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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.
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Oooh, Mr. Smarty-Smart Is Talking! vs. I Was Told I Would Be Debating Former National Security Advisor Brent Scowcro

Oooh, Mr. Smarty-Smart Is Talking!

Oooh, look at Mr. Smarty-Smart, talking about all the big, important things he knows. Look at me! I'm sooo smart. I'm smarter than everybody else in the whole world put together.

I know everything. I'm wearing shiny shoes and a big, fancy tie. Look at my expensive suit. I bought it at the big, important suit store. Too bad that suit makes you look ugly. You're uglier than the ugliest person ever born.

You think you're smart because you're behind a podium, don't you? Well, look at me, I have a podium, too. Everyone look at me. Don't look at him, look at me. I'm waving my hands and doing a dance. My dance is called the 'Mr. Martin McKinnon Of The Hastings Center For Foreign Policy Analysis Is A Big, Fat Stupid-Head' dance.

Martin McKinnon is a big, fat stupid-head and, besides that, he's gay. If you weren't gay, why would you be wearing a red tie? Red is the color gay people wear... and little babies.

Are you going to cry now, like a little baby? You look like you're going to. Do you want a hankie? Boo, hoo, hoo! Waaa, waaa, waaa! I'm Martin McKinnon, and I'm a big baby who likes to cry and suck on his widdle boddle woddle. Do you want me to call your mommy?

Ring, ring, ring! Hello? Mrs. McKinnon? Martin needs a nap, 'cause he's a big baby.

Uh, oh! Somebody's losing his temper! Didn't you have your nap today? Somebody's getting all mad and losing the big, important debate. Oh, no!

What's that smell? Is that you, Mr. McKinnon? I smell something. Did you fart? Ewww, gross! The director of the Hastings Center For Foreign Policy Analysis farted! Put on your gas masks, everybody! Martin cut the cheese!

I Was Told I Would Be Debating Former National Security Advisor Brent Scowcroft

I'm sorry, but I don't understand what's going on here. I was expressly told that I would be debating former Bush Administration National Security Advisor Brent Scowcroft.

I prepared extensively for this debate with the esteemed Mr. Scowcroft, and have a great many questions I would have liked to have posed to him regarding Chinese nuclear espionage. You see, it is my strong belief that Defense Department policies during the last two years of the Bush Administration had a great hand in... It is my turn to talk, is it not?

Where was I? Well, let me start by pointing out that throughout the mid- to late 1980s, U.S. nuclear technology was freely given to the Chinese during satellite launches in... Why are you still doing that? Please stop that right now.

Contrary what certain immature detractors would have you believe, I am here for a purpose: to discuss the various ways in which this nation's nuclear integrity was compromised and breached in the final years of the Cold War through a concerted program of carelessness and neglect. In fact, in 1990, Brent Scowcroft, working closely with Dick Cheney... Where is Mr. Scowcroft? Why was I not informed of his absence before my appearance?

I've had quite enough of this. Stop it right now. I'm not going to say another word until you stop mocking me. Stop repeating everything I say. I have been praised by no less than Henry Kissinger as one of America's leading experts on geopolitical nuclear strategy. Now, stop it!

What is wrong with you? Do you have mental problems? Mediator! Where is the mediator? I'm trying to discuss matters of national import, and my opponent is jumping up and down on one foot and screaming. Shut up! Stop laughing! Stop!

Fine, don't then. I'm putting my fingers in my ears. I can't hear you any longer. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb... I can't hear one word you're saying. You don't exist. I'm shutting my eyes. You're invisible. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb...

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