The Future Will Be A Totalitarian Government Dystopia vs. The Future Will Be A Privatized Corporate Dystopia

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Vol 36 Issue 18

Five-Year-Old Convinced Dinosaur Bones Are Buried In Backyard

TACOMA, WA–Amateur archaeologist Joshua Bushnell, 5, announced Monday that he is certain that the remains of a dinosaur are buried in the Bushnell family backyard. "I have to dig up the bones to get them to the museum," Bushnell told his mother, Kathy Bushnell. "There's a big brontosaurus by the swingset." Bushnell has asked his mother to buy him a new digging tool that is larger than his plastic Fisher-Price sand shovel.

New Partially Digested Doritos Eliminate Tedious Chewing

DALLAS–At a press conference Monday, Frito-Lay unveiled "Doritos Soft," an exciting new partially digested version of the popular snack chip. "Now the great taste of Doritos comes pre-digested, so you don't have to," an upcoming print ad for the product read. "Packed with the same gastric enzymes you yourself secrete, Doritos Soft blasts that awesome nacho taste straight to your large intestine, 'cuz you're too biz-zay for chewin'!" The new product arrives in the wake of the success of Mountain Dew Gold, a soft drink that is 40 percent urine.

Villagers Turned Into Crack Fighting Squad Overnight

SILVER GULCH, NV–The good, God-fearing people of Silver Gulch, a sleepy frontier town known primarily for its pleasant annual Founder's Festival and Ma Beasley's delicious pies, expertly fended off Boss Cafferty's armed goons following their overnight transformation into a crack fighting squad Sunday. "Those gun-slinging prairie pirates were no match for little Molly O'Shea and her tater skillet!" town miller Pete Johnson whooped after the estimated two dozen heavily armed thugs were driven from Main Street. "And anyone who tries to muscle in on Silver Gulch's diamond mine can expect the same!" Johnson and his fellow townsfolk were whipped into fighting shape by reformed outlaw Bart "Three Finger" Hoskins during a seven-minute montage sequence.

Archangels Already Sick Of Cardinal O'Connor Telling Them How They Do It In New York

HEAVEN–Less than two weeks after his passage into God's Eternal Kingdom, Cardinal John O'Connor is already irritating the Archangels with his constant talk of Heaven's lack of facilities, culture, and cosmopolitanism compared to New York City, his former place of residence. "He doesn't complain about the manna, per se, but he won't let us forget that you can't find a decent Italian restaurant open around here after 11 p.m.," Archangel Gabriel said Monday. "We're also well aware that the Lord's Heavenly Choir doesn't hold a candle to the New York Choral Society, whose recent performance of Verdi's Requiem at Carnegie Hall was far better than anything the Cardinal ever expects to hear around here."

So My Readers Wish Me Dead

I am informed by The Onion Editorial Board that the mountain of mail calling for my death is increasing once again. This is nothing new, as it becomes fashionable to lust for the death of T. Herman Zweibel when-ever the Swiss economy is running smoothly. It does not pay to anger the Gnomes of Zurich!

That Teen-Abstinence Rally Totally Rocked!

Wow, what a weekend! They say that part of being a teenager is knowing how to cut loose, and there's nothing quite like getting together with a big group of your peers and just "letting it rip." That teen-abstinence rally totally rocked!
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

The Future Will Be A Totalitarian Government Dystopia vs. The Future Will Be A Privatized Corporate Dystopia

The Future Will Be A Totalitarian Government Dystopia

I am sad to say that for all our efforts in the name of freedom, the future shall be a bleak one, indeed. Such visionary authors as George Orwell and Robert Heinlein have mapped out the hellish future that awaits.

By the end of this century, the Earth will be controlled by a single unified world government–a government solely dedicated to perpetuating itself and keeping the populace under control. The first and greatest casualty of this New World Order shall be personal liberty.

Humans will live in identical, low-ceilinged, one-roomed concrete dwellings, outfitted with little more than a bed and a telescreen, arranged in endless grid patterns stretching to the horizon. Our bleary-eyed descendants 100 years hence shall shuffle between their assigned tasks in gray, one-piece coveralls. What few possessions they enjoy will be meted out by the government, and even these spare trinkets will be small and inexpensive–a plastic comb, a morsel of chocolate, a new pair of shoes when the old ones have worn to unwearability.

Citizens will be assigned to various vocational fields, the most common being propaganda, bureaucracy, and the police. Those who perform with unerring loyalty will be rewarded with slightly larger dwellings and the right to lower the volume of their telescreens.

Unremovable electronic trackers will be implanted in our brains, monitoring our whereabouts and thoughts at all times. Citizens who harbor anti-authoritarian sentiments will be swiftly seized by jackbooted secret police and either put to death–a procedure filmed and displayed via telescreen as a grim warning to other would-be dissenters–or rehabilitated into blind servitude through torture and brainwashing.

Food will be prepared by machines and served in drab public mess halls. No fruits and vegetables for future-man: Every meal will be a flavorless, grainy paste designed to provide just enough nutrition to sustain life and nothing more–any more energy and the powers that be risk rebellion.

Oh, how I dread the future. May God protect our yet-unborn children.

The Future Will Be A Privatized Corporate Dystopia

I beg to differ with my colleague. Having read the futuristic accounts of William Gibson, Neal Stephenson, and Philip K. Dick, the path our future shall take will be bleak, indeed–but in a much different way.

When the ongoing trend of corporate mergers reaches critical mass in 2030, the scant handful of corporations that remain will be too powerful to resist and will ultimately supplant all government. National borders will crumble, replaced by warring corporate armies who deploy vat-grown Yakuza assassins to take down enemy CEOs in the name of commerce.

The future will be every color but gray–not that the future will be worth living in. Giant videoscreen billboards will cover the exposed surface of every skyscraper, bombarding our consciousness with advertising for anything and everything. Looking up will expose us to giant orbiting mylar superscreens bearing more logos and slogans. A citizen will be unable to walk down the street without encountering roving clouds made up of billions of microscopic nanoprobes that form corporate logos right before their very eyes.

Which is not to imply that the average citizen will do much walking: When every inch of space is privatized, it will cost money to walk from your living room to the kitchen. The average citizen will spend nearly all of his waking hours neurally jacked into the futuristic grandchild of the Internet, roaming cyberspace rather than moving and interacting in the inelegant, inconvenient three-dimensional world.

When we do log off the CyberNet, the very walls of our apartments will teem with droning media messages. Tolerating such in-home advertising will be the only way the average citizen will be able to afford an apartment at all. Only the wealthiest will be able to afford a quiet, dark room in which to sleep. The rest of us will simply become desensitized to the 24 hours of stimuli attacking our minds.

All media will consist of some form of advertising–print, audio, video–with some actually beamed directly into our brains. The theme song to every TV show will be a product jingle. Newscasters will segue straight from war reports into soft-drink pitches without batting an eye.

To the powers that be, a citizen will be no more than a potential receptacle of consumption, only as valuable as his or her electronically catalogued personal wealth. All transactions will be conducted instantaneously by retinal scan, and credit fraud will be a crime worse than murder.

Oh, how I pity future generations.

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