I Want To Be A Fireman vs. I Want To Be A Seven-Year-Old-Girl

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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

Single, Unemployed Mother Leeching Off Government

WASHINGTON—Taking advantage of the system and giving nothing back in return, local unemployed, single mother Mei Xiang reportedly gave birth to two more children out of wedlock this week and continued to pathetically leech off the government.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

How New Parents Can Stay Healthy

Having a baby changes everything, and the resulting lack of sleep and general stress can contribute to a decline in overall wellness. Here are some ways new parents can prevent bad habits and maintain good health

Single Woman With 3 Young Children Unaware She Subject Of 984 Judgments Today

LINCOLN, NE—Oblivious to the thoughts and looks directed toward her as she shopped for groceries, stopped by the post office, and ran several other errands with her three young children, single mother Karen Nichols, 29, was reportedly completely unaware that she was the focus of 984 separate judgments by strangers this afternoon.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

Good News Kept From Parents Out Of Fear Of Proving Them Right

DANBURY, CT—Saying she wants no part of the conversation that would inevitably result if she broke the good news, local medical billing technician Jenny Comers reported Friday that she’s keeping word of her recent pay raise from her parents out of fear of proving them right.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

North American Children Begin Summer Migration To Dad’s

NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed.

Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

Mothershould’s Grace Manning-Devlin breaks down some of the hottest baby names of the year, such as Cooper, Tanner, Milkman, and Serf.

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Mom Gathers Rolls Of Wrapping Paper Around Her To Stroke Softly

‘Not Much Longer, My Pets’

OAKWOOD, OH—Tenderly cooing as she basked in the comforting sight of snowman, Santa, and Christmas tree patterns, local mother Melissa Weaver surrounded herself with a dozen rolls of wrapping paper to softly stroke, sources confirmed Friday.

Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...
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Special Coverage

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

I Want To Be A Fireman vs. I Want To Be A Seven-Year-Old-Girl

I Want To Be A Fireman

When I grow up, I want to be big and strong and brave and put out fires. I want to ride in a big red truck and wear a raincoat and a red hat. I want to be a fireman!

Firemen are the best people because they put out fires. The fires burn down buildings, but the firemen come in trucks and put out the fires with water from hoses and from fire hydrants. They go in the burning houses if people are inside and can't get out. Even if the buildings are on fire! And they get everybody out so they don't get hurt. Because firemen are very brave and like to help people by stopping the fires from burning all the houses down. And rescuing the people, too.

I already have a book about firemen and about fire trucks, too.

When I get big I'm going to be a fireman. I am. I will live in the big firehouse with the other firemen, and so will Mrs. Kitty, and I will shine up the trucks--the Pumper Truck and the Hooking Ladder Truck, and I will shine them all shiny.

And if there is a fire I will slide down the big pole. I'll slide right down--zooom! Also, I will slide down all the time even if there is not a fire. And I will play with the spotted dog, and so will my kitty. Her name is Mrs. Kitty!

Mrs. Kitty was up in a tree that time, you know? And she was scared to come down? And the fireman came and got her down, you know? With a ladder! And they gave me a fireman badge and it says "Fireman" on it, and they said I was an honorary fireman girl! Just like them. And so Mrs. Kitty wants to be a fireman now 'cause she got saved and I want to be a fireman, too. But because I already am a fireman. A honorary one. But I will be one for real, too, someday, but first I have to grow up.

I Want To Be A Seven-Year-Old-Girl

I enjoy being a fireman. It's a rewarding job, putting out fires and helping people in need. Besides, it's a very tangible way of helping the community. People respect you when you're a fireman.

But despite the fact that lugging heavy hoses, smashing through burning walls with a fire axe, and carrying victims across your shoulders can be quite fulfilling, it's also a big responsibility. It's tough being a big strong man day in and day out. I guess that's why I so often find myself daydreaming about being an adorable, precious little seven-year-old girl.

Being seven, now, that would be the life. I would wear a pretty little yellow jumper while I skipped rope, and I'd know all the words to jump-rope rhymes like, "Cinderella Dressed In Yellow." I could even pretend I was Cinderella in my pretty little yellow jumper. Not that I'd have just the one jumper, mind you; I'd have dozens, in many different colors, and lots of beautiful sun-dresses, and lots of adorable, lacy, frilly white socks to wear with my buckle-shoes. I would have a lot of outfits, and they'd all be much more comfortable than this 30-pound raincoat.

I would have one very special pink flowery pinafore that I would only wear to teatime with Pooh and Paddington and Raggedy Ann. I would wear this dress with a sweet little bonnet with ribbons, and my hair would be long and fine and done up in bows. I would be a pretty little girl, very prim and proper and delicate--not some big, burly ox who can barely get his finger through the cup-handle without breaking the cup half the time. I would always stick my pinky out while I sipped from my cup. There would be biscuits and little white cakes, as well, and I would throw a simply delightful afternoon tea party.

I would be the very best little girl in the world, and the grownups would buy me lollipops and treats and generally spoil me. I would say, "Please" and "Thank you" and "If you please, ma'am," and the grownups would protect me and keep me safe, and no one would ever expect me to get out of bed at four in the morning and lug some damn hippie out of the raging apartment fire he started with his grow lights.

I would not be lazy, though. I would go around with my miniature feather duster, wearing that cute blue frock I have way in the back of my closet, and I'd keep everything spic-and-span. The firemen would tousle my hair and say I was a good little girl, and they'd play hide-and-seek with me and tuck me in at night and sing me lullabies. They'd hardly ever have to spank me until my little bottom turned pink.

I would be such a good girl, I would be able to stay little forever and ever. I'd never have to grow up and get big and clumsy and ugly and hairy and hate my smelly body. I would be cute and dainty forever, like all little girls should.

After Birth Video