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Help! Sandal Season Is Here, And My Feet Are A Mess vs. Help! I'm Trapped In A Burning Bus

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Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.
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Help! Sandal Season Is Here, And My Feet Are A Mess vs. Help! I'm Trapped In A Burning Bus

Help! Sandal Season Is Here, And My Feet Are A Mess

Help! Sandal season is here, and my feet are a complete mess! I've got rough heels, ugly calluses, and ragged cuticles. Winter weather really did some serious damage to my feet. Oh, God, please, will somebody please tell me how to get these tootsies back in step for the beach? Somebody call 911! They're a complete disaster!

I love getting my toes pampered with a professional pedicure, complete with aromatherapy massage and a coat of fire-red polish, but I don't have time to wait for an appointment at my favorite spa. What can I do right now? Summer's heating up, and I've got a major fashion emergency on my hands!

I am in serious need of rehydration. But with so many great new moisturizing products on the shelves, how can I tell which one will get rid of this dry, flaky skin? I've got the basic equipment at home: pumice stone, contoured file, toenail clippers, and pedicure sponge, but what should I do? Should I soak, then exfoliate? Or the other way around? Should I use foot-bath salts, overnight cream, or soothing foot gel? Help! I'm going crazy!

In the past, Aveda has come to the rescue. I've had good luck with the Pedicure Essentials Repair Cream. But there are so many other great products out there. Should I hit Bath And Body Works and pick up some amazing wildflower-scented oils? Should I splurge on Revlon's pedicure system? Or should I go for the Body Shop's Foot Relief, with tea-tree oil that continues to exfoliate while feet are in socks or shoes? To be honest, I don't think any of those are a match for the train wreck that is my feet. Help!

I know that soothing my feet helps relieve tension and puts me in the right state of mind for summer fun. But these feet look so hopeless, I don't even know where to begin. Oh, if only I could hide them under my boots for just a few weeks longer!
I'm running out of time. The fashion calendar says I've got to lose the heavy shoes and slip into a pair of cute flip-flops or sexy sling-backs. But they're not going to be so cute or sexy on my hideous feet. Help! Save me!

Help! I'm Trapped In A Burning Bus

Help! We're trapped in here! Can anyone hear us? Please, God, help! Somebody call 911! Help!

A tire blew, and we careened off the highway. I remember rolling... there was an explosion. The bus was tossed over the side, and we slipped down into the ravine.

It's getting hot. I can't move my legs. My feet—they're stuck. I can't feel my feet! I see fire up front. Help! I'm trapped in a burning bus!

Water! We need water! It's an emergency!

Can anyone hear me? Please, somebody find me! There are 10 of us down here. Help! There's broken glass everywhere. Then the bus rolled... oh, God. Is it sliding again? Help!
Hurry! I need help now!

It's dark, and there's smoke. I don't know what to do. Which way is up? Should I try to drag myself out of a window? I can't just lie here. Is there some way to put out the fire? Can anyone hear me? Are you alive over there?

I need a doctor. Doctor? Doctor! Somebody tell me what to do. Does anyone on this bus know what to do? Is anyone trained for this? If only I had some sort of tool. Is there an ax or a hammer or something around here?

Emergency! Emergency! Send an ambulance!

Does anybody have a phone? Oh, God. I don't even know where we are. We rolled into a meadow. I smell it burning. It smells like oil and pine needles. Help!

It's the end. I know it. It's hopeless. I guess all I can do is await my fate. I should try to face it calmly.

Oh, God. I'm running out of time. I'm not ready to die! There's so much I haven't done yet: have children, write a novel, travel the world. This can't be the end. Help! Save me!

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