Killing Wheelchair-Bound People With Missiles Is Justifiable If They're Terrorists vs. Killing Wheelchair-Bound People

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Vol 40 Issue 19

Halliburton Employee's Pay Docked For Weeks Spent As Hostage

BAGHDAD—Spokesmen for Halliburton International announced Monday that employee Thomas Hamill will not be paid for the three weeks he failed to fulfill his truck-driving duties while being held at gunpoint by Iraqi captors. "While we share your joy in regaining your freedom, we are forced to withhold your wages for the period of April 9 to May 2," read the official corporate reprimand, which reached Hamill in Germany as doctors treated his bullet wound. "A disciplinary slip noting your failure to report to work has been added to your employee file." Halliburton has not yet disclosed the amount Hamill is being charged for structural damage to the company truck he was shot in.

House Inappropriations Committee Suggests Nation's Women Dress A Little Sexier

WASHINGTON, DC—In a policy initiative released Monday, the chairman of the House Inappropriations Committee suggested that the women of America start to dress a little more provocatively. "Why don't they wear some shorter skirts?" U.S. Rep. Bill Young (R-FL) said. "They've got nice legs. They should show 'em off." Young said he could offer American females even more suggestions if Congress would underwrite a fact-finding tour to Miami Beach.

Bathroom Too Disgusting To Shit In

AUSTIN, TX—The men's bathroom at area rock club Emo's was declared too repulsive for the emptying of concertgoer Max Risdy's bowels Saturday night. "The floor was covered with water, there was toilet paper and garbage everywhere, and it smelled disgusting," Risdy said, wincing at the memory Monday. "It was really not the kind of place you want to leave a big pile of digested food matter after squeezing it through your rectum from the depths of your bowels." Risdy added that the area near the music venue's stage was too loud and crowded.

Film-School Graduate Goes Straight To Video-Store Job

SANTA MONICA, CA—The theatrical career of recent USC School of Cinema-Television graduate Neil Hemmitt was put on hold indefinitely as the aspiring director went straight to video-store clerking Monday. "The big studios never gave me a chance," Hemmitt said, as he shelved a Big Fish DVD at Blockbuster. "But it's because they didn't understand me." Hemmitt's producers, Harold and Francine Hemmitt, pulled his financial support in March, after calling his predicament "hardly original."

Sugar Baby

Ever notice how big things happen when you least expect them? You settle into a routine, and you go along like that for years, but then, suddenly, the bottom drops out from under you? I used to think these sort of jolts happened to other people, and not an "old reliable" like me. Not true, it turns out!

Iraqi Prisoner Abuse

Though the Bush Administration apologized for U.S. abuse of Iraqi prisoners, some feel the coalition's reputation has suffered irreparable damage. What do you think?
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Killing Wheelchair-Bound People With Missiles Is Justifiable If They're Terrorists vs. Killing Wheelchair-Bound People

Killing Wheelchair-Bound People With Missiles Is Justifiable If They're Terrorists

The global balance of power has changed dramatically in the last two decades. In the past, great armies and great industrial capabilities were needed to threaten strong nations. Now, shadowy networks of individuals can cause great suffering for the cost of a homemade explosive. To effectively counter this new threat, we must make use of every tool in our arsenal—military power, homeland defense, law enforcement, intelligence, and short-range helicopter-mounted missiles to pick off elderly, wheelchair-bound terrorists one at a time.

With terrorist threats expanding in every theater, those in power must employ proactive strategies of defense. Freedom-loving nations cannot deploy conventional troops against the diverse and unpredictable forces that threaten their citizens. Thus, it is fully understandable that when the Israeli army located Hamas founder Sheikh Ahmed Yassin outside of a mosque in March, they launched a missile at his wheelchair.

Our potential adversaries believe that, while their nation's survival is at stake in a regional conflict, ours isn't. As a consequence, they calculate that we can and will back down when confronted with dire threats, such as weapons of mass destruction, but that they will not. Therefore, people who fight a war on terror are at an inherent disadvantage, because the enemy is unafraid to die. In fact, many terrorists see martyrdom as a reward.

There are those who suggest that every terrorist killed equals three more terrorists created. But is this really true? Shouldn't we send the message that we will never bow to the threat of terrorism? We can do so by striking the enemy as hard, as brutally, and as dramatically as possible. If deemed necessary, we must outfit helicopters with missile launchers, find out where our enemy's wheelchair-bound former leaders worship, fly our missile-outfitted helicopters to those places of worship, and blow those leaders apart.

Mine will not be a popular opinion. In war, however, the word "popular" has little meaning and even less practical application. If governments, in the course of making war, can convince a splinter faction that they will bring all available force to bear on all avowed enemies at every possible opportunity, they gain a distinct advantage. Killing one enemy target with one missile is an acceptable practice, even—and in the case of terrorist enemies, especially—if that target is an old man in a wheelchair.

Killing Wheelchair-Bound People With Missiles Is Awesome

I heard about the Israeli rocket attack on that old handicapped Hamas guy, and I'm sure a lot of people had the same reaction I did: Whatever reason the army had for doing it, blowing up a guy in a wheelchair with a missile is unbelievably, absolutely fucking awesome!

Now, let me say this: I realize the guy was one of their big rebel leaders over there, or something, and I guess he called for the deaths of tons of innocent people and so on, and that was the excuse they needed to take the old guy out. But that's not the point. The point is they totally fucking launched a missile at the guy's wheelchair from a helicopter! That's some grade-A Bam Margera video-game shit, and I for one am fucking stoked that they did it. I don't know how much that one missile cost, but it was utterly and completely worth it to know that some coot on wheels got rocket-launched into the middle of next year.

This sort of thing needs to happen more often. The U.S. military would be a lot more popular if they concentrated on pulling off cool-ass shit like this. And it doesn't have to be just wars, right? I mean, we have a lot, I mean a lot, of folks in wheelchairs all over the world. And sure, most of them are probably all-right guys. But people are people, so there's gotta be a whole lot of wheelchair-bound people that are total shits, too. I bet there are guys in wheelchairs who beat their women, or maybe they got that way by drunk driving, or maybe they wheel around all day trying to diddle little kids. Face it, if someone's trying to do that shit, it's okay to fuck them up as much as possible. Blowing their asses up with a missile would be pretty much perfect.

I like the part about getting them while they're leaving church, too. It's when they'd least be expecting it, being all contemplative and shit, and suddenly they're like, "Hey, do you hear a helicopter? Guys? Guys?" Then it's just pshoooo—wham! Blood and spokes everywhere!

God, that's cool just to think about. I guess it's probably pretty rare, too. Even if it doesn't become standard procedure, it's awesome that it happened once.

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