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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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Life Begins At Conception vs. Life Begins At 40!

Life Begins At Conception

Life begins at the moment of conception. To say otherwise is not only to deny the word of God, but to defy science. An abortion takes the life of a living person, whether the procedure occurs in the first week of pregnancy or the last.

Some say abortion merely destroys the "potential" for life. Yet there is no point during the entire nine-month gestation period when the developing fetus is fundamentally different from the child that is ultimately born. A child in the embryonic stage may not have the physical appearance of a newborn baby, but the genetic material that will determine that child's sex, hair color and eye color is present from the time he or she is what a pro-abortion advocate would rather you look at as "a mass of undifferentiated cells."

Medical research shows that a baby's heart begins beating by Day 25, and electroencephalographic evidence demonstrates that a baby's brain is already functioning by the end of the sixth week. Still, neither of these checkpoints in early fetal development acceptably mark the beginning of life, for they are just points along a continuum of development--a continuum that starts the moment the egg is fertilized.

So how can the government dictate at what point an abortion can be performed? How can anyone say that at 24 weeks and 6 days, a child is not a viable human being, but at 25 weeks it is? The answer is simple: It's a human being from the start!

An unborn child is not part of a woman's body. It is a separate being, albeit one that depends on his or her mother for protection. Is there anyone who would argue that a mother cannot be held accountable for the life and death of an infant in her care? By the same token, a mother should be held responsible for the life of a child from the point of conception--the point at which life begins.

Life Begins At 40!

I'm sorry, but I must strongly disagree with Ms. Brewster. Life begins at 40!

For anyone out there about to turn the big four-oh and dreading it, let me assure you: I myself just hit the milestone earlier this year and, like a bottle of fine wine, I'm only getting better with age. As far as I'm concerned, 40 is when life really begins!

The truth is, you're only as old as you feel. And I've never felt better. Sure, gravity may be starting to kick in here and there, and the boobs may be a bit lower than back when I was in college, but I can still turn heads when I want to. And besides, I more than make up for it in wisdom and life experience! Oh, the things I know now that I didn't when I was younger! And more importantly, I know what I want, and I'm not afraid to get it.

And heck, I'm in some pretty good company. Among the beautiful ladies to turn 40 recently are Madonna, Sharon Stone, Jamie Lee Curtis and Michelle Pfeiffer. Now, I don't know about you, but I don't think any of these fabulously sexy women are retiring to the old folks' home, sitting in a rocking chair and knitting. Don't turn in your cards at middle age... The game has just begun to get interesting!

Okay, so I'm no spring chicken anymore. But I'm certainly no old hen, either! There's nothing holding me back from enjoying the best years of my life. I've paid my dues, and now it's time to sit back and enjoy the benefits. The mortgage is paid off, and within the next five years, the kids will have all moved out. For the first time in years, I'm free! My husband Chuck and I have the resources to float down the river of life with smiles on our faces.

As far as I'm concerned, it's only halftime, and as you know, the final two quarters of the game are always the most exciting!

So if you're nearing 40 and not looking forward to it, hear me out: A woman over 40 can do anything a younger woman can, only better! The way I see it, I'm twice as smart as I was when I was 20... and I've got a much higher credit limit! I am 40, hear me roar!

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