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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

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President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

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James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Point/Counterpoint: Gov. Palin Has No Experience vs. Please Keep Your Voice Down, My Poor Retarded Child Is Sleeping

Gov. Palin Has No Foreign Policy Experience, Refuses To Acknowledge Global Warming, And Supports The War In Iraq

There may be no better word to describe John McCain's vice presidential pick than "ridiculous."

After months of criticizing Sen. Obama for his inexperience with foreign policy, McCain has chosen quite possibly the least experienced woman in politics to serve as his second-in-command. How little experience does Palin have, you ask? She was a part-time mayor of a tiny Alaska town and then governor of one of the least populous states in the union for less than two years. Palin has never met with any foreign leaders of any kind—in fact, she only applied for a U.S. passport last year!

In this time of international turmoil, how could McCain, a man who would become the oldest candidate ever elected, select a novice like Palin knowing she would be one heartbeat away from having to step into the presidency and protect our nation? The mere notion that Palin is even remotely equipped to manage the ongoing war on terror is an out-and-out fantasy dreamt up by the Republican party to disguise why they really selected her: to attract female and evangelical voters in a desperate attempt to win the election at any cost—even if it means sacrificing our nation's security.

McCain has chosen for his running mate a woman who is so set in the past that she supports abstinence-only education despite its failure among her own children; a woman who claims she is not convinced that global warming is a serious issue. Palin has time and again supported needless and ecologically destructive drilling in Alaska's wildlife reserves—drilling that McCain himself is ardently opposed to—yet offers no plan for the very real and proven threat of climate change, despite the danger it poses to her home state.

Perhaps the most frightening prospect of putting Palin in the White House is her continued support of the failing war in Iraq—a war she called "a task that is from God." Electing Sarah Palin and John McCain in November will no doubt prolong this costly and unwinnable conflict, which every day claims the lives of more American troops and sinks our country further into debt.

Palin is not a bold new choice for America. I have no doubt she will provide the same type of irresponsible and flat-out dangerous leadership we've seen from President Bush for the past eight years. That is, if she provides any leadership at all.

Please Keep Your Voice Down, My Poor Retarded Child Is Sleeping

Shhhh!

Could you please stop tearing apart my record so loudly? I just put my special needs child down for a nap. You remember my poor, Down syndrome baby, don't you? The developmentally disabled child I carried to term despite knowing that he had special needs? The child who would be helpless without my constant care and attention? Well, he's just nodded off, and if you continue to provide such damning evidence of my inexperience in both foreign and domestic policy, you'll wake him.

You wouldn't want him to start crying, would you?

It's very rude of you to keep pointing out the myriad reasons I am unfit to be the governor of Alaska, much less vice president of the United States of America, when you know my Down syndrome–afflicted son is trying to get some much-needed rest. If you wanted to question my qualifications as a leader, you should have thought of that sooner, like, say, before I gave birth to a retarded child who would probably starve to death if I weren't so selflessly and courageously dedicated to him.

Actually, he'll probably be sleeping for a while, so maybe it would be best if you came back later. Perhaps this afternoon, or in a couple of months. It's just that he gets so tired having to struggle with even the simplest tasks that you and I take for granted. Because my special needs son has Down syndrome, you see. My child has Down syndrome. And, as the mother of a baby with Down syndrome, I would appreciate it if you stopped bringing up my nonexistent energy plan while he sleeps there, like an angel.

My beautiful, special needs angel.

I assure you, I have every intention of responding to your claims. Sarah Palin does not run from a challenge. Like the challenge of raising a child with Down syndrome. That's what I've been doing for five months now, and let me tell you, it is hard work. But I wouldn't trade a moment of it for anything in the world, not even for more time to respond to the gaping holes you've just punched in my candidacy. Did I mention he has Down syndrome?

Now, if you'll please back away quietly without saying anything else—especially about my recent comments regarding Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac and how they illustrate my complete lack of even a basic understanding of our economy—I'll forget this whole thing ever happened.

And so will my vote-stealing retard baby.

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