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Help! Sandal Season Is Here, And My Feet Are A Mess vs. Help! I'm Trapped In A Burning Bus

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Help! Sandal Season Is Here, And My Feet Are A Mess vs. Help! I'm Trapped In A Burning Bus

Help! Sandal Season Is Here, And My Feet Are A Mess

Help! Sandal season is here, and my feet are a complete mess! I've got rough heels, ugly calluses, and ragged cuticles. Winter weather really did some serious damage to my feet. Oh, God, please, will somebody please tell me how to get these tootsies back in step for the beach? Somebody call 911! They're a complete disaster!

I love getting my toes pampered with a professional pedicure, complete with aromatherapy massage and a coat of fire-red polish, but I don't have time to wait for an appointment at my favorite spa. What can I do right now? Summer's heating up, and I've got a major fashion emergency on my hands!

I am in serious need of rehydration. But with so many great new moisturizing products on the shelves, how can I tell which one will get rid of this dry, flaky skin? I've got the basic equipment at home: pumice stone, contoured file, toenail clippers, and pedicure sponge, but what should I do? Should I soak, then exfoliate? Or the other way around? Should I use foot-bath salts, overnight cream, or soothing foot gel? Help! I'm going crazy!

In the past, Aveda has come to the rescue. I've had good luck with the Pedicure Essentials Repair Cream. But there are so many other great products out there. Should I hit Bath And Body Works and pick up some amazing wildflower-scented oils? Should I splurge on Revlon's pedicure system? Or should I go for the Body Shop's Foot Relief, with tea-tree oil that continues to exfoliate while feet are in socks or shoes? To be honest, I don't think any of those are a match for the train wreck that is my feet. Help!

I know that soothing my feet helps relieve tension and puts me in the right state of mind for summer fun. But these feet look so hopeless, I don't even know where to begin. Oh, if only I could hide them under my boots for just a few weeks longer!
I'm running out of time. The fashion calendar says I've got to lose the heavy shoes and slip into a pair of cute flip-flops or sexy sling-backs. But they're not going to be so cute or sexy on my hideous feet. Help! Save me!

Help! I'm Trapped In A Burning Bus

Help! We're trapped in here! Can anyone hear us? Please, God, help! Somebody call 911! Help!

A tire blew, and we careened off the highway. I remember rolling... there was an explosion. The bus was tossed over the side, and we slipped down into the ravine.

It's getting hot. I can't move my legs. My feet—they're stuck. I can't feel my feet! I see fire up front. Help! I'm trapped in a burning bus!

Water! We need water! It's an emergency!

Can anyone hear me? Please, somebody find me! There are 10 of us down here. Help! There's broken glass everywhere. Then the bus rolled... oh, God. Is it sliding again? Help!
Hurry! I need help now!

It's dark, and there's smoke. I don't know what to do. Which way is up? Should I try to drag myself out of a window? I can't just lie here. Is there some way to put out the fire? Can anyone hear me? Are you alive over there?

I need a doctor. Doctor? Doctor! Somebody tell me what to do. Does anyone on this bus know what to do? Is anyone trained for this? If only I had some sort of tool. Is there an ax or a hammer or something around here?

Emergency! Emergency! Send an ambulance!

Does anybody have a phone? Oh, God. I don't even know where we are. We rolled into a meadow. I smell it burning. It smells like oil and pine needles. Help!

It's the end. I know it. It's hopeless. I guess all I can do is await my fate. I should try to face it calmly.

Oh, God. I'm running out of time. I'm not ready to die! There's so much I haven't done yet: have children, write a novel, travel the world. This can't be the end. Help! Save me!

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