Oooh, Mr. Smarty-Smart Is Talking! vs. I Was Told I Would Be Debating Former National Security Advisor Brent Scowcro

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What’s Next For U.S.-Cuban Relations

After 54 years of closure, the U.S. embassy in Havana and the Cuban embassy in Washington, D.C. each began flying their flags once more this week, a symbol of the restored diplomatic ties between the two nations. Here is what we can expect from the relationship going forward

U.S. Soothes Upset Netanyahu With Shipment Of Ballistic Missiles

WASHINGTON—Following Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s heated objections to the nuclear deal struck between the United States and Iran, American officials announced Tuesday that they were calming the upset head of government by treating him to a nice, big shipment of ballistic missiles.

World Begins Another Day At Mercy Of 19-Year-Old Estonian Hacker

TALLINN, ESTONIA—With the private data of national governments and entire global industries at his fingertips, sources confirmed this morning that yet another day had begun with the whole world helplessly at the mercy of 19-year-old Estonian computer hacker Jüri Pevkur.

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Items Found In Bin Laden’s Compound

On Wednesday, the U.S. government declassified more than 400 documents and other material seized from Osama bin Laden’s Pakistan hideout during the 2011 raid that resulted in his death. Here are some of the items found in the former al-Qaeda leader’s compound

U.S. Worried About Living Up To Netanyahu Campaign Promises

WASHINGTON—Saying the Likud Party leader had set Israeli citizens’ expectations extremely high in the run up to his reelection Tuesday, top-level sources expressed their worry Wednesday about whether the United States would actually be able to...

A Timeline Of U.S.-Israel Relations

A congressional visit from Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu that has reportedly rankled President Obama is the latest issue in what have often been strained diplomatic ties between the two countries.

Mankind Tired Of Having To Remind Itself Of Good In World

PARIS—In the wake of this week’s terrorist attacks on French newspaper Charlie Hebdo and two ensuing armed standoffs that together left over a dozen innocent civilians dead, humankind admitted Friday that it is sick and tired of having ...

Schlubs From U.S., China Meet In Lowest-Level Talks

BRISBANE, AUSTRALIA—In an effort to strengthen diplomatic ties between the global superpowers’ most oafish representatives, sources confirmed Thursday that schlubs from the United States and China met in Australia this week for a series of low...

Iranian Team Openly Working On Bomb In Negotiating Room

VIENNA—Asserting the Middle Eastern nation’s right to a safe, peaceful energy program, members of the Iranian diplomatic team attempted to seek more favorable terms of a deal with the P5+1 global powers while openly assembling a nuclear weapon...

Where Is Kim Jong-Un?

North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un has not been seen in public since September 3. Here is the latest speculation on his whereabouts

How China Stifles Dissent

Recent clashes with pro-democracy protesters in Hong Kong have refocused international scrutiny on the Chinese government’s efforts to quell social unrest and silence demonstrators.

Nation Admits It Could Probably Be Talked Into Another War

WASHINGTON—While they acknowledged that getting behind such a plan might take a little convincing, the American populace admitted this week that they could, in all likelihood, be talked into another war. Citizens across the nation told reporters tha...

Ugly Custody Battle Over Ian McKellen Narrowly Avoided

EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Following Scotland’s referendum Thursday rejecting independence from the United Kingdom, sources confirmed that a protracted and ugly custody battle over celebrated actor Sir Ian McKellen had been narrowly avoided.

Tips For Achieving Peace In The Middle East

With the Israeli-Palestinian conflict escalating, sectarian violence boiling over in Iraq, and Syria mired in a civil war that’s now more than three years old, the Middle East continues to be plagued by bloodshed and unrest.

Experts: Ebola Vaccine At Least 50 White People Away

CONAKRY, GUINEA—With the death toll in West Africa continuing to rise amid a new outbreak of the Ebola virus, leading medical experts announced Wednesday that a vaccine for the deadly disease is still at least 50 white people from being developed.

Who Is Vladimir Putin?

After troops from his country forcibly seized Crimea earlier this year, Russian president Vladimir Putin is back in the news for allegedly arming separatists in eastern Ukraine with the missiles that are believed to have taken down Malaysia Airlines Fl...

Understanding The Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

Tensions have quickly escalated in Gaza following the recent collapse of peace talks and the subsequent kidnappings and murders of Israeli and Palestinian teens, with Israeli citizens now threatened by daily rocket fire from Hamas while Gaza residents ...

