Oooh, Mr. Smarty-Smart Is Talking! vs. I Was Told I Would Be Debating Former National Security Advisor Brent Scowcro

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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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Oooh, Mr. Smarty-Smart Is Talking! vs. I Was Told I Would Be Debating Former National Security Advisor Brent Scowcro

Oooh, Mr. Smarty-Smart Is Talking!

Oooh, look at Mr. Smarty-Smart, talking about all the big, important things he knows. Look at me! I'm sooo smart. I'm smarter than everybody else in the whole world put together.

I know everything. I'm wearing shiny shoes and a big, fancy tie. Look at my expensive suit. I bought it at the big, important suit store. Too bad that suit makes you look ugly. You're uglier than the ugliest person ever born.

You think you're smart because you're behind a podium, don't you? Well, look at me, I have a podium, too. Everyone look at me. Don't look at him, look at me. I'm waving my hands and doing a dance. My dance is called the 'Mr. Martin McKinnon Of The Hastings Center For Foreign Policy Analysis Is A Big, Fat Stupid-Head' dance.

Martin McKinnon is a big, fat stupid-head and, besides that, he's gay. If you weren't gay, why would you be wearing a red tie? Red is the color gay people wear... and little babies.

Are you going to cry now, like a little baby? You look like you're going to. Do you want a hankie? Boo, hoo, hoo! Waaa, waaa, waaa! I'm Martin McKinnon, and I'm a big baby who likes to cry and suck on his widdle boddle woddle. Do you want me to call your mommy?

Ring, ring, ring! Hello? Mrs. McKinnon? Martin needs a nap, 'cause he's a big baby.

Uh, oh! Somebody's losing his temper! Didn't you have your nap today? Somebody's getting all mad and losing the big, important debate. Oh, no!

What's that smell? Is that you, Mr. McKinnon? I smell something. Did you fart? Ewww, gross! The director of the Hastings Center For Foreign Policy Analysis farted! Put on your gas masks, everybody! Martin cut the cheese!

I Was Told I Would Be Debating Former National Security Advisor Brent Scowcroft

I'm sorry, but I don't understand what's going on here. I was expressly told that I would be debating former Bush Administration National Security Advisor Brent Scowcroft.

I prepared extensively for this debate with the esteemed Mr. Scowcroft, and have a great many questions I would have liked to have posed to him regarding Chinese nuclear espionage. You see, it is my strong belief that Defense Department policies during the last two years of the Bush Administration had a great hand in... It is my turn to talk, is it not?

Where was I? Well, let me start by pointing out that throughout the mid- to late 1980s, U.S. nuclear technology was freely given to the Chinese during satellite launches in... Why are you still doing that? Please stop that right now.

Contrary what certain immature detractors would have you believe, I am here for a purpose: to discuss the various ways in which this nation's nuclear integrity was compromised and breached in the final years of the Cold War through a concerted program of carelessness and neglect. In fact, in 1990, Brent Scowcroft, working closely with Dick Cheney... Where is Mr. Scowcroft? Why was I not informed of his absence before my appearance?

I've had quite enough of this. Stop it right now. I'm not going to say another word until you stop mocking me. Stop repeating everything I say. I have been praised by no less than Henry Kissinger as one of America's leading experts on geopolitical nuclear strategy. Now, stop it!

What is wrong with you? Do you have mental problems? Mediator! Where is the mediator? I'm trying to discuss matters of national import, and my opponent is jumping up and down on one foot and screaming. Shut up! Stop laughing! Stop!

Fine, don't then. I'm putting my fingers in my ears. I can't hear you any longer. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb... I can't hear one word you're saying. You don't exist. I'm shutting my eyes. You're invisible. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb...

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