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Hug Me! vs. No, Hug Me!

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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.
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Hug Me! vs. No, Hug Me!

Hug Me!

Hug me! I am so cute and furry. I will crawl all over you and lick your face. You can hold me, and I will nuzzle my nose against you. Arf! You can pet my fuzzy coat. My fur is thick, and I'm roly-poly and have adorable floppy ears. I'm not scrawny and bony like a duck. You can rub my tummy-wummy!

Hug me! I would never go pee-pee on you when you were holding me in your hand. I go poopy outside. I don't let it run right out of my rear end on the floor of my stinky little pen and then jump around in it all day.

I have a cute leather buttony nose that I sniff, sniff, sniff with. Look at it! Do you see how cute my little nose is? Arf! Arf! Arf! So don't you want to hug me?

Hug me! I will grow up into a doggie that will love you and be your friend. I will love you so much, and you will love me too!

Ooh! I am getting so sleepy! I think I will take a little puppy nap. And then, when I wake up from my nap, I will be refreshed and ready to play. You will throw me a ball, and I will stumble, bumble, tumble on over to it, just to bring it back to you!

Puppies are made by God just for hugging!

Don't hug Fuzzy the Duckling! Fuzzy the Duckling has a sharp beak that he uses to poke out the eyes of his enemies. That dumb duck is too small, anyway. You might crush him with your big hands and break his neck! Then you will scream and throw him down onto the grass where he will just sit all day and not move at all.

Pick me up and hug me!

No, Hug Me!

I am a delightful little duckling. I am yellow like a daffodil. I make little cheeping sounds. Cheep, cheep, cheep! Listen to the cute little sounds I make.

I never bark when the mailman comes. If an animal barks, you should kick it very hard to make it lose its breath so it stops.

Look at my cute little beak! Peck, peck! I do not have a big lolling tongue dripping saliva on everyone. I use my cute little beak to eat little piles of cornmeal. I would never stare at every morsel you eat as it travels from the plate to your mouth, like some animals would.

I would never steal food off of the table, either. If an animal were to steal food off of your table it would probably start to steal other things, too, like money from your wallet or valuables from your drawers and start running with a bad crowd, like the sheepdogs across the road.

Look at how adorable I am in my little pen! I am here when you want to pick me up and hug me. I would never follow you around and whimper when you are trying to watch TV because I want you to throw that rubber bone across the room again. I will wait in my little pen for you to hug me. Cheep, cheep! Quiet and undemanding! Cheep, cheep!

Shambles the Puppy will get underfoot and make you break your nose. And Shambles the Puppy will grab your leg and try to mate with it. I wouldn't want Shambles crawling all over and licking my children.

I also heard Shambles got into it with some ground squirrels and has rabies. Why take the risk? Hug me!

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