What Is ISIS?

The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, a formerly al-Qaeda–aligned organization known by the acronym ISIS, has been seizing cities in Iraq, carrying out mass killings, and marching toward Baghdad.

Understanding The Situation In Iraq

Violence has escalated in Iraq in recent weeks as the Sunni Islamist militant group ISIS has seized control of numerous cities and continued its advance toward the capital, Baghdad.

Immigrant Also Applying To A Few Reach Countries

LUANG PRABANG, LAOS—Noting that his consular officer said it couldn’t hurt to take a chance on a few long shots, prospective immigrant Soukan Chitmany told reporters Monday that, in addition to applying for permanent residence in a number of m...
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Oooh, Mr. Smarty-Smart Is Talking! vs. I Was Told I Would Be Debating Former National Security Advisor Brent Scowcro

Oooh, Mr. Smarty-Smart Is Talking!

Oooh, look at Mr. Smarty-Smart, talking about all the big, important things he knows. Look at me! I'm sooo smart. I'm smarter than everybody else in the whole world put together.

I know everything. I'm wearing shiny shoes and a big, fancy tie. Look at my expensive suit. I bought it at the big, important suit store. Too bad that suit makes you look ugly. You're uglier than the ugliest person ever born.

You think you're smart because you're behind a podium, don't you? Well, look at me, I have a podium, too. Everyone look at me. Don't look at him, look at me. I'm waving my hands and doing a dance. My dance is called the 'Mr. Martin McKinnon Of The Hastings Center For Foreign Policy Analysis Is A Big, Fat Stupid-Head' dance.

Martin McKinnon is a big, fat stupid-head and, besides that, he's gay. If you weren't gay, why would you be wearing a red tie? Red is the color gay people wear... and little babies.

Are you going to cry now, like a little baby? You look like you're going to. Do you want a hankie? Boo, hoo, hoo! Waaa, waaa, waaa! I'm Martin McKinnon, and I'm a big baby who likes to cry and suck on his widdle boddle woddle. Do you want me to call your mommy?

Ring, ring, ring! Hello? Mrs. McKinnon? Martin needs a nap, 'cause he's a big baby.

Uh, oh! Somebody's losing his temper! Didn't you have your nap today? Somebody's getting all mad and losing the big, important debate. Oh, no!

What's that smell? Is that you, Mr. McKinnon? I smell something. Did you fart? Ewww, gross! The director of the Hastings Center For Foreign Policy Analysis farted! Put on your gas masks, everybody! Martin cut the cheese!

I Was Told I Would Be Debating Former National Security Advisor Brent Scowcroft

I'm sorry, but I don't understand what's going on here. I was expressly told that I would be debating former Bush Administration National Security Advisor Brent Scowcroft.

I prepared extensively for this debate with the esteemed Mr. Scowcroft, and have a great many questions I would have liked to have posed to him regarding Chinese nuclear espionage. You see, it is my strong belief that Defense Department policies during the last two years of the Bush Administration had a great hand in... It is my turn to talk, is it not?

Where was I? Well, let me start by pointing out that throughout the mid- to late 1980s, U.S. nuclear technology was freely given to the Chinese during satellite launches in... Why are you still doing that? Please stop that right now.

Contrary what certain immature detractors would have you believe, I am here for a purpose: to discuss the various ways in which this nation's nuclear integrity was compromised and breached in the final years of the Cold War through a concerted program of carelessness and neglect. In fact, in 1990, Brent Scowcroft, working closely with Dick Cheney... Where is Mr. Scowcroft? Why was I not informed of his absence before my appearance?

I've had quite enough of this. Stop it right now. I'm not going to say another word until you stop mocking me. Stop repeating everything I say. I have been praised by no less than Henry Kissinger as one of America's leading experts on geopolitical nuclear strategy. Now, stop it!

What is wrong with you? Do you have mental problems? Mediator! Where is the mediator? I'm trying to discuss matters of national import, and my opponent is jumping up and down on one foot and screaming. Shut up! Stop laughing! Stop!

Fine, don't then. I'm putting my fingers in my ears. I can't hear you any longer. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb... I can't hear one word you're saying. You don't exist. I'm shutting my eyes. You're invisible. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb...