adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

The Spartans Are Fags vs. The Spartans Did Indeed Engage In Homosexual Activity

The Spartans Are Fags

The Muncie Spartans are such total fucking fags, dude. That whole entire school is gay, but the guys on the football team are the biggest homos of all. The Westbridge High Panthers beat the Spartans four out of the last five games, and the one we lost? That was when our quarterback, Kent, had the flu.

Fucking Spartans, man. I bet they do each other right in the locker room, 'cause they can't even wait until they get back on the bus.

Look at their queer uniforms, man. They love prancing around in that gay-ass green-and-yellow shit. And as soon as they get announced, they're on the field prancing like fucking fairies or something. They'd probably be happier running around naked, though, and looking at each other's dicks. Ripping through their gay "Go Spartans!" banner; like anyone would think that's cool, except for the fudge-packers who go to Muncie.

And they got no fuckin' defense, man. Last year, during the big homecoming game, we lit those flamers up for 48 points. Their offense sucks, too. They can't throw a pass, 'cause of their limp wrists. Or probably their wrists are so sore from jacking each other off all the time.

I tell you what, dude: On Saturday, me, Kent, and Kent's brother Steve are gonna drive out to Muncie High and totally steal their rock. At first we thought instead of stealing it, we'd just paint "Spartans Are Fags" on it, but you know they'd just paint right over it, like the fags they are, with some gay pink flowers or shit. So we're gonna swipe the fucker. Then, when the Spartans all come to school on Monday, they're gonna see the rock is gone, and they'll all be like, "Look at what homo pussies we are! We can't even hang on to our rock!"

The Spartans Did Indeed Engage In Homosexual Activity

There is no question that the Spartans were involved in homosexual activity. All of the leading texts on the matter make mention of it. Spartan men would often take a young boy under their wing in a close-knit, mentor-type relationship which included sexual relations. Though frowned upon within the strictures of most contemporary social norms, man-boy "eros" was a deeply rooted aspect of traditional Spartan society. Some even theorize that it bolstered their military strength by creating armies which were psychologically more close-knit.

But despite all of this, Mr. Gilchrist's assertion that the uniform of a Spartan soldier reflects a homosexual influence is something of a stretch, in my opinion. The interlocking bronze strips which protected a hoplite soldier from waist to knees admittedly resembled a skirt, but there is, to the best of my knowledge, no connection between homosexuality and the modes of dress common to Spartan society.

As for competing naked, the Spartans are believed to be the ones who introduced nudity to the ancient Olympic games in Greece, so there does exist evidence supporting Mr. Gilchrist's theory on this matter.

However, I must vigorously object to my esteemed colleague's criticism of the Spartans' defense. When one studies the Spartans' courageous stand against the Persians at Thermopylae in 480 B.C., one cannot realistically impugn their defensive prowess. Knowing that the Persian assault was all but certain to end in their deaths, the outmanned Spartans took up arms and ferociously fought until their entire army lay dead, inflicting on the Persians casualties far greater than any military expert would have realistically projected.

In short, though Mr. Gilchrist's basic thesis is grounded in fact, it is nevertheless exaggerated. Yes, the Spartans engaged in homosexuality, but the repetitive, explicit details of various homosexual relations to which Mr. Gilchrist returns again and again, distorting and overstating these homosexual aspects of Spartan society well beyond their actual sociohistoric importance (i.e. their impact on Spartan combat strategy), seem to indicate that he has some sort of hidden agenda at work. Perhaps Mr. Gilchrist needs to examine his personal motivations more closely before he is ready to offer a balanced assessment of Spartan sexual mores and conduct.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close