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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

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The Anemic Economic Recovery Is Due To The Failed Policies Of My Opponent vs. C'mon Man, The Debate's In A Couple Hours, We Can Do This Then

The Anemic Economic Recovery Is Due To The Failed Policies Of My Opponent

If there’s one thing I’ve learned campaigning across this great country of ours, it’s that hardworking Americans are doing their God’s honest best in these trying economic times. But unfortunately, far too many families that were once solidly middle-class now have a tough time paying their bills and, in some cases, struggle just to put meals on the table. We’ve been promised an economic recovery for four years, folks, and I don’t need to tell you that it hasn’t come to pass.

That’s why it’s time for a change—a real, lasting change from the ineffective and costly policies of my opponent, which have done nothing but slow this recovery down.

Time and time again, we’ve been told by this administration that things will get better, that we’re finally turning a corner. They say their expensive stimulus package and burdensome financial regulations are working. But let me ask you: Does the small business owner who can’t pay her tax bill believe the economy is improving? How about that family in Florida whose mortgage is still under water?

Just look around, folks—it’s plain to see this so-called recovery is anything but. In President Obama’s first year alone, 4.1 million jobs were lost, and today the unemployment rate is still above 8 percent. Ladies and gentlemen, that is simply unacceptable in the United States of America, and as president, I will not stand for it.

We all remember how my opponent rode into office on a wave of popular support and promised fixing the economy would be job No. 1. We were told help was on the way for the jobless and for those losing their homes. But what we got instead was a bloated, ineffective stimulus bill that added nearly $800 billion to the deficit.

The bottom line is that four years later Americans haven’t seen their paychecks rise or their prospects brighten, and the reason is simple: My opponent policies have only dug our nation deeper into debt.

And that’s why we need a leader who knows a thing or two about creating jobs.

I have a lifetime of experience in the private sector and, unlike my opponent, I know that more government is not the answer. I know that unburdening our small businesses from the yoke of taxes and regulation will promote the entrepreneurial spirit that has always lifted this country out of recessions.

It’s time to say goodbye to President Obama’s broken, bankrupting policies, and that’s exactly what I plan on doing if you elect me president.

C'mon Man, The Debate's In A Couple Hours, We Can Do This Then

Whoa, hey, buddy, take ’er easy. Slow down there. I know we have starkly different viewpoints on key issues facing the nation, but come on, the debate’s in just a couple hours, so relax for a bit and we can get to all that stuff then. I promise.

Seriously, pal, settle down and take a breath. We’ve got 90 minutes blocked off tonight to cover all the big issues, so you’ll have more than enough time to make your points in front of the American people. But right now, how about you just hang out and enjoy the rest of the day. It’s beautiful here in Denver.

You don’t want to tire yourself out two hours before your opening remarks, do you? Save it for when it really counts, you know what I mean? That’s what I’m doing.

The economy, jobs, housing—I promise we’ll get to it, just hold your horses. It makes perfect sense that you have a lot of stuff on your mind and you’re champing at the bit to get it all out. I ought to know. This is a very high-stakes night for me, too, and I also am looking forward to having a spirited discussion about the choice Americans have to make. But there’s a time and a place for it, buddy, and it’s not here.

You don’t see me getting all worked up, do you? Just take a breather. Eat a sandwich.

Mitt, the bottom line is that the entire debate is focused on domestic policy, so it’s not like small business owners and job creation aren’t going to come up. What’s the difference if we talk about it now or two hours from now? See what I mean? You don’t even have to hold off that much longer. Put on a movie, and by the time it’s over, boom, it’s debate time.

Listen, you and me are going to appear live on all the major networks and cable news channels very shortly, and you’ll be able to talk about the housing crisis, my broken promises on the unemployment rate, and anything else you want, for that matter. There’s going to be a set, a moderator, cameras, an audience, tens of millions of Americans watching at home. What I’m saying here, man, is that it’s not like this isn’t going to happen. It’s a full-on debate with no commercials. To me, that sounds like a perfect opportunity to get this stuff off your chest.

You know I’m right on this.

Plus, we’ve got two more of these things later on, so even if you forget to say something up there tonight, there’s still plenty of debating left, okay? I guarantee you’ll be able to get across the exact message that you’d like the American people to hear. Swear to God.

Mitt, I’ll be honest with you, I actually don’t even have time to respond to this right now. I have a country to run, high-level officials to talk to—really, I’m pretty much booked until this debate tonight. But I guarantee I’ll get back to you then.

Sound good, bud?

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