It's All About The Benjamins vs. Actually, The Benjamins Are Only A Small Part Of A Larger Set of Concerns

Top Headlines



45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Romantic Gesture Too Expensive To Waste On Current Girlfriend

HARRISBURG, PA—Claiming that the price of the incredible idea far exceeded his emotional investment in his relationship, local man Alex Ramsey said Wednesday that an extravagant romantic gesture he has in mind is too expensive to waste on his current girlfriend.

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.

Tips For Cheaper Airfare

Whether the busy travel season, fuel prices, or airline collusion is to blame, airfare is currently very pricey, making traveling more difficult. The Onion walks you through some ways to reduce the cost of flying

Budget Wedding Tips

With Americans still feeling the effects of the recession, many engaged couples are looking for ways to save money on their wedding by holding a smaller ceremony, hunting for deals, and more.

Commonly Overlooked Tax Credits

As Americans rush to fill out their tax forms before the April 15 deadline, many may not realize that they are eligible for multiple tax credits that would earn money back from the government.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.

Newlywed Couple Looks So Deeply In Debt

CHICAGO—Saying that you could tell by the way they stared into each other’s eyes, friends and family of newlywed couple Patrick and Heather Vaughn told reporters Friday that the bride and groom look so deeply in debt.

How Powerball Works

With no winner from the previous drawing, the jackpot for Wednesday’s Powerball lottery is expected to surpass $450 million, as gamblers around the nation buy more tickets in hopes of drawing the lucky numbers.

The Pros And Cons Of Free Community College

As part of an effort to make higher education accessible to all Americans, President Obama has proposed offering two free years of community college to qualified students, a plan critics say is too expensive and misses the mark on education reform.

Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...

Online Shopping vs. In-Store Shopping

While brick-and-mortar stores like Walmart and Target are advertising door-buster deals to get consumers in their aisles on Black Friday, many Americans are opting to take advantage of the ease and product variety of online shopping.

Scientists Receive $10 Million Grant To Melt Stuff

COLLEGE PARK, MD—Saying the money would help further researchers’ understanding of the awesome scientific phenomenon, representatives for the American Institute of Physics announced Tuesday that they had received a $10 million grant to melt st...

The Cost Of Raising A Child

According to a new report by the USDA, the cost of raising a child until age 18 now exceeds $245,000, after which many parents will also have to foot the bill for college.

How Public Schools Spend Taxpayer Money

Public school districts in the United States receive billions of taxpayer dollars in state and federal funding every year to pay for teacher salaries, school bus transportation, building maintenance, counseling services, and more.

Bank Of America Introduces New $50 Underdraft Fee

CHARLOTTE, NC—Saying the penalty will cover the costs incurred by the financial institution whenever a customer makes a withdrawal that results in a positive account balance, Bank of America introduced a new $50 underdraft fee Tuesday on all checkin...

How To Protect Your Personal Information Online

Following the recent data breach at retail giant Target, which exposed credit card numbers and personal information of as many as 110 million people, many Americans have grown concerned about their safety and privacy online.

'That Seems About Right,' Says Soon-To-Be-Audited Man

CAMDEN, MN—While filling out a 1040 form and other documents Tuesday in preparation for filing his 2012 federal tax returns, local man Robert Moran, a blog writer who will shortly be audited by the Internal Revenue Service, announced that his calcul...

New Visa Talking Credit Card Urges Buyers To Go For It

SAN FRANCISCO—Financial services giant Visa held a press event Tuesday to introduce "Visa Voice," a new line of talking credit cards that urges shoppers to just go ahead and buy it if that's what they really want. "Whenever ...

Nicolas Cage Broke

Owing $6.3 million in back taxes and facing financial ruin, Nicolas Cage, star of such hit films as Ghost Rider,...

Wachovia's Record Losses

Last week, Wachovia posted a quarterly loss of $23.9 billion, the largest ever for a bank. Where did it lose the money?

Protecting Our Banks

The Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation, the body that insures bank deposits up to $100,000, has raised the number of "troubled banks" to...

Murdoch Buying Dow Jones

After years of planning and negotiation, media mogul Rupert Murdoch will be buying Dow Jones and The Wall Street Journal for $5 billion....

