Point/Counterpoint: Party! vs. Whoo! Party!

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Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.
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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

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Business

Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

Point/Counterpoint: Party! vs. Whoo! Party!

Party!

Party! Yeah, man! All right! Can you believe this?! Damn!

Dude! Party!

What's that? Huh? I can't understand you over the noise of the—huh? Oh—you're saying "party"?

Hell, yeah! I heard that!

"Around The World," man! Did you see the guy dressed like a Hawaiian? Shit just got crazy! Quarters upstairs, beer pong in Bobby's room, and a ton of prospies in for the weekend!

Yeah, son!

You! Take a Jell-O shot with me right now! Come on! Do it! Just do it! Pussy!

Raise da roof, y'all!

Hey! Where you going? The night is young! You better do a beer bong with me later! I'm watching you! Seriously!

Beerbeerbeerbeerbeerbeer! Fuck, yeah! Shit! Double-fisting! Party! Party!

Man, look at Sam on the couch all passed out! He needs to man up and handle his beer! Where's the Sharpies? Ha! What a douche!

Hey, look over there! Andy's chugging! Chug, Andy! Chug! Chug! Chug! Yeah!!

Unreal!

Whoa, check out that chick on the dance floor! Man, I gotta tap that shit! Bet you 20 bucks I can! Wait a minute…. I think some gay dude is trying to hit on her! What a bunch of bullshit!

I'm blacking out tonight, son!

I like how speakers sound!

Hell, yeah! A bunch of guys from the football team just showed up! That means this party is going on, what, what! Off the hook! Everyone said the school would break this up! They all said that and they were wrong! Who looks stupid now, huh? Yeah! Everyone needs to grow a pair!

Also, Mike was looking for you.

Man, school fucking sucks, but this party is fucking awesome! Am I right? You know I am! Who's in for some kings? Let's play with jungle juice! I don't know how I'm gonna wake up tomorrow!

Party!

Whoo! Party!

With all due respect to my esteemed colleague, I believe the situation here is best described not by "Party," but by "Whoo! Party!"

At present time, this celebration is reaching its climax, so it is important that we choose our words carefully so as to give the full recreational impact of our circumstances its due. We are currently showcasing an ice luge, a Kegerator, a liquor watermelon, a round-robin Beirut tournament, and a 24-foot beer bong dangling from the third floor stairwell to the ground. All of these are reasons to show more excitement than that low-level ovation of yours can convey.

You encouraged everyone to merely raise the roof; whereas it is my contention that we should be lighting the roof ablaze entirely. While shouting "whoo, party."

I beg you, take another look at this incredibly fun event. Some guests are currently enjoying the highly satisfying pour-in-your-mouth-with-your-head-back shots, while others are attempting the challenging yet rewarding power hours and century clubs, and still others are partaking in keg stands under that novelty "Beer: 5¢" poster by the bathroom. Do you still dare classify this as some less-than-earth-shattering celebration?

Quite simply, your shouts of enthusiasm lack the extremity of emphasis that our current partygoing situation necessitates.

Furthermore, whooooooooooooooooo.

I cannot understand you. Consider yourself; while encouraging Andy to chug, you merely requested that he continue to chug, rather than demand that he increase the rate of chugging itself. I do not understand why you must always settle for mediocrity, instead of demanding more from yourself and your fellow partygoers, as do I.

Allow me to effect a demonstration—as you see, Andy is at it again. Now. Chug. Chug. Harder. I implore you. You can chug harder. There: success.

If you would simply take a moment to reflect on the many women currently dancing around you, I am sure you would reconsider your position. The fact is, they are all not only beautiful, they are also, and this relates to my key point, behaving like crazed party bitches. More specifically, those girls there with the glitter. Everything in their manner and comportment points conclusively to a strong interest on their part in the topics of sex and sexual behavior.

And furthermore, they are—and I should hardly need to point this out to you by now—notably and emphatically shouting "whoo" themselves. There you have it: independent verification of my thesis.

Whoo.

Surely these circumstances—even considered individually, but particularly when taken in toto—are worthy of a greater expression of ebullience than you have thus far muttered. Hence, my aforementioned recommendation of the usage of the expressive sound "whoo," as an intensive modifier, to impart full requisite enthusiasm for the party ethos.

Clearly, your inability to fully appreciate a fine convocation such as this is an embarrassment to everyone, and your comments should be amended to correct this error posthaste.

In conclusion, whoo whoo whoo, party party party, whoo party.