Pete's An Asshole vs. Aw, C'mon, Pete's An All-Right Guy

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Vol 39 Issue 42

Pope John Paul II: 25 Years Of Laughs

VATICAN CITY—As Pope John Paul II enters his 26th year as pontiff, the world is stopping to reflect on the legendary funnyman's career as one of the most influential performers in modern history. Standing staunchly against contraception and women's equality right through the turn of the 21st century, the pope and his quirky, deadpan comic persona still entertain audiences around the world.

Nursing-Home Residents Mate In Captivity

COLBY, KS—Following six months of failed attempts under intense observation by geriatric scientists, Briarwood Nursing Home residents Horace Klass, 86, and Helen Veukmaan, 83, successfully mated in captivity Monday. "As with most new arrivals to Briarwood, Horace and Helen at first seemed despondent," Briarwood's Dr. William Stander said. "Before long, though, they grew accustomed to their new habitat, and Horace soon felt comfortable enough to approach Helen. Indeed, Horace ultimately proved quite aggressive." Briarwood employees report that, after mating, Klass provided Veukmaan with half a box of windmill cookies.

Area Man Wins Conversation

KING MILLS, OH—A friendly chat about the weather resulted in victory for Daniel Cooper Wednesday, as a brilliant and well-timed rebuttal from the 36-year-old pastry chef devastated his opponent. "Yeah, well, if this is the heaviest rain we've had in years, then I guess I hallucinated my basement flooding last July," Cooper said, deftly parrying his coworker Colin Garrison's challenge. "This rain is nothing." Wordlessly acknowledging Cooper's superiority, Garrison slinked back to the cooler, defeated.

Katie Couric Winces At Word 'Vagina'

NEW YORK—Today host Katie Couric noticeably winced at mention of the word "vagina" during an interview with National Ovarian Cancer Foundation spokeswoman Janette Pruce Monday. "I understand that it's important to raise awareness and promote early detection, which is why I was happy to have [Pruce] on the show," a flustered Couric said after the interview. "I just didn't expect her to come right out and say the 'V' word." An intern on the show said that Couric hadn't appeared that uncomfortable since walking in on one of the Dixie Chicks breastfeeding.

More Than $30 Worth Of Burned CDs Stolen From Residence

ALBUQUERQUE—Police are still not investigating a burglary at the Watson Avenue apartment of George Kinney, who reported the theft of more than 300 CDRs, with an estimated value of $32. "It looks like the bastard dropped down onto my back balcony from the neighbor's roof," Kinney said Monday. "Goddammit. I spent hours burning all those CDs." Kinney was the victim of a similar crime in June 2001, when someone broke into his YMCA locker and stole his Diet Pepsi Twist promotional duffel bag, which contained a copy of USA Today.

U.S. Upset After Aliens Land In Italy

WASHINGTON, DC—White House press secretary Scott McClellan issued a statement Monday expressing disappointment "on behalf of all Americans" that alien envoys from the planet Xygal 8B made their historic first landing in Italy, rather than in the U.S. "We are confused and saddened that the Xygalians chose to take their first steps on Tuscan soil," McClellan said. "We are hopeful that [Xygalian] Cmdr. Gorx will recognize the oversight and relocate to the U.S., which is better equipped to host an intergalactic traveler." McClellan added that the internationally televised handshake between Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi and Gorx "added insult to injury."

Lawyer Friend Makes Strong Case For Nachos

HARTFORD, CT—During a night out for dinner and drinks at Shooters Bar And Restaurant, probate attorney Michael Bradshaw built a strong case in re ordering nachos, Bradshaw's friends reported Tuesday.

I Would Treat The Girl From The Muffler Commercial Right

Oh my God, it's on again. There's the girl I've been telling you about—the one I always see on television. Quiet! This is my favorite part. Just look at her. Isn't she the most beautiful woman you've ever seen? Doesn't she have the nicest voice? I know this in my heart: If I had a chance, I would treat that girl from the muffler commercial right.

Ridiculous Small-Business Plan Encouraged By Friends

MISSOULA, MT—Due in large part to the encouragement of her so-called friends, 34-year-old Karen Sabin quit her steady job to make and sell homemade gourmet dog biscuits out of her home, the former hospital receptionist told reporters Monday.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Pete's An Asshole vs. Aw, C'mon, Pete's An All-Right Guy

Pete's An Asshole

Look, man, I know that he's your friend and all, and I guess you've known him for a long time, so I hope you don't get too pissed off at me about this, but I think your friend Pete is a total asshole. Seriously, why you even put up with that guy is beyond me.

Okay, maybe Pete has a good side that I haven't seen. I'm willing to give people the benefit of the doubt. After all, you're a nice guy, so you must have some reason for liking Pete. I remember you telling me that he was really there for you when you broke up with Teri. I'm sure you two have had some good times together. But still, you have to face the facts, man. Pete's an asshole. You're blind if you don't see that.

