The Spartans Are Fags vs. The Spartans Did Indeed Engage In Homosexual Activity

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Vol 35 Issue 23

Nation's Experts Give Up

WASHINGTON, DC—After years of frustration over being misunderstood or simply ignored, experts in every field tendered their resignation.

Senior Citizen Shaken By Diminished Bawdy-Limerick Recall

OCALA, FL—Retiree Henry Sims, straining to remember the one about the lady from China, was deeply shaken Tuesday by his fading bawdy-limerick recall. "Last week, I blanked on the one about the man from Keokuk," the 79-year-old said. "And now this." Sims said he could visualize the Chinese woman and the popsicle, but couldn't recall the accompanying rhyming verse. "Can you imagine that?" Sims said. "Me, Hank, forgetting a classic."

Clinton Vetoes Bill For Reason He Can't Put His Finger On

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing a variety of vague misgivings he "can't quite explain," President Clinton vetoed Monday H.R. 1556, a bill that would have provided tax breaks to corporations that offer maternity-leave packages to female employees. "I don't know, it's just sort of hard to put into words," Clinton said following the veto. "It's weird, but something about this bill just didn't seem right. I know I should be, but for some reason, I'm just not into it."

Report: Media Coverage Of Bear Attacks May Be Biased

NEW YORK—According to a report released Monday by the media-watchdog group Fairness and Accuracy In Reporting, U.S. media coverage of bear attacks is biased, with 98 percent of such reports taking the side of the attacked humans. "The media in this country are blatantly anti-bear," FAIR director Lynette Pierce said. "Virtually every time a bear is taunted, harassed or provoked into lashing out at humans, the bear is depicted in the media as the aggressor." The report went on to state that out of the 411 cases of bear-human conflicts in the last year, humans were victorious in 410 cases.

Overweight Man Repeatedly Introduced To Overweight Woman At Party

ALTOONA, PA—Over the course of a five-hour party Saturday, 315-pound Gene Cooper was introduced to 288-pound Cynthia Lerman nine times. "Once or twice an hour, someone would come over to tell me that there's someone at the party they think I'd really like," Cooper said. According to partygoers, Lerman is a real sweet gal, and she and Cooper would probably find they have a lot in common.

Birthplace Of President Carter Accidentally Visited

PLAINS, GA—Lost en route to Albany, GA, vacationing couple Mark and Celia Winocur of Phoenix inadvertently visited the birthplace of former president Jimmy Carter Monday. "We got off at the wrong exit and were trying to get back on the highway when we started seeing all these signs," Mark said. "I figured they led back to I-95, but somehow we wound up right in front of the house where Jimmy Carter was born.'" After buying a road map at Miller's General Store, where the 39th president first learned the value of a dollar as a young boy, the Winocurs were once again on their way to their intended destination.

Depression & The Second Lady

Last week, former clinical-depression sufferer Tipper Gore held a conference at the White House to raise awareness of mental illness, from which she said 50 million Americans suffer. What do you think about Gore's effort to draw attention to mental health?
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The Spartans Are Fags vs. The Spartans Did Indeed Engage In Homosexual Activity

The Spartans Are Fags

The Muncie Spartans are such total fucking fags, dude. That whole entire school is gay, but the guys on the football team are the biggest homos of all. The Westbridge High Panthers beat the Spartans four out of the last five games, and the one we lost? That was when our quarterback, Kent, had the flu.

Fucking Spartans, man. I bet they do each other right in the locker room, 'cause they can't even wait until they get back on the bus.

Look at their queer uniforms, man. They love prancing around in that gay-ass green-and-yellow shit. And as soon as they get announced, they're on the field prancing like fucking fairies or something. They'd probably be happier running around naked, though, and looking at each other's dicks. Ripping through their gay "Go Spartans!" banner; like anyone would think that's cool, except for the fudge-packers who go to Muncie.

And they got no fuckin' defense, man. Last year, during the big homecoming game, we lit those flamers up for 48 points. Their offense sucks, too. They can't throw a pass, 'cause of their limp wrists. Or probably their wrists are so sore from jacking each other off all the time.

I tell you what, dude: On Saturday, me, Kent, and Kent's brother Steve are gonna drive out to Muncie High and totally steal their rock. At first we thought instead of stealing it, we'd just paint "Spartans Are Fags" on it, but you know they'd just paint right over it, like the fags they are, with some gay pink flowers or shit. So we're gonna swipe the fucker. Then, when the Spartans all come to school on Monday, they're gonna see the rock is gone, and they'll all be like, "Look at what homo pussies we are! We can't even hang on to our rock!"

The Spartans Did Indeed Engage In Homosexual Activity

There is no question that the Spartans were involved in homosexual activity. All of the leading texts on the matter make mention of it. Spartan men would often take a young boy under their wing in a close-knit, mentor-type relationship which included sexual relations. Though frowned upon within the strictures of most contemporary social norms, man-boy "eros" was a deeply rooted aspect of traditional Spartan society. Some even theorize that it bolstered their military strength by creating armies which were psychologically more close-knit.

But despite all of this, Mr. Gilchrist's assertion that the uniform of a Spartan soldier reflects a homosexual influence is something of a stretch, in my opinion. The interlocking bronze strips which protected a hoplite soldier from waist to knees admittedly resembled a skirt, but there is, to the best of my knowledge, no connection between homosexuality and the modes of dress common to Spartan society.

As for competing naked, the Spartans are believed to be the ones who introduced nudity to the ancient Olympic games in Greece, so there does exist evidence supporting Mr. Gilchrist's theory on this matter.

However, I must vigorously object to my esteemed colleague's criticism of the Spartans' defense. When one studies the Spartans' courageous stand against the Persians at Thermopylae in 480 B.C., one cannot realistically impugn their defensive prowess. Knowing that the Persian assault was all but certain to end in their deaths, the outmanned Spartans took up arms and ferociously fought until their entire army lay dead, inflicting on the Persians casualties far greater than any military expert would have realistically projected.

In short, though Mr. Gilchrist's basic thesis is grounded in fact, it is nevertheless exaggerated. Yes, the Spartans engaged in homosexuality, but the repetitive, explicit details of various homosexual relations to which Mr. Gilchrist returns again and again, distorting and overstating these homosexual aspects of Spartan society well beyond their actual sociohistoric importance (i.e. their impact on Spartan combat strategy), seem to indicate that he has some sort of hidden agenda at work. Perhaps Mr. Gilchrist needs to examine his personal motivations more closely before he is ready to offer a balanced assessment of Spartan sexual mores and conduct.

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