I Am Threatened By Flavor Crystals vs. Flavor Crystals Rock My World!

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Vol 30 Issue 11

Fourth Tool Discovered

FELK, WY—Carpenters worldwide are celebrating Sunday's discovery of a fourth tool: the screwdriver. Until Monday, laborers had but three tools at their disposal: the saw, the hammer and the rotary belt sander. Though many had speculated that a fourth tool might exist, such theories had not been proven true until carpenter Don Kniftle used a screwdriver to insert screws into particle board. "It occurred to me that my screwdriver could be considered a tool," Kniftle said. "A tool is defined as any instrument worked by hand to assist in a task. For example, if I were to use this wrench here to turn these nuts, it too could be considered a... Hey, wait a minute!"

Man Avoids Messing With Texas

JOPLIN, MO—An area man's aggression toward the Longhorn State was curbed Sunday after he read a bumper sticker that warned, "Don't Mess With Texas." The incident escalated after Joplin resident Jake Vretnar, 31, swore to friends in a drunken tirade that he would "go and fuck up that state." Vretnar boarded his truck for the drive, but cut his trip short upon seeing the bumper sticker. "I guess they're serious," he said.

Family Saved By Three-Way Inflatable Goat

MIAMI—A family of four, rescued Monday after floating in the Gulf of Mexico for nearly two weeks, credited its salvation to the father's aberrant sex toy. The Clowes family and its luggage were swept from the deck of a Carnival Cruise ship during a freak storm. Father Gerald Clowes, a librarian, reluctantly inflated "Pink-Hole: The Three-Way Inflatable Goat" only after his toddler children, Ben and Tricia, began to drown. The two children clung to Pink-Hole for 13 days before being saved by a boat of Haitian refugees.

Pop Stars To Consolidate

LOS ANGELES—Aging pop stars Elton John and Billy Joel will combine into one artist, tentatively named "Billy John," record industry executives announced Monday. The two stars' identical baby-boomer audience, as well as the similarities in their inoffensive, adult-oriented songwriting style, were cited as reasons for the change. "Face it, in today's market, there's just less and less room for more than one artist in this niche," Billy John spokesperson Sol Herberger said. A computer-generated image combining the two singers into one person has already been signed as the new spokesman for Coke, and a deluxe box set will be released this December. If the merger is successful, additional pop mergers have been planned, including a combination of Eric Clapton and Phil Collins.

I Love Being a Hostage

Do you know what I love? I'll give you a hint: I can't speak to my loved ones, I eat irregularly at best and I am miles away from the land I call home. Oops, that's three hints! Oh well. Give up? I love being a hostage, that's what I love!
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

I Am Threatened By Flavor Crystals vs. Flavor Crystals Rock My World!

I Am Threatened By Flavor Crystals

Go ahead, call me old-fashioned! I don't care if you brazen teenage hoodlums mock me! Maybe my views are not "in," "happening" or "out of this world." They may be unpopular in this depraved era of sin and excess. But they are the words of time-honored truth! I urge all parents and children alike to work in close connection with their families, clergy and local law enforcement personnel to wipe the scourge of Flavor Crystals from our once-great nation's now-blighted shores.

Sure, the lure of these tasty nuggets of flavor enhancement are a lure that is difficult for a child to resist, but resist they must! It is well known that gum provides a sweet-tasting diversion for many youth. Heck, I've even enjoyed a stick or two myself over the years. But it is a scientifically proven fact that the powerful burst of cinnamon-spicy goodness that is contained within even the smallest of these new-fangled "Flavor Crystals" is just too exciting for normal gum-chewing pleasure!

What, I ask you, will become of decorum, restraint, simple common decency, when something as indulgent, as deviant as a blast of Flavor Crystalline satisfaction is available at the corner drugstore for a few pennies?

Do you expect me to turn a blind eye to hedonistic chewers around us, young people driven wild by the uncontrolled taste treat of Flavor Crystals? People who drive flashy cars at inappropriate velocities? Rebels against traditional values like thrift, home and hearth, God and country? Mere children, exceeding the bounds of all commonly accepted standards of behavior, whose only credo is: "If it feels good, do it!"? Never.

Cast aside these newfangled items like soda pop and CDs. Enjoy nourishing milk instead! Invest your pocket money in grandfather clocks, china sets and government savings bonds like a good citizen should! Save up for those all-important dowries and hope chests!

Let's get these young people out of the gutter and back into the church youth group socials where they belong. Flavor Crystals? Not in my classroom! Not in this state!

Flavor Crystals Rock My World!

Get with it, old timer! Dig the scene that's happening today! It's the '90s, pal, and that means one thing: Party hearty! Just do it! Nothin' but net! Have an extreme summer! If it's too loud you're too old! Dew it to it! Double your pleasure! Have fun, be young!

I've got news for you, pal: I'm a member of the much-coveted 18 to 24-year-old youth demographic and believe me, I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts! I'm spending all of my disposable income on entertaining and delicious consumer products! Products with a devil-may-care, it's-better-to-burn-out-than-fade-away attitude! My kind of attitude!

And Flavor Crystals are a major part of that worldview! Because Flavor Crystals were designed, marketed and distributed to me! Because I'm just the kind of on-the-edge, happy-go-lucky wild man who was made for the uncontrollably delicious blast of mouth-watering flavor they provide!

You say I'm out of control? You know what? You're darn right I am!

I stay up late every night and go to late-night fast-food restaurants like Taco Bell! I'm always on the go! You can tell by the products I purchase and consume, from movies to music to food to drink to, yes, even the gum I chew! Because no ordinary gum will do for me! I need a special, youth-oriented gum to give me the wild times I crave!

And if it may not be suitable for adults, then so be it! I'm puttin' the pedal to the metal and opening up with both barrels in the face of society's cruel plan to eliminate fun from my life, a plan I know all about because I saw it detailed for me in slick, hip TV ads designed to tell me everything a rebel like me needs to know! What "The System" is, and how to fight it!

Flavor Crystals are the best damn cinnamon gum additive ever to come down the pike, and you'll get mine away from me when you pry the pack from my cold, dead fingers! I also have an alternative haircut, just like the Stone Temple Pilots! Take that, old man! Screw your authority! Everybody get off on that Flavor Crystal burst, and everybody Wang Chung tonight!

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