I Never Wanted You vs. Mommy, Please Come Home

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Vol 30 Issue 01

Band's Van Breaks Down

CHAPEL HILL, NC—Promising local band Spacegoat suffered a major setback on its path to fame yesterday, when its 1982 Dodge van broke down en route to a show in Durham.

African Nation Not War-Torn

PORTO-NOVO, BENIN—According to inside sources in the capital city of Porto-Novo, the nation of Benin is not currently torn by war. In addition to lacking massive civil strife and severe political turmoil, the sources say, the small West African nation is also not under threat of violent military coup by leftist guerrillas. "Benin is a peaceful country," said New York Times West African correspondent Richard Coombes. "Its people are not being killed in large numbers and buried in mass graves. Further, Benin's many cities and villages are not being burned to the ground by roving bands of power-hungry, machine gun-wielding warlords." Benin's Department of Tourism is capitalizing on the nation's lack of combat, next week launching a $30 million "Benin—You Will Not Be Killed Here!" promotional campaign.

Lester Jackson Gets His Sorry Ass Home

ST. LOUIS—At the strong urging of his wife Rhonda, Lester Jackson got his sorry ass home last night, narrowly avoiding an explosive domestic confrontation. "He better get his sorry ass home real soon," Rhonda Jackson told reporters around 11:45 p.m. yesterday, more than two hours after her husband was supposed to return from his weekly poker game. "Cause if he don't, he ain't gonna like what he find when he do." Several minutes after Rhonda Jackson made her statement, Lester Jackson dragged his sorry ass through the front door, trying to pass off another one of his sorry-ass excuses and wearing that sorry-ass hangdog look on his face he always wears when he knows he's going to get it real good.

Dream Team Wins Small Soft Drink

ATLANTA—The U.S. men's basketball "Dream Team" took home a small soft drink from McDonald's yesterday, making its players big winners and quenching their Olympic-sized thirsts. "We win when the USA wins," said power forward Karl Malone, taking a sip from the Dream Team's 12-ounce Coke. "This refreshing beverage is ice-cold proof of that." The Dream Team won the food prize Sunday, when U.S. fencer Dana Owens took gold in the individual women's epee, defeating Qatar's Faizla Hourani 15-11, 15-9. Nine of the eleven Dream Teamers shared the drink, the exceptions being center Shaquille O'Neal, who is signed to a long-term exclusive contract with Pepsi, and reserve point guard John Stockton, who wanted a Mello-Yello.

Navy Admiral Thinks He's 'Mr. Important'

QUANTICO, VA—According to a recently published report, Navy Admiral John A. Weinhardt, 57, thinks he is "Mr. Important," or something. "Oooooooh... Aren't we Mr. Special? Aren't we just Mr. Look- At- All- My- Medals- I'm- So- Important- I'm- a- Mr.- Big-Shot- Important- Mr.- Navy- Man," read part of the 340-page classified government report, which concluded, "Like wow, I'm really powerful. Oooh, look at all these people saluting me... Like, I'm just so cool, you know?." Admiral Weinhardt has declined comment on the allegations.

The Not-So-Friendly Skies

Last month's mysterious crash of TWA Flight 800 near Long Island, which came on the heels of several other major air tragedies, has sparked a national debate about the safety and security of commercial airlines. What do you think?

Clinton Announces New 'No Walkman' Rule for Congress

WASHINGTON, DC—In a reversal of more than 15 years of Presidential Walkman policy, Bill Clinton announced Monday he is banning all personal portable stereo devices from meetings of the U.S. Congress, both House and Senate.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Comfort

  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

I Never Wanted You vs. Mommy, Please Come Home

I Never Wanted You

You were a mistake, you know. I never planned to have you, and now I'm stuck with you.

You always start bawling when Grandma and I fight, but you're the reason Grandma hates me. She told me I was stupid to have you, and I sure found out that she was right.

How am I supposed to ever find a husband with a kid like you trailing after me? Who wants me now, huh? I'm going to be alone forever because of you. I wish you were 18, so I could kick you out. I'm sick of it all.

Someday I'm taking the Greyhound out of this shit town and leaving it all behind. Then you can try to find someone who wants you and you'll find it's not so easy.

All I do is work, work, work. If I didn't have you to take care of I could take tell that Eddie to shove his short little waitress uniform up his fat ass.

If I didn't have to feed you, my life would be one big vacation. I could actually have a little fun once in a while, and maybe even take a trip somewhere instead of sacrificing my life to you.

Instead, I slave all day and then come home to listen to you whine about how you're cold or sick or lonely. You're always sick with something. And when you're not in my hair you're fighting with the kids across the hall.

You don't appreciate anything. This is my own home, and I can't get any respect.

Why is this place is such a goddamn mess? You've got your toys laying all over the place—cardboard boxes and coffee cups and pop cans everywhere. I'm always tripping over your dirty clothes. What would you do if I sold the damn things? Like that ratty Mr. Sniffles that you drag around.

And then there's the cereal boxes sitting on the table. Can't you ever clean up after you eat?

Why are you so stupid? The school called me, and I had to go in for a conference and they told me I should help you at home with your schoolwork. Your bitch of a teacher comes down on me because you're so dumb.

And why don't you comb your hair? You're such an ugly, skinny kid that I'm embarrassed to take you anywhere. That's why I always leave you at home. You're always bad when we go out, embarrassing me with your screaming and jumping around. Can't you just be quiet for once?

Mommy, Please Come Home

I love you, Mommy. Come back home, please, please, pretty please. I'll be good, I promise.

I can do better. I'll help you more. I'll be your little helper. I'm sorry I didn't do the dishes and I made a mess. I'll clean everything up and make the whole place really beautiful.

You'll be happy to have me because I'm such a good worker.

I promise to be quiet. I won't bother you anymore. I won't ask you for anything. I'll just stay in my room, and I won't run around in front of the TV anymore when you say you are trying to unwind without my screaming and crying for once.

Please come home. I'll never say nothing again. Pretty please, with sugar on top, come home.

I'm sorry I told the saleslady at the door that you wouldn't be home until tomorrow. She asked me, though. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get you in trouble and make that mean woman come to our house.

Don't let them take me away, Mommy.

I know I'm bad. I swear I'll be better, though, and then you'll love me a whole lot. I'll be nice to those men, the one that smells really funny and the one with the hairy arms. And I won't come out of my room anymore when I hear you come home at night and you're laughing and singing and bumping into things. I'll just pretend I'm asleep.

I won't get mad the next day when you say I broke stuff that you did, and I'll even clean it up for you. And if the man from your work calls, I'll answer the phone and say that I'm sick and you are taking me to the emergency hospital room.

Maybe you can marry a daddy, and then I'll come out with a pretty dress on and I'll sing the pony song for him, and he'll say what a pretty and smart and nice girl I am.

And he won't even be angry that you didn't tell him about me before.

We'll be a really happy family and go and live on the beach like on TV.

Don't go away, Mommy. I love you.

On which side of this difficult issue do you stand? We'd like to know. If you agree with Rhonda, vote by calling 1-900-555-1220. If you agree with Jessy, call 1-900-555-1230. Results will be printed in next week's Onion.

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