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Point/Counterpoint: Party! vs. Whoo! Party!

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Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

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SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

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CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

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Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Point/Counterpoint: Party! vs. Whoo! Party!

Party!

Party! Yeah, man! All right! Can you believe this?! Damn!

Dude! Party!

What's that? Huh? I can't understand you over the noise of the—huh? Oh—you're saying "party"?

Hell, yeah! I heard that!

"Around The World," man! Did you see the guy dressed like a Hawaiian? Shit just got crazy! Quarters upstairs, beer pong in Bobby's room, and a ton of prospies in for the weekend!

Yeah, son!

You! Take a Jell-O shot with me right now! Come on! Do it! Just do it! Pussy!

Raise da roof, y'all!

Hey! Where you going? The night is young! You better do a beer bong with me later! I'm watching you! Seriously!

Beerbeerbeerbeerbeerbeer! Fuck, yeah! Shit! Double-fisting! Party! Party!

Man, look at Sam on the couch all passed out! He needs to man up and handle his beer! Where's the Sharpies? Ha! What a douche!

Hey, look over there! Andy's chugging! Chug, Andy! Chug! Chug! Chug! Yeah!!

Unreal!

Whoa, check out that chick on the dance floor! Man, I gotta tap that shit! Bet you 20 bucks I can! Wait a minute…. I think some gay dude is trying to hit on her! What a bunch of bullshit!

I'm blacking out tonight, son!

I like how speakers sound!

Hell, yeah! A bunch of guys from the football team just showed up! That means this party is going on, what, what! Off the hook! Everyone said the school would break this up! They all said that and they were wrong! Who looks stupid now, huh? Yeah! Everyone needs to grow a pair!

Also, Mike was looking for you.

Man, school fucking sucks, but this party is fucking awesome! Am I right? You know I am! Who's in for some kings? Let's play with jungle juice! I don't know how I'm gonna wake up tomorrow!

Party!

Whoo! Party!

With all due respect to my esteemed colleague, I believe the situation here is best described not by "Party," but by "Whoo! Party!"

At present time, this celebration is reaching its climax, so it is important that we choose our words carefully so as to give the full recreational impact of our circumstances its due. We are currently showcasing an ice luge, a Kegerator, a liquor watermelon, a round-robin Beirut tournament, and a 24-foot beer bong dangling from the third floor stairwell to the ground. All of these are reasons to show more excitement than that low-level ovation of yours can convey.

You encouraged everyone to merely raise the roof; whereas it is my contention that we should be lighting the roof ablaze entirely. While shouting "whoo, party."

I beg you, take another look at this incredibly fun event. Some guests are currently enjoying the highly satisfying pour-in-your-mouth-with-your-head-back shots, while others are attempting the challenging yet rewarding power hours and century clubs, and still others are partaking in keg stands under that novelty "Beer: 5¢" poster by the bathroom. Do you still dare classify this as some less-than-earth-shattering celebration?

Quite simply, your shouts of enthusiasm lack the extremity of emphasis that our current partygoing situation necessitates.

Furthermore, whooooooooooooooooo.

I cannot understand you. Consider yourself; while encouraging Andy to chug, you merely requested that he continue to chug, rather than demand that he increase the rate of chugging itself. I do not understand why you must always settle for mediocrity, instead of demanding more from yourself and your fellow partygoers, as do I.

Allow me to effect a demonstration—as you see, Andy is at it again. Now. Chug. Chug. Harder. I implore you. You can chug harder. There: success.

If you would simply take a moment to reflect on the many women currently dancing around you, I am sure you would reconsider your position. The fact is, they are all not only beautiful, they are also, and this relates to my key point, behaving like crazed party bitches. More specifically, those girls there with the glitter. Everything in their manner and comportment points conclusively to a strong interest on their part in the topics of sex and sexual behavior.

And furthermore, they are—and I should hardly need to point this out to you by now—notably and emphatically shouting "whoo" themselves. There you have it: independent verification of my thesis.

Whoo.

Surely these circumstances—even considered individually, but particularly when taken in toto—are worthy of a greater expression of ebullience than you have thus far muttered. Hence, my aforementioned recommendation of the usage of the expressive sound "whoo," as an intensive modifier, to impart full requisite enthusiasm for the party ethos.

Clearly, your inability to fully appreciate a fine convocation such as this is an embarrassment to everyone, and your comments should be amended to correct this error posthaste.

In conclusion, whoo whoo whoo, party party party, whoo party.

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