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Hug Me! vs. No, Hug Me!

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

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WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

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A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

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NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.
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Hug Me! vs. No, Hug Me!

Hug Me!

Hug me! I am so cute and furry. I will crawl all over you and lick your face. You can hold me, and I will nuzzle my nose against you. Arf! You can pet my fuzzy coat. My fur is thick, and I'm roly-poly and have adorable floppy ears. I'm not scrawny and bony like a duck. You can rub my tummy-wummy!

Hug me! I would never go pee-pee on you when you were holding me in your hand. I go poopy outside. I don't let it run right out of my rear end on the floor of my stinky little pen and then jump around in it all day.

I have a cute leather buttony nose that I sniff, sniff, sniff with. Look at it! Do you see how cute my little nose is? Arf! Arf! Arf! So don't you want to hug me?

Hug me! I will grow up into a doggie that will love you and be your friend. I will love you so much, and you will love me too!

Ooh! I am getting so sleepy! I think I will take a little puppy nap. And then, when I wake up from my nap, I will be refreshed and ready to play. You will throw me a ball, and I will stumble, bumble, tumble on over to it, just to bring it back to you!

Puppies are made by God just for hugging!

Don't hug Fuzzy the Duckling! Fuzzy the Duckling has a sharp beak that he uses to poke out the eyes of his enemies. That dumb duck is too small, anyway. You might crush him with your big hands and break his neck! Then you will scream and throw him down onto the grass where he will just sit all day and not move at all.

Pick me up and hug me!

No, Hug Me!

I am a delightful little duckling. I am yellow like a daffodil. I make little cheeping sounds. Cheep, cheep, cheep! Listen to the cute little sounds I make.

I never bark when the mailman comes. If an animal barks, you should kick it very hard to make it lose its breath so it stops.

Look at my cute little beak! Peck, peck! I do not have a big lolling tongue dripping saliva on everyone. I use my cute little beak to eat little piles of cornmeal. I would never stare at every morsel you eat as it travels from the plate to your mouth, like some animals would.

I would never steal food off of the table, either. If an animal were to steal food off of your table it would probably start to steal other things, too, like money from your wallet or valuables from your drawers and start running with a bad crowd, like the sheepdogs across the road.

Look at how adorable I am in my little pen! I am here when you want to pick me up and hug me. I would never follow you around and whimper when you are trying to watch TV because I want you to throw that rubber bone across the room again. I will wait in my little pen for you to hug me. Cheep, cheep! Quiet and undemanding! Cheep, cheep!

Shambles the Puppy will get underfoot and make you break your nose. And Shambles the Puppy will grab your leg and try to mate with it. I wouldn't want Shambles crawling all over and licking my children.

I also heard Shambles got into it with some ground squirrels and has rabies. Why take the risk? Hug me!

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