Recent News

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.
End Of Section
  • More News

It's All About The Benjamins vs. Actually, The Benjamins Are Only A Small Part Of A Larger Set of Concerns

It's All About The Benjamins

Yo, who y'all think you be foolin' tryna act all hard and shit? I ain't tryna hear you talkin' 'bout how you be all this and that. Y'all wanna be ballers, shot-callers and brawlers? Y'all wanna be a jigga nigga like my man Jay-Z? Then peep this, 'cause I'm-a school you right here and now 'bout the facts of life. Lemme break it down for you one time, straight up. This here's the real deal: Talk don't mean shit, 'cause in this world, ain't nothin' matter but the cheddar, baby. Yeah, that's right, it's like my man Puff Daddy say: It's all about the Benjamins, my man. Believe that.

Mack Master Dwayne, he don't play, know what I'm sayin'? I gots expenses, and I gots to get paid. People these days, they forget what's important. People thinkin' that it's all about a fashion show, but they forgettin' that the rule is get the cash and go. This is Mack Master Dwayne talkin' to you now, and you know it all comes down to the money.

You know you gots to flash that cash, or it's your ass. Real niggas like Puff know what they talkin' 'bout, tryna bury seven zeroes over in Rio de Janery. Fuck bein' a broke-ass nigga. I'm livin' the life of luxury. I ain't got no time to mess with nothin' less than the best. I got expensive tastes, and I gotta spend. Understand I'm the man with the master plan. I'm a high-roller, and I need the C.R.E.A.M.

Cash. Rules. Everything. Around. Me.

I'm talkin' fatass bank rolls. Swimmin' in European figures. Me and Lorenzo rollin' in the Benzo. Big boomin' bass in your face, on the low from the Jake, disappearin' without no trace. If it ain't about the Benjamins, what's it about? I gets respect. Everybody in the neighborhood know my name. Mack Master Dwayne got clout, shit yeah. But even more important, I gots the Benjamins, on the serious tip, for real.

Diamonds? Check out the carats on my fingers: Y'all think that shit just grow on trees? Nigga please. It cost money. M to the O to the N to the E to the Y, bro. Clothes? Check the solid-gold zippers on my Tommy jeans. Check out my genuine reptile boots. That's newest latest, baby, finest and designest. Grants like Horace, straight up, no foolin'. This is the only way to live.

Cars? I got fly rides on all sides. I got the Benz, I got the Range Rover, BMWs, Maseratis, you name it. Coupes? I got mad coupes. Women? I'm talkin' five plus fives to my left and to my right. I'm coolin' out with models and poppin' Cristal. I'm sippin' Moet on my private jet.

How you think I'm livin' so fine? How did I get these $300 shoes? Where this solid-gold jewel-encrusted Rolex come from? Why all these fine bitches always wanna be licking my bizalls? I'll tell you the answer right now: Benjamins. Ben. Ja. Mins.

It's all about the Benjamins, baby. Say what? I said, it's all about the Benjamins. Cash money. Crazy bills. Mad flowin' cheddar. Ma$e, Foxy Brown, Junior M.A.F.I.A.--they all got the ride idea, I tellin' you. They be strictly stackin' chips, bitch, knowwhatI'msayin'?

I talkin' one thing: monetary units. No doubt, I out. Peace.

Actually, The Benjamins Are Only A Small Part Of A Larger Set of Concerns

While the impetus to maximize one's financial resources is most certainly to be commended, there are a host of serious concerns facing the entrepreneur that must be taken into account to ensure real financial security and stability in the long run. Cash monetary holdings such as Grants and Benjamins are, quite simply, not a good way to safeguard your profit potential in the long run. They are heavily taxed and subject to any number of "hidden" fees that can, over time, decimate your savings and lead to a less-than-satisfactory Benjamin-accumulation scenario. A much wiser course of action entails taking advantage of one of the many long-term investment strategies open to the small investor.

This process is, of course, one that entails risk. The world of long-term financial planning is fraught with hazards, a confusing and difficult landscape for the layman to negotiate. While one investment may seem at first to offer virtually risk-free Benjamanic gain, one may find that the actual situation is much more complicated. By the same token, a strategy that seems intimidatingly complicated may, in fact, be the best option, if you research the specifics. Because of these many conundra, often the business layman becomes easily distracted from achieving his or her full financial potential. However, one will find that a well-informed, carefully thought-out personal investment strategy arrived at after careful consideration of the many factors involved can lead to considerable Benjamin accumulation for one's self, family and business.

If, like many people, you wish to maximize your Benjamins without putting them at undue risk, there are a few things you should know. First, don't put all of your Benjamins into one fund, especially a high-risk fund. Tempting as it may be, due to the prospect of short-term, high-yield Benjamin-increase, it is an unwise and impractical danger in the long-run. It is better to diversify your Benjamins by judiciously experimenting with select promising high-risk funds while spreading the bulk of your Benjamins over a wide range of investments. In today's volatile market, Benjamin-diversification is crucial.

Similarly, though Mack Master Dwayne's interest in European figures is commendable, it should be remembered that playing the currency-exchange rate can get you burned at tax time. Also, due to the many pitfalls of international law to which so-called "foreign tax-shelters" are so often vulnerable, the burying of seven, or even just five or six, zeroes in Rio de Janery is not advised.

Instead, invest in specific low-risk commodities that show slow, steady Benjamin growth. Diversification means that your Benjamins are spread over many markets. Remember this handy anagram: C.R.E.A.M.: Commodities Regulate Euro-American Markets. If your Benjamins are invested in several commodities, localized fluctuations in one commodities market will not significantly affect your overall Benjamanic health.

For those who don't wish to enter into commodities trading even at a modest level, your safest investment, although not the most profitable, is a federally backed Benjamin-market account. You may not be poppin' Cristal bottles in a Benzo, but you will be building a stable financial foundation.

Remember, you shouldn't be working for your Benjamins: You need your Benjamins to work for you. Many marginally successful playas fall into this trap, failing to take into account the many larger quality-of-life issues that Benjamin-acquisition involves. That is why it is essential that you secure the services of an accredited Benjamin-investment advisor. These professionals are familiar with the confusing and often complex financial landscape in which you want your Benjamins to thrive and grow. By examining the specific circumstances of your Benjamins and integrating them into the overall Benjamanic climate of today's changing investment marketplace, they can help set you down the path to long-term Benjamanic security. Otherwise, you may find that, despite your original confidence, you have totally played yourself like a weak, wack-ass bee-yotch within just a few years of your initial success, much like, in my rather informed opinion, Bad Boy recording artist Sean "Puffy" Combs.

I thank you for your time.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close