Fear Factor Creator's Will: 'Heirs Must Eat My Ashes To Collect Inheritance'

LOS ANGELES—According to details of Fear Factor creator John de Mol's will released Monday, his heirs cannot collect their inheritance until they complete a battery of challenges. "I do bequeath my estate to my wife and children, henceforth 'you,' on the condition that you fully consume the ashes from my freshly cremated corpse," the creator's will read. "Should you be able to complete the task, you will receive $10 million and a Caribbean vacation. Fail, and you'll be eliminated from my benefactors—unless you spend one hour locked in a coffin filled with maggots." Comedian Joe Rogan will serve as the will's executor.

$25,000 Is Its Own Reward

I don't consider myself special. True, I helped bring a dangerous criminal to justice, but the attention I received doesn't matter to me. Call me a hero if you want, but I didn't do it for the praise. As far as I'm concerned, $25,000 is its own reward.

Teen Learns The Negligible Value Of A Dollar

ASHLAND, WI—After earning $5 for mowing his family's half-acre lawn, 13-year-old Andrew Mink learned the negligible value of a dollar at the town's sporting-goods store Sunday. "Pops dropped me off at Dunham's before baseball practice so I could buy something with my hard-earned money," Mink said. "I kinda wanted a baseball glove, but that was almost $40. A new bat was, like, $65. Even a batting glove was more than $10." The teen finally found a wristband for $3.99, but he was unable to afford sales tax on the item after reserving one dollar for his bus fare home.

Man Has Mixed Feelings About $39 Flight

SANDY SPRINGS, GA—Moments after saving hundreds of dollars on round-trip airfare from Atlanta to Los Angeles, Phillip Walden, 41, experienced mixed feelings about the bargain $39 Southwest Airlines flight. "What sort of corners would they have to cut to make a profit on that low a fare?" Walden wondered aloud after completing the purchase. "Would $39 from every passenger even cover the fuel?" For safety's sake, Walden resolved to buy the second-cheapest ticket available from now on.

Lottery Loser Angry At Lottery Winner

HARRISBURG, PA—Winona Culvert, a loser in Monday's $113 million Pennsylvania Lottery, expressed anger at Mechanicsburg electrician Clint Furlow, who took home the jackpot after buying a single ticket on a whim. "Who the hell does that asshole think he is?" said Culvert upon seeing the news report of Furlow's victory. "I bought 40 tickets." Culvert added that she needs the prize money far more than Furlow, as she has been on public assistance for the past two years.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


Good Times



It's All About The Benjamins vs. Actually, The Benjamins Are Only A Small Part Of A Larger Set of Concerns

It's All About The Benjamins

Yo, who y'all think you be foolin' tryna act all hard and shit? I ain't tryna hear you talkin' 'bout how you be all this and that. Y'all wanna be ballers, shot-callers and brawlers? Y'all wanna be a jigga nigga like my man Jay-Z? Then peep this, 'cause I'm-a school you right here and now 'bout the facts of life. Lemme break it down for you one time, straight up. This here's the real deal: Talk don't mean shit, 'cause in this world, ain't nothin' matter but the cheddar, baby. Yeah, that's right, it's like my man Puff Daddy say: It's all about the Benjamins, my man. Believe that.

Mack Master Dwayne, he don't play, know what I'm sayin'? I gots expenses, and I gots to get paid. People these days, they forget what's important. People thinkin' that it's all about a fashion show, but they forgettin' that the rule is get the cash and go. This is Mack Master Dwayne talkin' to you now, and you know it all comes down to the money.

You know you gots to flash that cash, or it's your ass. Real niggas like Puff know what they talkin' 'bout, tryna bury seven zeroes over in Rio de Janery. Fuck bein' a broke-ass nigga. I'm livin' the life of luxury. I ain't got no time to mess with nothin' less than the best. I got expensive tastes, and I gotta spend. Understand I'm the man with the master plan. I'm a high-roller, and I need the C.R.E.A.M.

Cash. Rules. Everything. Around. Me.

I'm talkin' fatass bank rolls. Swimmin' in European figures. Me and Lorenzo rollin' in the Benzo. Big boomin' bass in your face, on the low from the Jake, disappearin' without no trace. If it ain't about the Benjamins, what's it about? I gets respect. Everybody in the neighborhood know my name. Mack Master Dwayne got clout, shit yeah. But even more important, I gots the Benjamins, on the serious tip, for real.

Diamonds? Check out the carats on my fingers: Y'all think that shit just grow on trees? Nigga please. It cost money. M to the O to the N to the E to the Y, bro. Clothes? Check the solid-gold zippers on my Tommy jeans. Check out my genuine reptile boots. That's newest latest, baby, finest and designest. Grants like Horace, straight up, no foolin'. This is the only way to live.

