Sexual Harassment In The Workplace Must Stop vs. I Love The Way Your Tits Bounce When You Type

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Vol 34 Issue 05

Paramount Pictures Proudly Shelves Latest Film

HOLLYWOOD, CA–Paramount Pictures is rolling out the red carpet to shelve its latest comedy, The Munsters. "Join us in welcoming this poorly realized film to the Paramount studio archives," read a press release for the film, not coming to theaters any time soon. "Based upon the mid-'60s TV show, this $45 million bad film was intended to capitalize upon the nostalgic appeal of the series, but became bogged down in rewrites and production delays, only to end up as an unwatchable career-ender." The press release also described the casting of actor Larry Hagman in the role of Grandpa Munster as "a stupid, stupid move."

Monopoly Player Insists On Being Wheelbarrow

BAKERSFIELD, CA–The start of a Monopoly contest was stalled for more than 30 minutes Monday, when player Andrew Shermer insisted on being the wheelbarrow. "I must be the wheelbarrow in any game which I am to play," Shermer, 10, told reporters in a press conference at his home in Bakersfield. "Jamie [Dugan] and Chris [Cambria] are being ding-dongs about this." While Dugan, 8, cited Shermer's use of the wheelbarrow in last week's game as the basis for his claim over the coveted game piece, Cambria claimed "rightful dominion" over the piece based upon the fact that playing was his idea. The dispute was eventually resolved by Shermer's mother, Linda Shermer, who seized the wheelbarrow piece and forced the disgruntled players to choose among the thimble, dog, racecar, top hat and shoe. The iron could not be found.

Russia Renamed 'Batshitzania'

MOSCOW, BATSHITZANIA–With political turmoil and economic chaos threatening to tear the nation apart, Russia's parliament voted unanimously Monday to rename the crumbling former superpower "Batshitzania." "We felt a new name was in order to suit our new identity," said acting Batshitzanian prime minister Viktor Chernomyrdin, standing atop a burning Kremlin. "Citizens are frantically trying to get rid of their worthless rubles, our nuclear weapons are sitting unguarded in abandoned silos, and the mentally unstable Boris Yeltsin, who is scheduled to undergo octuple-bypass surgery next week, refuses to step down. Basically, everything's going bat-shit zany over here." Other names considered for the collapsing nation include Kabloomia, Dystopskia and Hell.

Kenneth Starr Orders LBJ Exhumed For Investigation Of Possible Sexual Impropriety

WASHINGTON, DC–Vowing to "restore morality, integrity and accountability to the office of the presidency," Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr ordered the exhumation of President Lyndon Johnson's corpse Tuesday in connection with possible sexual misconduct during his tenure in the White House. "Since the late President Johnson has not been forthcoming with the truth about his relationship with Miss Glass, I am left with no choice but to subpoena him posthumously," said Starr, who has accused Johnson of conducting a longtime affair with Alice Glass, the girlfriend of Texas newspaper publisher Charles Marsh. Johnson may be called to testify as early as next Monday, when exhumed president Warren Harding is expected to complete his deposition regarding an alleged 15-year extramarital affair with Carrie Phillips and subsequent attempts to bribe the Phillips family to keep the relationship a secret. Among other presidents whose corpses Starr has ordered dug up for questioning regarding sexual misconduct: John Kennedy, Franklin Roosevelt, Dwight Eisenhower, Grover Cleveland, Martin Van Buren, Andrew Jackson and Thomas Jefferson.

Our Street Gangs Are Probably Using Bad Language

While recently wandering the rotting underbelly of my favorite local urban wasteland at 3 a.m., I was accosted by a roughneck gang of thugs who demanded my wallet. With a grandfatherly sense of duty, I handed it over to them; then they clonked me over the noggin and ran off.

Star Wars 4 Is On The Way!

Item! Hold onto your hats, everyone, because this is the Big One. From one of my better sources, who must obviously remain nameless, I've learned that there is going to be another Star Wars movie! Plot details about Star Wars 4 are extremely sketchy, but from what I understand, Luke and Laura have to find a magic potion that was hidden by Boba Fett, Darth Vader's son-in-law, in order to save their home planet from space drug dealers. It's good to know that Steven Spielberg still has the magic touch. Stay tuned for more info. And may The Force be with you and your loved ones!

