How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

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How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

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Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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My Sister Actually Went To School With Ryan Reynolds' Brother vs. Cool, I Like You More As A Person Now

My Sister Actually Went To School With Ryan Reynolds' Brother

You know, it's funny that you mention Ryan Reynolds, because my sister actually went to the same college as Ryan Reynolds' brother. Yeah, my sister Stephanie. You've met her. Remember, at the barbecue over at Josh's place last summer, when she and her husband were in town for the Fourth of July? Yeah. Anyway, she went to school with Ryan Reynolds' brother.

I mean, she didn't know him all that well. The brother. His name is Greg. Yeah, Greg Reynolds. But she knew him because they had the same Astronomy 101 class. Yeah, astronomy. I know, right? You wouldn't think she would be into astronomy at all, the way she partied! But I guess they had to take something for the science requirement, and astronomy had the least math, so a lot of people ended up taking that one.

Interesting thing is, when she met him, she didn't even know he was related to Ryan Reynolds at all. She just thought of him as this guy Greg. It was like halfway through the semester and she was talking to her roommate, Kendra or something? Kirsten? I can't even remember her roommate's name anymore, but apparently, she explained to my sister that she had seen this guy Greg at a keg party in her dorm, and Ryan Reynolds was there! Yeah, I guess he was visiting his brother for the weekend or something. She said he was totally cool.

Yeah, and after the keg party was out, apparently he went out with them all to the bar and bought everybody a round on him. From what my sister said, apparently he was totally down to earth, didn't act like a big deal or anything, just a regular guy. I think this was after he was with Alanis Morissette, because apparently he had some girlfriend there with him, visiting, but it wasn't Alanis Morissette.

But yeah, anyway. Ryan Reynolds' brother. Pretty crazy.

Cool, I Like You More As A Person Now

Really, your sister went to college with Ryan Reynolds' brother? That is amazing. I like you so much more as a human being now that you've explained that to me. Your social standing, in my eyes, has just skyrocketed due to your tertiary association with this famous person, whose name I recognize, and whom I've seen in movies.

I'm not sure if this was your intention when you related that anecdote to me, but I am much, much more interested in talking to you now that Ryan Reynolds has entered the equation. Pardon me for a moment while I sit back and try to take this new information in, and fully recognize just how much it changes everything between us.

I want to hear more about you now. I am more interested in you, and in being your friend, after having heard about the connection between you and Ryan Reynolds. He is a person in celebrity culture magazines. But this is no magazine: This is real life. And that's precisely what makes it so astounding. You, through your sister, are associated, albeit distantly, with Ryan Reynolds, and therefore, I want to be associated with you. Can we hang out more often now? Maybe, somehow, your social link with Ryan Reynolds will be transferred to me, and I will then be that much closer to the magical world of celebrity and fame, through knowing you.

You see, not everybody has a social link to a famous person. And famous people are special because they are famous and more important than regular people. Thus, the fact that you have a sister who went to school with Ryan Reynolds' brother, and the fact that Ryan Reynolds is a movie star, means that you yourself are more important and interesting as a person, and that I am too, by virtue of the fact that I know you.

Moreover, your relating to me a salient detail concerning Ryan Reynold's romantic history impresses me greatly, as it further illustrates the fact that you have a higher level of access to the life of movie star Ryan Reynolds than the average person does.

I am going to tell all of my friends and acquaintances about this, and they will all be envious and want to know more. Not just about Ryan Reynolds, but about you, and how I know you, and how well I know you. Then they will tell their friends and they will all be envious too, and they will respect me more as a person because I know you, just as I respect you more because you have a sister who went to the same college as Greg Reynolds, brother of Ryan Reynolds.

Then they will want to know more about me, and so on.

Thank God you told me this. Otherwise, I would never have known I should like you more. I feel so much better about myself by knowing you. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, sincerely—thank you.

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