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The Spartans Are Fags vs. The Spartans Did Indeed Engage In Homosexual Activity

The Spartans Are Fags

The Muncie Spartans are such total fucking fags, dude. That whole entire school is gay, but the guys on the football team are the biggest homos of all. The Westbridge High Panthers beat the Spartans four out of the last five games, and the one we lost? That was when our quarterback, Kent, had the flu.

Fucking Spartans, man. I bet they do each other right in the locker room, 'cause they can't even wait until they get back on the bus.

Look at their queer uniforms, man. They love prancing around in that gay-ass green-and-yellow shit. And as soon as they get announced, they're on the field prancing like fucking fairies or something. They'd probably be happier running around naked, though, and looking at each other's dicks. Ripping through their gay "Go Spartans!" banner; like anyone would think that's cool, except for the fudge-packers who go to Muncie.

And they got no fuckin' defense, man. Last year, during the big homecoming game, we lit those flamers up for 48 points. Their offense sucks, too. They can't throw a pass, 'cause of their limp wrists. Or probably their wrists are so sore from jacking each other off all the time.

I tell you what, dude: On Saturday, me, Kent, and Kent's brother Steve are gonna drive out to Muncie High and totally steal their rock. At first we thought instead of stealing it, we'd just paint "Spartans Are Fags" on it, but you know they'd just paint right over it, like the fags they are, with some gay pink flowers or shit. So we're gonna swipe the fucker. Then, when the Spartans all come to school on Monday, they're gonna see the rock is gone, and they'll all be like, "Look at what homo pussies we are! We can't even hang on to our rock!"

The Spartans Did Indeed Engage In Homosexual Activity

There is no question that the Spartans were involved in homosexual activity. All of the leading texts on the matter make mention of it. Spartan men would often take a young boy under their wing in a close-knit, mentor-type relationship which included sexual relations. Though frowned upon within the strictures of most contemporary social norms, man-boy "eros" was a deeply rooted aspect of traditional Spartan society. Some even theorize that it bolstered their military strength by creating armies which were psychologically more close-knit.

But despite all of this, Mr. Gilchrist's assertion that the uniform of a Spartan soldier reflects a homosexual influence is something of a stretch, in my opinion. The interlocking bronze strips which protected a hoplite soldier from waist to knees admittedly resembled a skirt, but there is, to the best of my knowledge, no connection between homosexuality and the modes of dress common to Spartan society.

As for competing naked, the Spartans are believed to be the ones who introduced nudity to the ancient Olympic games in Greece, so there does exist evidence supporting Mr. Gilchrist's theory on this matter.

However, I must vigorously object to my esteemed colleague's criticism of the Spartans' defense. When one studies the Spartans' courageous stand against the Persians at Thermopylae in 480 B.C., one cannot realistically impugn their defensive prowess. Knowing that the Persian assault was all but certain to end in their deaths, the outmanned Spartans took up arms and ferociously fought until their entire army lay dead, inflicting on the Persians casualties far greater than any military expert would have realistically projected.

In short, though Mr. Gilchrist's basic thesis is grounded in fact, it is nevertheless exaggerated. Yes, the Spartans engaged in homosexuality, but the repetitive, explicit details of various homosexual relations to which Mr. Gilchrist returns again and again, distorting and overstating these homosexual aspects of Spartan society well beyond their actual sociohistoric importance (i.e. their impact on Spartan combat strategy), seem to indicate that he has some sort of hidden agenda at work. Perhaps Mr. Gilchrist needs to examine his personal motivations more closely before he is ready to offer a balanced assessment of Spartan sexual mores and conduct.

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