adBlockCheck

Help! Sandal Season Is Here, And My Feet Are A Mess vs. Help! I'm Trapped In A Burning Bus

Top Headlines

Recent News

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Help! Sandal Season Is Here, And My Feet Are A Mess vs. Help! I'm Trapped In A Burning Bus

Help! Sandal Season Is Here, And My Feet Are A Mess

Help! Sandal season is here, and my feet are a complete mess! I've got rough heels, ugly calluses, and ragged cuticles. Winter weather really did some serious damage to my feet. Oh, God, please, will somebody please tell me how to get these tootsies back in step for the beach? Somebody call 911! They're a complete disaster!

I love getting my toes pampered with a professional pedicure, complete with aromatherapy massage and a coat of fire-red polish, but I don't have time to wait for an appointment at my favorite spa. What can I do right now? Summer's heating up, and I've got a major fashion emergency on my hands!

I am in serious need of rehydration. But with so many great new moisturizing products on the shelves, how can I tell which one will get rid of this dry, flaky skin? I've got the basic equipment at home: pumice stone, contoured file, toenail clippers, and pedicure sponge, but what should I do? Should I soak, then exfoliate? Or the other way around? Should I use foot-bath salts, overnight cream, or soothing foot gel? Help! I'm going crazy!

In the past, Aveda has come to the rescue. I've had good luck with the Pedicure Essentials Repair Cream. But there are so many other great products out there. Should I hit Bath And Body Works and pick up some amazing wildflower-scented oils? Should I splurge on Revlon's pedicure system? Or should I go for the Body Shop's Foot Relief, with tea-tree oil that continues to exfoliate while feet are in socks or shoes? To be honest, I don't think any of those are a match for the train wreck that is my feet. Help!

I know that soothing my feet helps relieve tension and puts me in the right state of mind for summer fun. But these feet look so hopeless, I don't even know where to begin. Oh, if only I could hide them under my boots for just a few weeks longer!

I'm running out of time. The fashion calendar says I've got to lose the heavy shoes and slip into a pair of cute flip-flops or sexy sling-backs. But they're not going to be so cute or sexy on my hideous feet. Help! Save me!

Help! I'm Trapped In A Burning Bus

Help! We're trapped in here! Can anyone hear us? Please, God, help! Somebody call 911! Help!

A tire blew, and we careened off the highway. I remember rolling... there was an explosion. The bus was tossed over the side, and we slipped down into the ravine.

It's getting hot. I can't move my legs. My feet—they're stuck. I can't feel my feet! I see fire up front. Help! I'm trapped in a burning bus!

Water! We need water! It's an emergency!

Can anyone hear me? Please, somebody find me! There are 10 of us down here. Help! There's broken glass everywhere. Then the bus rolled... oh, God. Is it sliding again? Help!

Hurry! I need help now!

It's dark, and there's smoke. I don't know what to do. Which way is up? Should I try to drag myself out of a window? I can't just lie here. Is there some way to put out the fire? Can anyone hear me? Are you alive over there?

I need a doctor. Doctor? Doctor! Somebody tell me what to do. Does anyone on this bus know what to do? Is anyone trained for this? If only I had some sort of tool. Is there an ax or a hammer or something around here?

Emergency! Emergency! Send an ambulance!

Does anybody have a phone? Oh, God. I don't even know where we are. We rolled into a meadow. I smell it burning. It smells like oil and pine needles. Help!

It's the end. I know it. It's hopeless. I guess all I can do is await my fate. I should try to face it calmly.

Oh, God. I'm running out of time. I'm not ready to die! There's so much I haven't done yet: have children, write a novel, travel the world. This can't be the end. Help! Save me!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close