Cars? I got fly rides on all sides. I got the Benz, I got the Range Rover, BMWs, Maseratis, you name it. Coupes? I got mad coupes. Women? I'm talkin' five plus fives to my left and to my right. I'm coolin' out with models and poppin' Cristal. I'm sippin' Moet on my private jet.

How you think I'm livin' so fine? How did I get these $300 shoes? Where this solid-gold jewel-encrusted Rolex come from? Why all these fine bitches always wanna be licking my bizalls? I'll tell you the answer right now: Benjamins. Ben. Ja. Mins.

It's all about the Benjamins, baby. Say what? I said, it's all about the Benjamins. Cash money. Crazy bills. Mad flowin' cheddar. Ma$e, Foxy Brown, Junior M.A.F.I.A.--they all got the ride idea, I tellin' you. They be strictly stackin' chips, bitch, knowwhatI'msayin'?

I talkin' one thing: monetary units. No doubt, I out. Peace.

Actually, The Benjamins Are Only A Small Part Of A Larger Set of Concerns

While the impetus to maximize one's financial resources is most certainly to be commended, there are a host of serious concerns facing the entrepreneur that must be taken into account to ensure real financial security and stability in the long run. Cash monetary holdings such as Grants and Benjamins are, quite simply, not a good way to safeguard your profit potential in the long run. They are heavily taxed and subject to any number of "hidden" fees that can, over time, decimate your savings and lead to a less-than-satisfactory Benjamin-accumulation scenario. A much wiser course of action entails taking advantage of one of the many long-term investment strategies open to the small investor.

This process is, of course, one that entails risk. The world of long-term financial planning is fraught with hazards, a confusing and difficult landscape for the layman to negotiate. While one investment may seem at first to offer virtually risk-free Benjamanic gain, one may find that the actual situation is much more complicated. By the same token, a strategy that seems intimidatingly complicated may, in fact, be the best option, if you research the specifics. Because of these many conundra, often the business layman becomes easily distracted from achieving his or her full financial potential. However, one will find that a well-informed, carefully thought-out personal investment strategy arrived at after careful consideration of the many factors involved can lead to considerable Benjamin accumulation for one's self, family and business.

If, like many people, you wish to maximize your Benjamins without putting them at undue risk, there are a few things you should know. First, don't put all of your Benjamins into one fund, especially a high-risk fund. Tempting as it may be, due to the prospect of short-term, high-yield Benjamin-increase, it is an unwise and impractical danger in the long-run. It is better to diversify your Benjamins by judiciously experimenting with select promising high-risk funds while spreading the bulk of your Benjamins over a wide range of investments. In today's volatile market, Benjamin-diversification is crucial.

Similarly, though Mack Master Dwayne's interest in European figures is commendable, it should be remembered that playing the currency-exchange rate can get you burned at tax time. Also, due to the many pitfalls of international law to which so-called "foreign tax-shelters" are so often vulnerable, the burying of seven, or even just five or six, zeroes in Rio de Janery is not advised.

Instead, invest in specific low-risk commodities that show slow, steady Benjamin growth. Diversification means that your Benjamins are spread over many markets. Remember this handy anagram: C.R.E.A.M.: Commodities Regulate Euro-American Markets. If your Benjamins are invested in several commodities, localized fluctuations in one commodities market will not significantly affect your overall Benjamanic health.

For those who don't wish to enter into commodities trading even at a modest level, your safest investment, although not the most profitable, is a federally backed Benjamin-market account. You may not be poppin' Cristal bottles in a Benzo, but you will be building a stable financial foundation.

Remember, you shouldn't be working for your Benjamins: You need your Benjamins to work for you. Many marginally successful playas fall into this trap, failing to take into account the many larger quality-of-life issues that Benjamin-acquisition involves. That is why it is essential that you secure the services of an accredited Benjamin-investment advisor. These professionals are familiar with the confusing and often complex financial landscape in which you want your Benjamins to thrive and grow. By examining the specific circumstances of your Benjamins and integrating them into the overall Benjamanic climate of today's changing investment marketplace, they can help set you down the path to long-term Benjamanic security. Otherwise, you may find that, despite your original confidence, you have totally played yourself like a weak, wack-ass bee-yotch within just a few years of your initial success, much like, in my rather informed opinion, Bad Boy recording artist Sean "Puffy" Combs.

I thank you for your time.

Money Video