Science & Technology

How Clinical Trials Work

Prescription medications undergo rigorous rounds of testing and approval before hitting the consumer market. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in this process

Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

With Uber’s robot cars debuting this week in Pittsburgh, many wonder whether driverless technology will improve or endanger our lives. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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I Am Threatened By Flavor Crystals vs. Flavor Crystals Rock My World!

I Am Threatened By Flavor Crystals

Go ahead, call me old-fashioned! I don't care if you brazen teenage hoodlums mock me! Maybe my views are not "in," "happening" or "out of this world." They may be unpopular in this depraved era of sin and excess. But they are the words of time-honored truth! I urge all parents and children alike to work in close connection with their families, clergy and local law enforcement personnel to wipe the scourge of Flavor Crystals from our once-great nation's now-blighted shores.

Sure, the lure of these tasty nuggets of flavor enhancement are a lure that is difficult for a child to resist, but resist they must! It is well known that gum provides a sweet-tasting diversion for many youth. Heck, I've even enjoyed a stick or two myself over the years. But it is a scientifically proven fact that the powerful burst of cinnamon-spicy goodness that is contained within even the smallest of these new-fangled "Flavor Crystals" is just too exciting for normal gum-chewing pleasure!

What, I ask you, will become of decorum, restraint, simple common decency, when something as indulgent, as deviant as a blast of Flavor Crystalline satisfaction is available at the corner drugstore for a few pennies?

Do you expect me to turn a blind eye to hedonistic chewers around us, young people driven wild by the uncontrolled taste treat of Flavor Crystals? People who drive flashy cars at inappropriate velocities? Rebels against traditional values like thrift, home and hearth, God and country? Mere children, exceeding the bounds of all commonly accepted standards of behavior, whose only credo is: "If it feels good, do it!"? Never.

Cast aside these newfangled items like soda pop and CDs. Enjoy nourishing milk instead! Invest your pocket money in grandfather clocks, china sets and government savings bonds like a good citizen should! Save up for those all-important dowries and hope chests!

Let's get these young people out of the gutter and back into the church youth group socials where they belong. Flavor Crystals? Not in my classroom! Not in this state!

Flavor Crystals Rock My World!

Get with it, old timer! Dig the scene that's happening today! It's the '90s, pal, and that means one thing: Party hearty! Just do it! Nothin' but net! Have an extreme summer! If it's too loud you're too old! Dew it to it! Double your pleasure! Have fun, be young!

I've got news for you, pal: I'm a member of the much-coveted 18 to 24-year-old youth demographic and believe me, I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts! I'm spending all of my disposable income on entertaining and delicious consumer products! Products with a devil-may-care, it's-better-to-burn-out-than-fade-away attitude! My kind of attitude!

And Flavor Crystals are a major part of that worldview! Because Flavor Crystals were designed, marketed and distributed to me! Because I'm just the kind of on-the-edge, happy-go-lucky wild man who was made for the uncontrollably delicious blast of mouth-watering flavor they provide!

You say I'm out of control? You know what? You're darn right I am!

I stay up late every night and go to late-night fast-food restaurants like Taco Bell! I'm always on the go! You can tell by the products I purchase and consume, from movies to music to food to drink to, yes, even the gum I chew! Because no ordinary gum will do for me! I need a special, youth-oriented gum to give me the wild times I crave!

And if it may not be suitable for adults, then so be it! I'm puttin' the pedal to the metal and opening up with both barrels in the face of society's cruel plan to eliminate fun from my life, a plan I know all about because I saw it detailed for me in slick, hip TV ads designed to tell me everything a rebel like me needs to know! What "The System" is, and how to fight it!

Flavor Crystals are the best damn cinnamon gum additive ever to come down the pike, and you'll get mine away from me when you pry the pack from my cold, dead fingers! I also have an alternative haircut, just like the Stone Temple Pilots! Take that, old man! Screw your authority! Everybody get off on that Flavor Crystal burst, and everybody Wang Chung tonight!


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