The Packers Rule! vs. For 500 Years My People Have Been Tortured And Persecuted, Slaves In Our Own Land

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 18, 2015

ARIES: Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead.

Highlights From ‘Go Set A Watchman’

Harper Lee’s buzzed-about new release, Go Set A Watchman, went on sale last week, taking the world by storm with its new investigations of Scout Finch as a grown woman and its divisive portrayal of her father, Atticus Finch, as a racist figure. Here are some highlights from the new book:

Leonardo DiCaprio Agrees To Donate It-Factor To Science

LOS ANGELES—Saying the gift would immeasurably improve their understanding of the ineffable quality that makes certain big-screen stars positively radiate, researchers at the University of California Los Angeles announced Tuesday that A-list actor Leonardo DiCaprio has agreed to donate his it-factor to science.

How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Comic-Con Survival Guide

San Diego Comic-Con is expected to draw more than 130,000 fans to Southern California this year to participate in cosplaying, attend panels, go to film screenings, and learn more about their favorite series. Here are some tips for surviving the four-day conference

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 23, 2015

ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2015

ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2015

ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Famous Television Finales

The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...

Half Of Hollywood Test Group Screened Placebo Film

LOS ANGELES—Saying the methodology helps them ensure unbiased results in their marketing research, studio executives at Paramount Pictures confirmed that during a Hollywood test screening this week they showed half of all theatergoers a placebo film...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 6, 2015

ARIES: One of the worst moments of a person's life is when they finally realize that they're mortal and are going to die, especially when it's a person like you who only sees the cement truck at the last second.

A Timeline Of Upcoming Superhero Movies

Following the massive successes of the Spider-Man, Batman, Avengers, and X-Men franchises, studios Marvel and DC Entertainment have announced as many as 40 upcoming superhero movies to be released over the next six years ...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Productivity

The Packers Rule! vs. For 500 Years My People Have Been Tortured And Persecuted, Slaves In Our Own Land

The Packers Rule!

Let me tell you this, my friend: The Green Bay Packers rule! Brett Favre, Reggie White and the boys are going all the way this year. The Green and Gold are gonna take it all the way to the Big Dance in New Orleans this January, no doubt about it!

That's right—we're gonna ride the cannon arm of a certain quarterback all the way to Super Bowl XXXI! Unlike Dallas or San Fran or any other pussy-ass team, the Pack is led by the Man With The Plan, the 1995 NFL MVP, number four from Kiln, MS, the Golden Boy himself, Mr. Brett Favre! Who do you guys have? Troy Aikman? Elvis Grbac? Please!

I know there's people who say the Packers can't get it done 'cause they're a small-town team. But don't you see? That's what makes them so great! They're way up there in Northern Wisconsin, taking on all comers in the name of us small-town folks who might not be from New York or Chicago or Los Angeles but who can still whip some major tail when the game is on the line.

They say we don't have a ground game, but I know a certain number 34, Edgar Bennett, who just might beg to differ. They say all of our receivers are hurt, but who cares? Favre's so good he doesn't need receivers! They said we were in trouble after Sterling Sharpe left. Now, it's like, Sterling who?

Plus, I'll tell you something else: We've got God on our side, courtesy of The Minister Of Defense, Mr. Reggie White! With Reggie on our side, those other teams don't have a prayer. The Cowboys may say they're America's Team—which is bullcrap, anyway—but we're God's team!

For over 75 years the Packers have been kicking ass and taking names. And their fans know it. There's nothing in this life that compares to relaxing with a Schlitz and a sausage sandwich and watching the Pack kick the Bears' asses all over the field. It's like I say: It doesn't get any better than this!

The Pack has been around longer than the Bears, who have been around a long time, and that's the reason, as the saying goes, "The Vikings suck, but the Bears swallow!" Because we've got a history.

Wisconsin is Packer Country! The Packers don't just play football—they live it! And if the big-city slickers have anything to say about it, I'm right here. And so's the Pack! C'mon over and let's rock and roll! The Pack is back in '96!

For 500 Years My People Have Been Tortured And Persecuted, Slaves In Our Own Land

My people are a conquered people, with no future and a lost past. Our land has been taken from us, our culture denied, our ancestors murdered and erased from all history books. We are forced to live in squalor on dusty reservations, helpless as our children descend deeper into our pit of alcoholism and depression.

Once we roamed this land freely from ocean to ocean, content to live simply, hunting the plains and fishing the great waters the way we had since the beginning of time. We were happy in our way, happy to live and die as a small part of our world.

Yet our holiest traditions have been defiled and degraded. Our sacred places have been stripped of their beauty and befouled by the pollution and waste of our captors.

Great Spirit, where have you gone? Once, when this land was beautiful, you honored us with the benevolence of your bounty. Now, all that remains are tattered fragments and shards, littering the despoiled fields of a ruined countryside.

Five centuries of trickery, deceit, religious oppression, rape, murder and genocide have left us a tattered, faded people. We grind out what little we can on our barren, dusty reservations by selling beads and trinkets, whoring our heritage by dressing in feathers and skins and hopping like fools for the amusement of the very people who enslave us. In return we receive a few meager dollars, which we quickly spend on alcohol.

Though my ancestors once felled the mightiest of stags with only the hand-hewn weapons of ancient wisdom and tradition, the white men took away their power with their guns, stripping them of their dignity, leaving only the hollow shell and withered husk of what once was.

Just as the dead oak rots from within until the trunk splits with the softest wind, so has the soul of my people been slowly weakened and decayed. We are as the dust, no more alive than the bison and passenger pigeon, driven from this place by those who killed as they came.

Once I dreamed of rising up and reclaiming my past, but a dream is all it will ever be. History will remember us as a people shepherded to extinction by our conqueror's murderous guile. We will never break free of the bottle, the reservation and our new, ever-growing heritage: that of defeat and despair.