Oooh, Mr. Smarty-Smart Is Talking! vs. I Was Told I Would Be Debating Former National Security Advisor Brent Scowcro

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Vol 35 Issue 18

Clinton Hurls Feces At Detractors

WASHINGTON, DC—Angered by criticism of his military strategy in Kosovo, President Clinton flung clods of his own excrement at White House reporters Monday. "I am the alpha male!" Clinton shouted to Sam Donaldson of ABC News. "None shall usurp my dominance of the social hierarchy!" The outburst was the first of its kind since Clinton's March 19 urination on Chinese Premier Zhu Rongji at a Beijing arms summit.

Roof Of Mouth In Serious Condition Following Cap'n Crunch Consumption

SPRINGFIELD, MA—The roof of area resident Meredith Kjell's mouth is in serious condition Tuesday following her consumption of three bowls of Cap'n Crunch cereal. "We believe most of the roof can be salvaged," Dr. David Kim told reporters. "But grafts may be necessary to replace many of the ribbons of flesh gouged from Miss Kjell's palate by this brutally crunchy pre-sweetened breakfast food."

Crazed Loiterer Strikes Again

DOVER, DE—Crazed fugitive loiterer Bob Puhl continued his six-month around-standing spree Tuesday, loitering in the Dover Public Library for more than three hours before escaping. "This is a man who is intent on loitering as much as possible, with no regard for society or the laws that govern it," Dover police chief James Fry said. "But mark my words, we will find him. And he will have plenty of time to stand around and do nothing where he's going." Delaware has already spent $600,000 on efforts to catch the immobile offender, as well as on counseling for victims of his unrepentant standing.

Hot Girl Mentions Boyfriend Three Hours Into Conversation

PORTLAND, OR—After a stimulating three-hour conversation about personal philosophies, career aspirations and their shared passion for Thai food, tennis and Billy Joel, Portland State junior Bryan Holtzman was caught off guard by sophomore Jenny Lowe's off-handed mention of her boyfriend of three years. "Well, that's just fuckin' great," Holtzman said after the conversation. "I dropped every hint in the book. You'd think she'd have picked up on it. I even asked her about her bracelet: Gift from her father, she says. Smooth sailing, I figure. Shit."

Area Man Can't Remember Whether He Rented Mimic Or The Relic

PETOSKEY, MI—Less than five hours after viewing one film or the other, area resident Chris Olle was unable to recall whether he rented Mimic or The Relic Monday night. "It's the one where they're underground, and everything's dripping, and the thing is trying to get them," Olle said of the unspecifically recalled film. "You know, the one with the tunnels. With the blonde? They're running with flashlights, trying to get away from the huge monster. They're either under this museum or under New York. I'm not sure."

Report: U.S. Children Lead World In Hand-Mouth Coordination

UNITED NATIONS—A U.N. study released Monday reported that U.S. children rank first in the world in hand-mouth coordination. "American children can move items from their hands into their mouths faster, better and more efficiently than anyone," the report read. "The children of no other nation can claim such hand-mouth prowess." The four-year study of the physical abilities of children in 157 countries also found that U.S. children finish an Oscar Mayer Lunchables Fun Pack in just under two minutes, nearly twice as fast as the world average.

Standish's Revelation

Back safe and secure in my estate, I was anxious to be reunited with my seven sons, U. Fairfax, V. Lucius, J. Phineas, R. Buckminster, G. Talmadge, M. Prescott and D. Manfred. As I wandered about the wild frontier with my man-servant Standish, I grew to miss them greatly, even D. Manfred, the bastard off-spring of the late Mrs. Zweibel and the coal-hauler. After all, they are my children and heirs, and must have suffered from the theft of my fortune as much as I.

