adBlockCheck

Killing Wheelchair-Bound People With Missiles Is Justifiable If They're Terrorists vs. Killing Wheelchair-Bound People

Top Headlines

Recent News

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Killing Wheelchair-Bound People With Missiles Is Justifiable If They're Terrorists vs. Killing Wheelchair-Bound People

Killing Wheelchair-Bound People With Missiles Is Justifiable If They're Terrorists

The global balance of power has changed dramatically in the last two decades. In the past, great armies and great industrial capabilities were needed to threaten strong nations. Now, shadowy networks of individuals can cause great suffering for the cost of a homemade explosive. To effectively counter this new threat, we must make use of every tool in our arsenal—military power, homeland defense, law enforcement, intelligence, and short-range helicopter-mounted missiles to pick off elderly, wheelchair-bound terrorists one at a time.

With terrorist threats expanding in every theater, those in power must employ proactive strategies of defense. Freedom-loving nations cannot deploy conventional troops against the diverse and unpredictable forces that threaten their citizens. Thus, it is fully understandable that when the Israeli army located Hamas founder Sheikh Ahmed Yassin outside of a mosque in March, they launched a missile at his wheelchair.

Our potential adversaries believe that, while their nation's survival is at stake in a regional conflict, ours isn't. As a consequence, they calculate that we can and will back down when confronted with dire threats, such as weapons of mass destruction, but that they will not. Therefore, people who fight a war on terror are at an inherent disadvantage, because the enemy is unafraid to die. In fact, many terrorists see martyrdom as a reward.

There are those who suggest that every terrorist killed equals three more terrorists created. But is this really true? Shouldn't we send the message that we will never bow to the threat of terrorism? We can do so by striking the enemy as hard, as brutally, and as dramatically as possible. If deemed necessary, we must outfit helicopters with missile launchers, find out where our enemy's wheelchair-bound former leaders worship, fly our missile-outfitted helicopters to those places of worship, and blow those leaders apart.

Mine will not be a popular opinion. In war, however, the word "popular" has little meaning and even less practical application. If governments, in the course of making war, can convince a splinter faction that they will bring all available force to bear on all avowed enemies at every possible opportunity, they gain a distinct advantage. Killing one enemy target with one missile is an acceptable practice, even—and in the case of terrorist enemies, especially—if that target is an old man in a wheelchair.

Killing Wheelchair-Bound People With Missiles Is Awesome

I heard about the Israeli rocket attack on that old handicapped Hamas guy, and I'm sure a lot of people had the same reaction I did: Whatever reason the army had for doing it, blowing up a guy in a wheelchair with a missile is unbelievably, absolutely fucking awesome!

Now, let me say this: I realize the guy was one of their big rebel leaders over there, or something, and I guess he called for the deaths of tons of innocent people and so on, and that was the excuse they needed to take the old guy out. But that's not the point. The point is they totally fucking launched a missile at the guy's wheelchair from a helicopter! That's some grade-A Bam Margera video-game shit, and I for one am fucking stoked that they did it. I don't know how much that one missile cost, but it was utterly and completely worth it to know that some coot on wheels got rocket-launched into the middle of next year.

This sort of thing needs to happen more often. The U.S. military would be a lot more popular if they concentrated on pulling off cool-ass shit like this. And it doesn't have to be just wars, right? I mean, we have a lot, I mean a lot, of folks in wheelchairs all over the world. And sure, most of them are probably all-right guys. But people are people, so there's gotta be a whole lot of wheelchair-bound people that are total shits, too. I bet there are guys in wheelchairs who beat their women, or maybe they got that way by drunk driving, or maybe they wheel around all day trying to diddle little kids. Face it, if someone's trying to do that shit, it's okay to fuck them up as much as possible. Blowing their asses up with a missile would be pretty much perfect.

I like the part about getting them while they're leaving church, too. It's when they'd least be expecting it, being all contemplative and shit, and suddenly they're like, "Hey, do you hear a helicopter? Guys? Guys?" Then it's just pshoooo—wham! Blood and spokes everywhere!

God, that's cool just to think about. I guess it's probably pretty rare, too. Even if it doesn't become standard procedure, it's awesome that it happened once.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close