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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Hug Me! vs. No, Hug Me!

Hug Me!

Hug me! I am so cute and furry. I will crawl all over you and lick your face. You can hold me, and I will nuzzle my nose against you. Arf! You can pet my fuzzy coat. My fur is thick, and I'm roly-poly and have adorable floppy ears. I'm not scrawny and bony like a duck. You can rub my tummy-wummy!

Hug me! I would never go pee-pee on you when you were holding me in your hand. I go poopy outside. I don't let it run right out of my rear end on the floor of my stinky little pen and then jump around in it all day.

I have a cute leather buttony nose that I sniff, sniff, sniff with. Look at it! Do you see how cute my little nose is? Arf! Arf! Arf! So don't you want to hug me?

Hug me! I will grow up into a doggie that will love you and be your friend. I will love you so much, and you will love me too!

Ooh! I am getting so sleepy! I think I will take a little puppy nap. And then, when I wake up from my nap, I will be refreshed and ready to play. You will throw me a ball, and I will stumble, bumble, tumble on over to it, just to bring it back to you!

Puppies are made by God just for hugging!

Don't hug Fuzzy the Duckling! Fuzzy the Duckling has a sharp beak that he uses to poke out the eyes of his enemies. That dumb duck is too small, anyway. You might crush him with your big hands and break his neck! Then you will scream and throw him down onto the grass where he will just sit all day and not move at all.

Pick me up and hug me!

No, Hug Me!

I am a delightful little duckling. I am yellow like a daffodil. I make little cheeping sounds. Cheep, cheep, cheep! Listen to the cute little sounds I make.

I never bark when the mailman comes. If an animal barks, you should kick it very hard to make it lose its breath so it stops.

Look at my cute little beak! Peck, peck! I do not have a big lolling tongue dripping saliva on everyone. I use my cute little beak to eat little piles of cornmeal. I would never stare at every morsel you eat as it travels from the plate to your mouth, like some animals would.

I would never steal food off of the table, either. If an animal were to steal food off of your table it would probably start to steal other things, too, like money from your wallet or valuables from your drawers and start running with a bad crowd, like the sheepdogs across the road.

Look at how adorable I am in my little pen! I am here when you want to pick me up and hug me. I would never follow you around and whimper when you are trying to watch TV because I want you to throw that rubber bone across the room again. I will wait in my little pen for you to hug me. Cheep, cheep! Quiet and undemanding! Cheep, cheep!

Shambles the Puppy will get underfoot and make you break your nose. And Shambles the Puppy will grab your leg and try to mate with it. I wouldn't want Shambles crawling all over and licking my children.

I also heard Shambles got into it with some ground squirrels and has rabies. Why take the risk? Hug me!

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