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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

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PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Maple Syrup Is An Excellent Way To Enhance The Flavor Of Pancakes And Waffles vs. I Thought We Were Going To Talk About The Proliferation Of Nuclear Weapons

Maple Syrup Is An Excellent Way To Enhance The Flavor Of Pancakes And Waffles

If there's one thing that almost anyone can agree on, it's that a good, thick maple syrup makes a great addition to any pancake or waffle breakfast.

The experience of poking holes in a steaming hot pancake with your fork and watching the syrup sink slowly in and soak the inner layer is very enjoyable—not to mention how great it tastes.

Another thing I love about maple syrup is the way it fills up the little square receptacles in a waffle and then overflows onto the plate as you keep pouring. Just thinking about it makes me want to go get some waffles and syrup and enjoy them right now.

The combination of syrup and melting butter is delicious as well.

To be sure, maple syrup isn't the only way to add flavor to waffles or pancakes. Have you ever tried them with whipped cream and fruit? Or how about some nice cinnamon and powdered sugar? Those are clearly also delicious. But at the end of the day, maple syrup really is the best of all.

In conclusion, maple syrup, when combined with the flavor and texture of waffles and pancakes, is a real winner, hands down, every time.

Let's hear it for good old maple syrup!

I Thought We Were Going To Talk About The Proliferation Of Nuclear Weapons

Um…wow.

I'll be honest, I'm not really sure how to proceed here. See, I was led to believe we'd be talking about the proliferation of nuclear weapons? In an uncertain age? Frankly, all of the notes and research I prepared pretty much dealt exclusively with that topic, so this whole syrup thing is a little...confusing.

Okay, well, I guess I'll just say that nuclear proliferation in this age of terrorism is a problem we all share. The changing face of warfare has forever altered how we approach diplomatic relations, and it raises urgent questions about the relationship between man and technology. So, yeah. There's that.

Maple syrup, huh? Gosh. Okay.

Let's see. Um, furthermore, the emergence of rogue states only complicates the issue more, as the possibility of a less-developed and more politically radicalized enemy procuring a nuclear arsenal poses a very serious threat to….

Who did you talk to at the paper, by the way? Was it Karen? Because I definitely got an e-mail from her saying we'd be writing about nuclear weapons proliferation. I am almost completely sure that was the topic she mentioned.

This is the first I've heard of anything about waffles or breakfast or anything like that.

I suppose I could try to take a devil's advocate position and debate your thesis, but I'm not really sure there's even an argument here. I mean, clearly, waffles and maple syrup are a classic combination. Just for the sake of this exercise, I could perhaps point out that maple syrup can be a bit sticky, and that's a minor disadvantage, especially when it drips into one's beard. But that would really just be argument for argument's sake. The fact is, I happen to like waffles and syrup as much as the next guy, so trying to debate you seems kind of pointless.

Anyway, in conclusion, nuclear proliferation is a major threat that has placed all our previously held beliefs about military strategy in doubt, and also, in addition, pancakes and waffles are delicious with maple syrup. I don't know. As I said, I can't argue with you on that, so….

I guess you win this one.

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