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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Hug Me! vs. No, Hug Me!

Hug Me!

Hug me! I am so cute and furry! I will crawl all over you and lick your face. You can hold me, and I will nuzzle my nose against you. Arf! You can pet my fuzzy coat. My fur is thick, and I'm roly-poly and have adorable floppy ears. I'm not scrawny and bony like a duck. You can rub my tummy-wummy!

Hug me! I would never go pee-pee on you when you were holding me in your hand. I go poopy outside. I don't let it run right out of my rear end on the floor of my stinky little pen and then jump around in it all day.

I have a cute leather button nose that I sniff, sniff, sniff with. Look at it! Do you see how cute my little nose is? Arf! Arf! Arf! So don't you want to hug me?

Hug me! I will grow up into a doggie that will love you and be your friend. I will love you so much, and you will love me too!

Ooh! I am getting so sleepy! I think I will take a little puppy nap. And then, when I wake up from my nap, I will be refreshed and ready to play. You will throw me a ball, and I will stumble, bumble, tumble on over to it, just to bring it back to you!

Puppies are made by God just for hugging!

Don't hug Fuzzy The Duckling! Fuzzy The Duckling has a sharp beak that he uses to poke out the eyes of his enemies. That dumb duck is too small, anyway. You might crush him with your big hands and break his neck! Then you will scream and throw him down onto the grass where he will just sit all day and not move at all.

Pick me up and hug me!

No, Hug Me!

Don't hug that puppy—hug me!

I am a delightful little duckling! I am yellow like a daffodil. I make little cheeping sounds. Cheep, cheep, cheep! Listen to the cute little sounds I make.

I never bark when the mailman comes. If an animal barks, you should kick it very hard to make it lose its breath so it stops.

Look at my cute little beak! Peck, peck! I do not have a big, lolling tongue that drips saliva on everyone. I use my little beak to eat little piles of cornmeal. I would never stare at every morsel you eat as it travels from the plate to your mouth like some animals would.

I would never steal food from the table, either. If an animal were to steal food from your table, it would probably start to steal other things, too, like money from your wallet or valuables from your drawers, and start running with a bad crowd, like the sheepdogs across the road.

Look at how adorable I am in my little pen! I am here when you want to pick me up and hug me. I would never follow you around and whimper because I want you to throw a rubber bone across the room again. I will wait in my little pen for you to hug me. Cheep, cheep! Quiet and undemanding! Cheep, cheep!

Shambles The Puppy will get underfoot and make you break your nose. And Shambles The Puppy will grab your leg and try to mate with it. I wouldn't want Shambles crawling all over and licking my children.

I also heard Shambles got into it with some ground squirrels and caught rabies. Why take the risk? Hug me!

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