Tha Autobiography Of Herbert K

What tha dilly yo, mah homies? Tha H-Dog be keepin' it real at Midstate Office Supply, still kickin' it hardcore as tha Mack Daddy Enforca of tha Accountz Reeceevable Department. Jus' got my annual evaluation, and shit if I ain't tha baddest stone-cold supastar in tha whole third-floor administrative office. Tha comptrolla, Gerald Luckenbill, not only be approvin' me for a raise, he gonna nominate my ass for Employee Of Tha Month for April, 'cause I not only balanced tha shit out of tha Midstate ledga this month; my department led tha whole goddamn company in tha numba of cans collected foe tha muthafuckin' 1999 Kiwanis Club Food Drive. Tha future be looking SUH-WEET for tha H-Dog, Gs.
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  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Oooh, Mr. Smarty-Smart Is Talking! vs. I Was Told I Would Be Debating Former National Security Advisor Brent Scowcro

Oooh, Mr. Smarty-Smart Is Talking!

Oooh, look at Mr. Smarty-Smart, talking about all the big, important things he knows. Look at me! I'm sooo smart. I'm smarter than everybody else in the whole world put together.

I know everything. I'm wearing shiny shoes and a big, fancy tie. Look at my expensive suit. I bought it at the big, important suit store. Too bad that suit makes you look ugly. You're uglier than the ugliest person ever born.

You think you're smart because you're behind a podium, don't you? Well, look at me, I have a podium, too. Everyone look at me. Don't look at him, look at me. I'm waving my hands and doing a dance. My dance is called the 'Mr. Martin McKinnon Of The Hastings Center For Foreign Policy Analysis Is A Big, Fat Stupid-Head' dance.

Martin McKinnon is a big, fat stupid-head and, besides that, he's gay. If you weren't gay, why would you be wearing a red tie? Red is the color gay people wear... and little babies.

Are you going to cry now, like a little baby? You look like you're going to. Do you want a hankie? Boo, hoo, hoo! Waaa, waaa, waaa! I'm Martin McKinnon, and I'm a big baby who likes to cry and suck on his widdle boddle woddle. Do you want me to call your mommy?

Ring, ring, ring! Hello? Mrs. McKinnon? Martin needs a nap, 'cause he's a big baby.

Uh, oh! Somebody's losing his temper! Didn't you have your nap today? Somebody's getting all mad and losing the big, important debate. Oh, no!

What's that smell? Is that you, Mr. McKinnon? I smell something. Did you fart? Ewww, gross! The director of the Hastings Center For Foreign Policy Analysis farted! Put on your gas masks, everybody! Martin cut the cheese!

I Was Told I Would Be Debating Former National Security Advisor Brent Scowcroft

I'm sorry, but I don't understand what's going on here. I was expressly told that I would be debating former Bush Administration National Security Advisor Brent Scowcroft.

I prepared extensively for this debate with the esteemed Mr. Scowcroft, and have a great many questions I would have liked to have posed to him regarding Chinese nuclear espionage. You see, it is my strong belief that Defense Department policies during the last two years of the Bush Administration had a great hand in... It is my turn to talk, is it not?

Where was I? Well, let me start by pointing out that throughout the mid- to late 1980s, U.S. nuclear technology was freely given to the Chinese during satellite launches in... Why are you still doing that? Please stop that right now.

Contrary what certain immature detractors would have you believe, I am here for a purpose: to discuss the various ways in which this nation's nuclear integrity was compromised and breached in the final years of the Cold War through a concerted program of carelessness and neglect. In fact, in 1990, Brent Scowcroft, working closely with Dick Cheney... Where is Mr. Scowcroft? Why was I not informed of his absence before my appearance?

I've had quite enough of this. Stop it right now. I'm not going to say another word until you stop mocking me. Stop repeating everything I say. I have been praised by no less than Henry Kissinger as one of America's leading experts on geopolitical nuclear strategy. Now, stop it!

What is wrong with you? Do you have mental problems? Mediator! Where is the mediator? I'm trying to discuss matters of national import, and my opponent is jumping up and down on one foot and screaming. Shut up! Stop laughing! Stop!

Fine, don't then. I'm putting my fingers in my ears. I can't hear you any longer. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb... I can't hear one word you're saying. You don't exist. I'm shutting my eyes. You're invisible. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb...

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