I Wish My Life Was Better vs. Do You Wish Your Life Was Better?

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Vol 40 Issue 37

Kerry Vows To Raise Wife's Taxes

BOSTON—Campaigning in his home state, John Kerry vowed Monday to raise taxes on his wife Teresa Heinz Kerry, whose worth is estimated to be in the range of $900 million to $3.2 billion. "My spouse has benefited long enough from tax cuts," Kerry said. "If Congress increased her taxes by 15 percent, this country would have millions of dollars to use to create new jobs and explore alternative energy sources." Kerry added that it's high time that billionaires like the one with whom he shares his life start paying their fair share.

Letter Of Recommendation Reused For Eighth Intern

NEW YORK—Attorney Dina H. Berman of Oliva, Berman & Chase said Tuesday that he has used the same letter of recommendation for eight consecutive interns. "Unless someone is a complete fuck-up, I can pretty much pull up the letter and just change the names and dates," Berman said. "They're all 'enterprising and enthusiastic with a lot of great ideas and an asset to any team' to me." Berman finished the letter with the standard offer to answer any questions about the intern, but did not correct the transposed digits in her phone number.

Petulant 12-Year-Old Refuses To Brown The Ground Chuck

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—In spite of repeated requests from his mother, 12-year-old John Farina refused to brown the ground chuck Monday. "With the things I do around here, I ask you to do one thing to help me get dinner ready, and even that's too much," Farina's mother Karen yelled at the wall of her son's bedroom, where he had been playing a video game since returning from school. "And I don't care if you don't want taco casserole—it's your sister's turn to pick. You chose sloppy joes yesterday, so deal with it." Family sources report that Farina acceded to his mother's hamburger-related demands as soon as she introduced the alternate threat of washing the lettuce.

Cinemax Director Wins Award For Skinematography

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Marvin Solis, director of the late-night Cinemax offering Uptown Girl, nabbed the coveted Best Skinematography trophy at the 2004 Eroty Awards Monday night. "It's truly an honor to be recognized for this wonderful project," Solis said of the 43-minute erotic thriller, which stars Kira Jackson as a bored high-society housewife seduced into the steamy world of underground sex clubs. "I couldn't have done it without the help of my location scout, my lighting coordinator, and all those 14-year-old Cinemax viewers." Last year, Solis won the Zalman King Lifetime Achievement Award.

Assault-Weapons Ban Expires

The 10-year-old federal law banning the sale of 19 types of semiautomatic assault weapons expired Monday. What do you think?

Trapped Miner Wishes He Could See The Coverage

MCINTYRE, PA—Kevin Rybicki, a coal miner trapped 340 feet underground, wished Monday that he had more headlamp batteries, another sandwich, and access to the coverage of his plight—which, he assumes, is captivating the nation.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

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I Wish My Life Was Better vs. Do You Wish Your Life Was Better?

I Wish My Life Was Better

I spend a lot of time sitting around, hoping that something will drop out of the sky and make my life better. I talk about it all the time. My friends have heard me say it, my family has heard me say it, and my ex-girlfriends have heard me say it. I really believe I deserve more than what I have, but whenever I think about how hard it is to turn things around, I end up feeling so hopeless. I'm stuck in a rut, but what can I do about it?

I look around my shabby apartment and say, "I could do better than this." My furniture is comfortable, but it doesn't even match. Is this the kind of place I want to have in five years? Ten? Certainly not, but what can I do to change that?

When I consider my job, I think, "Did I really choose to be a taxi dispatcher? Did I take control of life, or did it take control of me?" I'd always imagined I'd be working somewhere I could use my creativity, instead of doing the same boring thing day after day, week after week, month after month, until suddenly, "Hey, Carl. Happy birthday, Carl. We got you a cake... 42, right? Wow." Still, the prospect of finding a new career is so daunting. Especially now that I've started to earn benefits. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Then there's my personal life. If only there were some way to improve my relationships. I really don't have a lot of friends. The few times I do get invited to a party, I usually end up sitting alone in the kitchen, loathing everyone else. Sometimes, I get the nagging feeling that if I could simply learn how to communicate more effectively, I'd not only have more friends, but I'd get along with my family, too. Maybe I'd even be married. I usually try to shake that feeling off, because I don't have the slightest clue how to change the way I interact with others.

I'm positive there's a better life out there for me. But every time I try to imagine what it might include, I get confused and frustrated. What I need is a plan of action, but it feels like I'll never find one that isn't impossible. As I go to sleep at night, I'm often gripped by the fear that I'm going to die poor, unloved, and unfulfilled. Isn't there someone out there who can help me?

Do You Wish Your Life Was Better?

Are you someone who lies on the living-room couch, hoping that something is going to drop out of the sky and make your life better? Have your friends and family—even people you barely know—heard you wish, over and over, that there was something you could do? Does it seem hopeless? Do you wish your life was better? Well, I'm here to tell you right now that it can be. If you're stuck in a rut, the patented Total Forward Thinking program will help get you back on track.

Do you look around your apartment and say, "I could do better than this"? Sure, your house might be comfortable—maybe the furniture even matches—but I'm here to tell you that you can do better. The Total Forward Thinking program will help you find what your future could hold. Not only that, but it will take you, step-by-step, toward a workable plan to get you where you really want to be.

I know what you're going through. Before I created my Total Forward Thinking plan, I knew that the life I was living was not for me. I was renting a cramped, dirty studio apartment. I had a dead-end job. My social life? What social life?! I knew I deserved better, but I was paralyzed by failure. Thanks to the Total Forward Thinking principles, my wonderful family and I now live in a $2 million house that overlooks the ocean. I couldn't be happier!

You've got to stop wishing and hoping, and start doing. You've got to take a portion of each day and visualize where you want to be five years from now. You have to see it clearly, or you're never going to get there. Then, you have to come up with a workable plan to reach your goals. This is where my book, Total Forward Thinking: The Plan, comes in. My book will provide you with the real-world strategies you'll need to make your visualized future come to life.

The thing that many people don't understand is just how much the Total Forward Thinking plan can make a difference in your life. It's not just about your job or your apartment or material goods. It can also help your relationships. Not everyone knows they can change how they interact with their loved ones, but the fact is that they can. You can make things better, but it takes time, visualization, and, of course, Total Forward Thinking.

Total Forward Thinking completely changed my life. I still use the exercises outlined in my book, even though I have a successful career, a supermodel wife, and beautiful twin baby girls. I won't stop 'til the day I die, because Total Forward Thinking is a lifelong process. Things keep getting better, and they will for you, too—just as soon as you order Total Forward Thinking: The Plan. The book has everything you need to send your life in a wonderful new direction. You have my guarantee.

So if you're out there wondering, hoping, and wishing someone could help you get your life on track, now's the time to stop dreaming and start doing. Get on the path that will take you where you want to be. Total Forward Thinking will change the rest of your life. Act now!

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