adBlockCheck

Recent News

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
End Of Section
  • More News

Sustainable Energy Solutions Are The Key To Our Country's Economic Future vs. Christ, Ted, Is That You? It's Four In The Morning

Sustainable Energy Solutions Are The Key To Our Country's Economic Future

Time and time again, the United States finds itself on the brink of economic disaster, and all because we have tethered ourselves to an unstable energy source: oil. This reliance leaves us both susceptible to the volatility of an unstable market and defenseless against the cyclical havoc it creates in our economy. We continually vow to change our ways, but as soon as prices go back down, we're right back where we started, feeding our oil addiction.

Now we are at a crossroads: We can either choose to pursue a global leadership position at the forefront of green energy solutions, or we can hide our heads in the sand. And unless we want to be viewed by history as another fallen empire, it's pretty obvious that we must choose sustainable energy.

Naysayers insist that we lack the basic infrastructure to do this, and that we are simply not prepared for the paradigm shifts necessary to take advantage of solar or wind power. Well, to those who say America is not ready for these changes, I say you're dead wrong. Investment in renewable energy today will create hundreds of thousands of desperately needed jobs and prepare us for a stable, emissions-free future in which our fortunes are not tied to the chaos of the world around us.

Do the recent events in the Middle East tell us nothing? It's not just hurting us at the pump; it's driving up prices of everyday essentials, such as heating oil, food, and clothing. It's now or never. Do we want to tell our children and our children's children that we met our ruin because we failed to act? I should hope not.

The bottom line is this: If the United States of America expects to maintain its position as a dominant world power, we must be able to maintain consistent, sustainable growth. And the key to that growth is consistent, sustainable energy.

Christ, Ted, Is That You? It's Four In The Morning

Hello? Who is this? Wait, just—slow down. Whoever this is needs to slow down. Jesus Christ, Ted, is that you? Ted, what the fuck, man? Do you have any idea what time it is? It's four in the goddamn morning. What the hell is—Ted, please stop talking for a second.† Yes, Ted, I agree the creation of wind and solar infrastructure will create jobs where they are sorely needed, but for God's sake, this couldn't have waited till tomorrow?

Jesus, okay. Just give me a second here. Okay. Okay. I'm awake. No, yeah, I'm awake. Okay, first off, where are you right now? Are you okay? Is everything okay?

For fuck's sake, Ted, I thought somebody had died or something. My hands are shaking. My heart is…I thought it was something with my parents or my sister or, I don't know, some kind of emergency. Yes, Ted, I realize being tied to an outdated and dangerously unstable energy source is an emergency. I get that. But come on, man, it's still fucking dark outside. I gotta be up in two hours. I have to make breakfast for the kids, I have to get them dressed, get them on the bus. Sure, yes, fine, I agree it would be great if their bus didn't burn gas, but forgive me if I'm not in the mood to list the benefits of a hydrogen-powered auto fleet right now.

Ugh, I'm so tired. I was in a really deep sleep, too. Fuck.

No, no, no, I'm not mad. I'm not mad. Well, yeah, I guess I am a little mad. Don't get me wrong, man, I fundamentally agree with everything you're saying about the cyclical economic effect of fuel costs and how America has to take the lead in changing energy paradigms, but Ted, there's nothing you, me, or anyone is gonna do about it at four in the morning, so can we drop it?

Call me at the office tomorrow and we'll talk, okay? I need my sleep. I need…Ted, why are you still talking about maintaining sustainable growth? And why is your voice so loud? Ted. Ted. Ted, seriously. Seriously, Ted, you gotta stop. You can't keep waking me up in the middle of the night every time you get riled up about something. Last week it was that global warming is a danger we can no longer afford to ignore, and the week before it was about how the drug cartels in Mexico have rendered Latin American governments virtually powerless. All very good points, Ted, but Sheila's starting to get pissed off and, frankly, so am I. You're a passionate guy and I respect that, but do you have any idea the day I have ahead of me?

Great, now Sheila's up, and she's making coffee. I'm never getting back to sleep now. Fuck. I wish you could hear yourself, Ted. You sound nuts. No, of course I don't want to be viewed by history as a fallen empire. You know what, how about a fucking apology for waking my children up, you asshole?

Their children's children are going to bear the brunt? Hey, Ted, fuck you. Go to bed.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close