Help! Sandal Season Is Here, And My Feet Are A Mess vs. Help! I'm Trapped In A Burning Bus

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Vol 38 Issue 20

Worst Person Woman Knows Pregnant

JASPER, AL—Karen Brundage was chilled to learn Monday that Cora Damrush, the "single most selfish, ignorant, emotionally crippled person" she knows, is expecting a baby in November. "My heart skipped a beat—in a bad way—when Cora said she and Neil were having a child," Brundage said. "I can't even begin to tell you what a foul, miserable harpy that woman is." Brundage added that she wishes there were some sort of baby-shower gift that would save the unborn child from a lifetime of misery cowering before a dark and evil mother.

CNN Graphic Designer Asked To Combine Dollar Sign, Syringe, Fighter Jets, Panda

ATLANTA—Christine Kannberg, a CNN Headline News graphic designer, expressed befuddlement Monday when asked to create a story logo incorporating a dollar sign, a syringe, fighter jets, and a panda. "I can't even begin to imagine what this one's for," Kannberg said from her workstation. "Maybe, like, the Beijing Zoo was smuggling drugs into the U.S. inside pandas, and we bombed them or something." Last week, Kannberg was asked to create a graphic combining a football helmet, three DNA helixes, a rhubarb pie, and the state of Oregon.

Overweight Man Receives 'Lose Weight Fast' Spam E-Mail Featuring His Picture

HOUSTON—Jim Funderburke, a 240-pound accountant, was surprised to find a photo of himself in a spam e-mail for a weight-loss product Monday. "That's the last time I post vacation pictures on my web site," said Funderburke, 38, gazing at an unflattering image of himself in a bathing suit. "I'd like to be able to check my messages without seeing myself used as the online embodiment of obesity and overindulgence." Funderburke also expressed a wish to water his lawn without neighborhood teenagers calling him "Before Dude."

Suicide Bombings In The U.S.?

According to intelligence officials, al-Qaeda or another terrorist group may one day attempt to carry out a suicide bombing on U.S. soil. What do you think?

Cannes 2002

After 12 days of screening and parties, the 2002 Cannes Film Festival wrapped up Sunday.
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Help! Sandal Season Is Here, And My Feet Are A Mess vs. Help! I'm Trapped In A Burning Bus

Help! Sandal Season Is Here, And My Feet Are A Mess

Help! Sandal season is here, and my feet are a complete mess! I've got rough heels, ugly calluses, and ragged cuticles. Winter weather really did some serious damage to my feet. Oh, God, please, will somebody please tell me how to get these tootsies back in step for the beach? Somebody call 911! They're a complete disaster!

I love getting my toes pampered with a professional pedicure, complete with aromatherapy massage and a coat of fire-red polish, but I don't have time to wait for an appointment at my favorite spa. What can I do right now? Summer's heating up, and I've got a major fashion emergency on my hands!

I am in serious need of rehydration. But with so many great new moisturizing products on the shelves, how can I tell which one will get rid of this dry, flaky skin? I've got the basic equipment at home: pumice stone, contoured file, toenail clippers, and pedicure sponge, but what should I do? Should I soak, then exfoliate? Or the other way around? Should I use foot-bath salts, overnight cream, or soothing foot gel? Help! I'm going crazy!

In the past, Aveda has come to the rescue. I've had good luck with the Pedicure Essentials Repair Cream. But there are so many other great products out there. Should I hit Bath And Body Works and pick up some amazing wildflower-scented oils? Should I splurge on Revlon's pedicure system? Or should I go for the Body Shop's Foot Relief, with tea-tree oil that continues to exfoliate while feet are in socks or shoes? To be honest, I don't think any of those are a match for the train wreck that is my feet. Help!

I know that soothing my feet helps relieve tension and puts me in the right state of mind for summer fun. But these feet look so hopeless, I don't even know where to begin. Oh, if only I could hide them under my boots for just a few weeks longer!
I'm running out of time. The fashion calendar says I've got to lose the heavy shoes and slip into a pair of cute flip-flops or sexy sling-backs. But they're not going to be so cute or sexy on my hideous feet. Help! Save me!

Help! I'm Trapped In A Burning Bus

Help! We're trapped in here! Can anyone hear us? Please, God, help! Somebody call 911! Help!

A tire blew, and we careened off the highway. I remember rolling... there was an explosion. The bus was tossed over the side, and we slipped down into the ravine.

It's getting hot. I can't move my legs. My feet—they're stuck. I can't feel my feet! I see fire up front. Help! I'm trapped in a burning bus!

Water! We need water! It's an emergency!

Can anyone hear me? Please, somebody find me! There are 10 of us down here. Help! There's broken glass everywhere. Then the bus rolled... oh, God. Is it sliding again? Help!
Hurry! I need help now!

It's dark, and there's smoke. I don't know what to do. Which way is up? Should I try to drag myself out of a window? I can't just lie here. Is there some way to put out the fire? Can anyone hear me? Are you alive over there?

I need a doctor. Doctor? Doctor! Somebody tell me what to do. Does anyone on this bus know what to do? Is anyone trained for this? If only I had some sort of tool. Is there an ax or a hammer or something around here?

Emergency! Emergency! Send an ambulance!

Does anybody have a phone? Oh, God. I don't even know where we are. We rolled into a meadow. I smell it burning. It smells like oil and pine needles. Help!

It's the end. I know it. It's hopeless. I guess all I can do is await my fate. I should try to face it calmly.

Oh, God. I'm running out of time. I'm not ready to die! There's so much I haven't done yet: have children, write a novel, travel the world. This can't be the end. Help! Save me!

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