, too? I should really give them a call sometime.

Anyway, I’ll let you go, Dad. It really has been great catching up with you. I’ll call you again next weekend or something to see how things are going. Happy Father’s Day again, Dad. I love you.

Bye.

Thank You, Disappointment

Is that you, Disappointment? Thanks for calling! It’s funny, I was just thinking of how nice it would be to talk to Major Disappointment on Father’s Day, and look at who’s on the line: Mr. Letdown himself.

Last night during dinner, your mom and I were talking about you, Disappointment. I said, “Gina, when was the last time we heard from Failure? Three weeks? A month?” Has it really been that long since we talked, Big Embarrassment When My Friends Ask About You?

It has? Wow.

Hold on just a second; let me tell your mother that you’re on the line. Hey, honey, Squandered Potential is on the phone! Yeah, it’s Underachiever. He sounds like he’s not doing well and still has no prospects even though we gave him everything—love, support, everything!

So, how are things going for you, Disappointment? Still not amounting to much? Things still going mediocre for you at the bullshit job you half-ass day in and day out? Get passed up for any promotions by people younger and less experienced than you lately, Disappointment? Ah, that’s my Complete And Utter Lack Of Success.

You know, I actually just got off the phone with Younger Disappointment a little while ago. He also seems to be doing poorly. You two! So alike. Always never quite measuring up.

Everything okay at that sad, cheap shithole of a living space you call an apartment? Be sure to give my best wishes to Woman You’re Settling For. I’m sure she’s just barely skating by at that job of hers that there’s no way in hell I’d ever remember. Maybe someday you two will give me some grand-disappointments I can be humiliated by. Honestly, Disappointment, it really has been too long since we’ve seen you two deadbeats. Maybe your mom and I will come to the disgusting part of the city you live in and visit soon.

Well, anyway, it was nice to hear from you, Disappointment. I really ought to get going, though. The One I’m Proud Of came to visit and we are all going to get Father’s Day lunch together. I hope you know how much your mother and I are both dissatisfied by you.

Talk soon! Or don’t. I don’t care. You’ll never be good enough.

Bye.

More from this section

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

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