The New Eunuch Is Not Working Out

It was my birth-day recently, and the customary deluge of gifts flooded the Estate. I was wheeled into my private amusement annex so that I could watch the unwrapping of my presents. As usual, I was given needless rubbish and picayune baubles that serve me no purpose. I received what must have been my 659th mechanical nightingale from whomever is the Emperor of Siam now-a-days, when what I truly desired was a new shawl and a visit from the Grim Reaper. I directed Standish to cast the nightingale into the furnace and bury the rest of the unopened loot in the court-yard.
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Sexual Harassment In The Workplace Must Stop vs. I Love The Way Your Tits Bounce When You Type

Sexual Harassment In The Workplace Must Stop

Sadly, some 30 years after the Women's Movement first brought to the national spotlight the discrimination and double-standards women face in our male-dominated society, the sexist attitudes and behaviors we have been attempting to change all these years still prevail.

Despite countless attempts on the part of women to address the issue, sexual harassment in the workplace remains as rampant as ever, and we as a society show little interest in changing this fact.

Sexual harassment in the workplace is no laughing matter. It is not "flirting," it is not "harmless," and it is not "affectionate." It is a deliberate and reprehensible misuse of power that bespeaks of a powerful misogynist undercurrent in the way men view women. The reduction of female co-workers to subservient, objectified pawns to be toyed with and abused by male superiors is not only offensive; it is a way for the entrenched male power structure to preserve that power through the perpetuation of myths that have kept women economically and politically disenfranchised for centuries.

The dismissive, insulting treatment that women receive in their places of work from such abusers of power only serves to "keep them in their place," enabling male employers to protect the unwritten law of the "glass ceiling." This prevents women from ever rising past a predetermined level within their career fields, ensuring that they will never be taken seriously as anything more than lust objects by the predominantly male bosses who control their economic destinies. Capable women are routinely passed over for promotion in favor of less competent males or "token" women who have learned to "play the game" of falling into a sexualized role with regard to their superiors.

Now more than ever, we need to deliver our message loud and clear: Sexual harassment in the workplace must end. For nearly three decades, we at the Women's Action Project have been toiling to achieve this, fighting in the courts and in the arena of public discourse. But our work is far from over. We have won some victories, but on-the-job sexual harassment is still a sad reality for millions of women every day. Yes, we have a long road ahead of us, but we will not stop until women in the workplace receive the respect they so richly deserve, not only as women, but as human beings.

I Love The Way Your Tits Bounce When You Type

Hel-lo, nurse! I gotta tell ya, in all seriousness: I love the way your tits bounce when you type. Let's see if we can't crank it up a couple more words per minute and really get those beauties movin'. Ka-Pow! Talk about boosting your office morale! If morale gets boosted any higher around here, nobody's gonna get any work done for the entire fiscal quarter! Gimme some sugar, baby!

Sure, you may not be the brightest bulb we've ever hired for this position, but, hey, with a body like yours, secretarial skills aren't exactly a priority. And speaking of positions, I don't know about your performance in this position, but I'd love to see how you perform in a couple of others that come to mind. Arooga!

Take a memo, honey: From now on, I want all of my secretaries to wear fuzzy blue sweaters. Seriously though, I love that top. Christ, you look like a million bucks, do you know that? Grrr-Rowr! If I wasn't a married man, I might get myself into some serious trouble here. Hell, I just might, regardless!

C'mon. I'm only kidding. You can take a joke, can't you? Sure you can. I'll bet that's not all you can take. Cha-ching! From where I'm sitting, it looks like you're not even wearing a bra, are you? What color underwear are you wearing? Man, oh, man, I tell you, if this keeps up, one of these days I swear I'm gonna end up in the hospital. And actually, I'm praying to God that I do. What a way to go, baby!

Say there, little lady, how's tricks? Well, if it isn't little Miss Hot Stuff. My, aren't you looking great today. What a knockout outfit. Did you do something to your hair? Could I do something to your hair? Whoops! Looks like I dropped my pen. Sweetie, would you mind bending over and picking that up for me? Hoo-doggie! File under "T and A"!

Seriously, though, I think you have a real future here at this company. I see big things in front of you. Two, in fact. Yowza! Is it hot in here, or is it just you? I think you could go far, but the real question is, how far do you think you'd let me go? I can talk to some of my friends upstairs. We can work something out. You know, a little quid pro quo, if you catch my drift. What this company needs is a team player. You know how to play ball, don't you? One hand washes the other, right? You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours, so to speak.

I love my wife, but oh, you kid!

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