Take what he did last night, when I introduced him to Greg. Within 10 seconds of meeting him, Pete said, "Oh, so you're from Minnesota, huh? I should have known, based on your wife's hair." What the fuck was that? When I tried to tell Pete that he was out of line, he got all, "Why are you flipping out? It's just a joke!" He told me that I should loosen up and learn to relax, because it was a party and people were trying to have a good time. Mind you, this is a party that I was hosting in my own house. I didn't even invite Pete, incidentally. He just showed up and said he heard you were going to be there.

That doesn't come close to topping the list of the shit that Pete has pulled. The other day after work—remember? When Rob started talking about how he got acupuncture for his back? Pete was all, like, "Acupuncture's just a bunch of New Age hippie crap." When I tried to defend Rob, Pete started going off about how only idiots believe in that sort of "chinky-dinky mumbo jumbo." Yes, Jamie, he said that. Please don't start in with that whole line about Pete's politically incorrect sense of humor, and how Pete "likes to challenge knee-jerk liberals." And I really don't care what Pete meant to say. Rob's got a 14-year-old adopted sister from Korea, and he didn't appreciate that comment.

You always say the same thing: Oh, Pete's an all-right guy. He's just got a really sarcastic sense of humor. People don't understand him. Well, I don't care what you call it. Everybody I know who has ever dealt with Pete agrees that he's a grade-A, #1 prick.

I've tried to get along with Pete, because I know that you two go way back. Normally, I'd just be like, "Any friend of Jamie's is a friend of mine." But what can I say? None of my friends can stand him. I'm sick of trying to defend his behavior.

The last thing I want is for this to cause friction between you and me. I've always thought that you were a great guy. But I really had to lay it out about your pal Pete. Enough is e-fucking-nough.

Aw, C'mon, Pete's An All-Right Guy

Look, you don't have to tell me how difficult Pete can be. I was his roommate in college. He drives me crazy, too, sometimes. But he's not all bad. Sure, he can be a little gruff, and he's not very patient, and he sometimes is a little insulting, and he's a little bit cocky and loud. I'll admit that, when he's drinking, he can be kind of a jerk, but c'mon. At the end of the day, Pete's an all-right guy! You just gotta get to know him better.

Pete's really insecure, so he overcompensates in social situations where he doesn't fit in. Full of himself? No way, man. He just has low self-esteem. That's why he's always making fun of people: He's trying to conceal the fact that he's unsure of himself. Pete doesn't have that many friends, because he puts up walls to protect his fragile inner personality. It's a defense mechanism.

In fact, you and Pete are a lot alike. He's sensitive, like you. The only difference between you two is that, when his ego's bruised, he acts cocky and overbearing. Admittedly, that makes him come off like a bit of a jackass, but...

I'll admit he has a really low tolerance for what he considers "PC bullshit." As a result, he's a little abrasive. Don't get me wrong: I know. When I think about some of the awkward situations he's put me in, I sometimes want to punch his lights out.

Once, me and my old girlfriend Shelley went to hang out at Pete's place. I was worried that she wouldn't like him, so I even warned her about his sense of humor beforehand. For the first hour or so, everything was cool. But after Pete had a few drinks, he started joking about this "sexual harassment in the workplace" seminar he had to attend. I was making these faces, like, "Dude! Shut up!" Then, I mentioned that Shelley was volunteering for the local sexual-harassment prevention center. That just added fuel to the fire. Pete started going off on what a joke those things were, and how all the women in them were just looking for a reason to get together and bitch about men. He offended Shelley to the very core, and I'm...

What was the point of this story again? Oh, yeah, to show that I've had to put up with tons of Pete's crap, but I can still laugh about it. Well, maybe that wasn't a good example, because Shelley stormed out of Pete's place and said she never wanted to see him again. That night, she and I got into a big argument about my ex-girlfriend and my views of women, and—shit, man. I forgot that Pete started that all. Damn!

Okay, okay. Bad example. Really, Pete's an okay guy. Take the time he pissed off my pal Jake. Jake's super-cool. You'd like him. I mean, actually like him. He's not like Pete at all. Anyway, I invited Pete to Jake's birthday party, right? Pete got so sloshed that he started slapping Jake's bald head. Jake started to get mad, but Pete just would not stop slapping and... Uh...

Okay. That's not such a good example, either.

Look, I understand why Pete bothers you. He bothers everybody! That's just the way he is! Once you get to know him, you just accept him. It's all part of his charm! Well, not charm. That would imply that someone might like his behavior. But everyone just kind of, I don't know, gets used to it out of necessity. Because Pete doesn't care what anyone else wants.

It's not worth complaining to Pete. The louder you complain, the more he seems to enjoy it. I can't stand that! It's like reasoning with a brick wall. Plus, he never apologizes. If he does apologize, it's in this smart-ass, sarcastic fucking way that makes you feel stupid for having been hurt. Sometimes, you want to just grab him by the neck and...

Christ, Mike, you're right. Why do I even put up with him? Pete is an asshole.

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