adBlockCheck

Point/Counterpoint: Gov. Palin Has No Experience vs. Please Keep Your Voice Down, My Poor Retarded Child Is Sleeping

Top Headlines

Politics

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Who Is Gary Johnson?

Former New Mexico governor and Libertarian Party presidential candidate Gary Johnson is gaining some traction in the polls as an alternative to the two major-party nominees. Here’s what you need to know about Johnson

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Point/Counterpoint: Gov. Palin Has No Experience vs. Please Keep Your Voice Down, My Poor Retarded Child Is Sleeping

Gov. Palin Has No Foreign Policy Experience, Refuses To Acknowledge Global Warming, And Supports The War In Iraq

There may be no better word to describe John McCain's vice presidential pick than "ridiculous."

After months of criticizing Sen. Obama for his inexperience with foreign policy, McCain has chosen quite possibly the least experienced woman in politics to serve as his second-in-command. How little experience does Palin have, you ask? She was a part-time mayor of a tiny Alaska town and then governor of one of the least populous states in the union for less than two years. Palin has never met with any foreign leaders of any kind—in fact, she only applied for a U.S. passport last year!

In this time of international turmoil, how could McCain, a man who would become the oldest candidate ever elected, select a novice like Palin knowing she would be one heartbeat away from having to step into the presidency and protect our nation? The mere notion that Palin is even remotely equipped to manage the ongoing war on terror is an out-and-out fantasy dreamt up by the Republican party to disguise why they really selected her: to attract female and evangelical voters in a desperate attempt to win the election at any cost—even if it means sacrificing our nation's security.

McCain has chosen for his running mate a woman who is so set in the past that she supports abstinence-only education despite its failure among her own children; a woman who claims she is not convinced that global warming is a serious issue. Palin has time and again supported needless and ecologically destructive drilling in Alaska's wildlife reserves—drilling that McCain himself is ardently opposed to—yet offers no plan for the very real and proven threat of climate change, despite the danger it poses to her home state.

Perhaps the most frightening prospect of putting Palin in the White House is her continued support of the failing war in Iraq—a war she called "a task that is from God." Electing Sarah Palin and John McCain in November will no doubt prolong this costly and unwinnable conflict, which every day claims the lives of more American troops and sinks our country further into debt.

Palin is not a bold new choice for America. I have no doubt she will provide the same type of irresponsible and flat-out dangerous leadership we've seen from President Bush for the past eight years. That is, if she provides any leadership at all.

Please Keep Your Voice Down, My Poor Retarded Child Is Sleeping

Shhhh!

Could you please stop tearing apart my record so loudly? I just put my special needs child down for a nap. You remember my poor, Down syndrome baby, don't you? The developmentally disabled child I carried to term despite knowing that he had special needs? The child who would be helpless without my constant care and attention? Well, he's just nodded off, and if you continue to provide such damning evidence of my inexperience in both foreign and domestic policy, you'll wake him.

You wouldn't want him to start crying, would you?

It's very rude of you to keep pointing out the myriad reasons I am unfit to be the governor of Alaska, much less vice president of the United States of America, when you know my Down syndrome–afflicted son is trying to get some much-needed rest. If you wanted to question my qualifications as a leader, you should have thought of that sooner, like, say, before I gave birth to a retarded child who would probably starve to death if I weren't so selflessly and courageously dedicated to him.

Actually, he'll probably be sleeping for a while, so maybe it would be best if you came back later. Perhaps this afternoon, or in a couple of months. It's just that he gets so tired having to struggle with even the simplest tasks that you and I take for granted. Because my special needs son has Down syndrome, you see. My child has Down syndrome. And, as the mother of a baby with Down syndrome, I would appreciate it if you stopped bringing up my nonexistent energy plan while he sleeps there, like an angel.

My beautiful, special needs angel.

I assure you, I have every intention of responding to your claims. Sarah Palin does not run from a challenge. Like the challenge of raising a child with Down syndrome. That's what I've been doing for five months now, and let me tell you, it is hard work. But I wouldn't trade a moment of it for anything in the world, not even for more time to respond to the gaping holes you've just punched in my candidacy. Did I mention he has Down syndrome?

Now, if you'll please back away quietly without saying anything else—especially about my recent comments regarding Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac and how they illustrate my complete lack of even a basic understanding of our economy—I'll forget this whole thing ever happened.

And so will my vote-stealing retard baby.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close