Reservoir Dogs Is The Best Movie Ever vs. Reservoir Dogs Is Fucking Awesome

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Vol 32 Issue 12

Man Has Amazing Ass

TASHEN, OH—Sculpted, tight, and slightly lofted, resident Lance Holdger's ass is naturally tan and completely hairless.

Area Panties In A Bunch

CROSS PLAINS, GA—According to Cross Plains police, a pair of panties was discovered Monday wound up in a bunch and badly in need of loosening. "Whoever owned these panties," Cross Plains police chief Raymond Zorn said, "obviously needed to relax.” Failure to chill out, Zorn said, is the number one reason over three million pairs of panties become bunched in the U.S. each year. Zorn said it is still too early to tell if there is a connection between the panty-bunching incident and Friday’s discovery of a pair of Atlanta-area undies in a bundle.

Charlton Heston Gets Serious

HOLLYWOOD, CA—After nearly 40 years of wacky, lighthearted comedic roles, actor Charlton Heston finally got serious Tuesday, accepting a part in a four-hour Biblical epic to air on TNT. "I have spent my entire career doing pratfalls and mugging for the camera," Heston said. "Now I intend to wipe the smirk off my face and take on a serious, dramatic role." In the TNT drama, titled The Holy Bible, Heston will play the Biblical character Moses. Asked if he expects the transition from comedy to drama to be difficult, Heston said: "Get your stinking paws off me, you damned, dirty apes!"

Congress Names Very Special Prosecutor

WASHINGTON, DC—In its most inspirational appointment in years, Congress named Michael Barnett, a 15-year-old Baltimore boy with Down Syndrome, Very Special Prosecutor to the ongoing White House fundraising investigation Monday. "Michael is very special. He is fun, loves to laugh, and is always smiling," U.S. Sen. Fred Thompson (R-TN) said. When informed of his appointment, Barnett waved a pen and said, "I’m a special boy!" He then accidentally signed an order for the Marines to seize all private property in the U.S. Thompson quickly nullified the order, saying, "Michael is very special, and I know he’ll be trying very hard. And that’s what’s important."

Coroner's Report: John Denver Had Sunshine On Shoulders At Time Of Crash

MONTEREY, CA—According to a Monterey County coroner’s report released Monday, singer John Denver had a shoulder-sunshine level of .27—more than two times the legal limit—at the time of his fatal airplane crash into Monterey Bay on Oct. 12. "Our autopsy discovered a substantial quantity of sunshine on and around Mr. Denver’s shoulders, more than enough to make him high," Monterey County chief coroner Richard Bozell said. "It is my opinion that it would be difficult for even the most experienced pilot to safely operate an aircraft while high on that much sunshine." Denver, who battled sunshine addiction throughout his career, was 53.

Hero Firefighter: 'I'm A Hero'

MIDLAND, TX—Local firefighter Brent Koonce, who rescued an infant trapped at the bottom of a 40-foot well Monday, is being roundly hailed by himself as a hero this week. "What I did was incredibly brave," said Koonce, who descended all the way down the three-foot-wide well to recover eight-month-old Midland resident Melissa Sims. "In selflessly risking my own life to rescue little Melissa, I am an inspiration to those around me and proof that heroes do exist," he said. Koonce noted that once the girl was recovered, he performed rescue breathing on her, reviving her from a semi-conscious state. "I saved this child," he said. "I am Yahweh, Giver Of Life."

Lovable Cockney Charms Neighbors:

CLOTTS, VT—The residents of Clotts have been getting quite an education in foreign cultures since the recent arrival of immigrant Nigel Edney, a real live Cockney from London, England. And with a colorful accent and a nimble wit to match, this tenacious teabag is fast capturing the hearts of his new neighbors.
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Reservoir Dogs Is The Best Movie Ever vs. Reservoir Dogs Is Fucking Awesome

Reservoir Dogs Is The Best Movie Ever

Let me tell you this: Reservoir Dogs is the best movie ever! It's everything a good movie should be. You got great characters, awesome dialogue and tons of unbelievable action. Quentin Tarantino is a god.

If I think about all the movies I've seen, and I've seen a lot, I can't think of anything that even comes close. Sure, Star Wars, Blade Runner and A Clockwork Orange are all pretty cool. They're all great actually. But Reservoir Dogs blows them away. Why? Because it's just so fucking cool.

I've got this awesome six-foot-tall poster of it in my dorm room. It shows that part where they're all walking in slow motion.

I love how it's told in this totally messed-up order. It starts after the crime is over and then goes backwards. It's constantly jumping back and forth between flashback and present. The way they introduce each character is by flashing back and showing how they got involved in the crime. I can't even remember what happened first and what happened last, and I've seen the movie over 100 times. It's so complex.

I love the scene in the diner where Mr. Pink argues about paying the tip. That's so funny, because me and my friends have done the exact same thing.

Me, Steve and Zach rent it sometimes and watch it in the commons area. (Whitman House rules!) We all wear our Reservoir Dogs T-shirts, and we each take a character and say all his lines. (Last time I was Tim Roth.)

In conclusion, I just want to say that Reservoir Dogs is the greatest movie ever made.

Reservoir Dogs Is Fucking Awesome

Man, that dude doesn't know what he's talking about. Where he comes off with that opinion is beyond me. Reservoir Dogs is fucking awesome!

Harvey Keitel is the baddest dude I've ever seen act. And, unlike my esteemed colleague, I've seen a ton of movies. Three of my favorites are Blade Runner, A Clockwork Orange and Star Wars. Those are some cool movies. But Dogs (as it's called by people who really fucking love it) beats them all. It's like, pow, pow, pow!

There are so many guns in that movie, I bet it has more guns than any other movie ever.

My favorite part is when Michael Madsen, Mr. Blond, is torturing that cop and cutting him up and throwing gasoline in his face. The first time I saw that part, I was like, holy shit.

The best thing about that scene is the fact that, although it's really violent, it also really makes you think. I mean, on the one hand, I kind of felt bad for the cop, but then, on the other hand, I thought, those are the risks you take if you become a cop.

I wanted to beat up a pig once when I got my fake ID snagged at Duffy's.

I've seen Pulp Fiction a bunch of times, and it's cool, but it's not nearly as good as Dogs. Keitel didn't have a big enough role, and there were too many different plot lines to follow. A good movie has only one story.

And that end scene, where they're all pointing the guns at each other and they all shoot each other—where'd Tarantino come up with that?

In conclusion, Reservoir Dogs is seriously fucking awesome.

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