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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.
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This Man Obviously Has Substance Abuse Problems And No Capacity To Love vs. But You Love Him!

This Man Obviously Has Substance Abuse Problems And No Capacity To Love

It is time to face facts: Your boyfriend has nothing to offer you. He is a mean drunk, a liar, a cheater, and an emotional drain. He contributes nothing to your life but added stress and self-doubt. You have been together five months and he wants to move in, but never once has he said "I love you," and he never even refers to you as his girlfriend. Clearly, he only wants to live with you because he is two months behind in his rent and is about to get evicted.

Stop making excuses for him. He cannot hold down a job because he is lazy, not because the jobs don't suit his talents or because he's making some kind of shrewd career move. What could possibly be redeemable about someone who steals money out of his girlfriend's purse to buy coke, and doesn't deny it or apologize when she calls him on it?

You must recognize his manipulative behavior and not mistake it for love or compassion. When you confront him with very reasonable concerns, he tries to cow you with guilt or anger. It is not normal, it is not healthy, and it happens time and again.

Your friends, coworkers, parents, brother, and sister all agree that he does not treat you well, that he is irresponsible, that he is mean and unpleasant. They simply cannot all be wrong.

Your worry and pain far outweigh the good times you have enjoyed. Even sex is a chore with him. He tries to put the blame on you by saying you "did it all wrong" or he "always has to do all the work," but he only says that to mask his own physical inadequacy and excuse his selfishness. And do not defend him by bringing up the mix CD he gave you four months ago. It was one cliché gesture and they were all songs he liked anyway.

There is no reason to continue being with someone who exploits your good nature and saps your self-confidence. You must break it off with him immediately. Period.

Do not let him talk you out of it this time.

But You Love Him!

None of that other stuff should matter when you love somebody. What, you're going to abandon someone who's battling an uncontrollable addiction—right when he needs you the most? Maybe you're the one who's being selfish.

You haven't been working at it enough. Relationships are never easy. Don't be a quitter. If you keep on loving him no matter what, the chance this will work out can only improve! He'll finally realize how much he's been taking you for granted. He'll get a job, buy you a ring, and it'll be true love at last. It's going to be so awesome!

Just think of how cute your babies will be!

He can't be a drug addict forever. People change and grow over time. They do. I really believe it. But if you leave him now, he won't, and it will be all your fault. What he needs the most is a really supportive girlfriend who will help him get out of his $30,000 debt so he can record his demo and get steady DJ work again. He is going to be so appreciative. Maybe he'll write a song about you!

If your family and friends won't accept your boyfriend, they probably aren't real friends or are just jealous. Heck, Mom and Dad never have anything nice to say about your boyfriends anyhow. Don't reject him like everyone else has. Just focus on your relationship. In time, everyone will realize how wrong they've been.

He's a very smart, creative, unique guy, you know. Remember when he made you that mix CD? That was so romantic! Don't be so egotistical that you can't take a little criticism from him. Instead, you should thank him. True, he's not all sappy and lovey-dovey. But you see something past that gruff exterior that no one else can!

Remember how depressed he was after the first time you forgave him for cheating? He didn't talk to you for weeks. Well, he learned his lesson. I have a feeling that the bumps in the road are behind you. The heart has a gift for knowing what the brain doesn't.

Why throw this great thing away? I don't like saying this, but if you dump him, you do run the risk of never being with someone again. It could happen. And you remember how much it sucks to be single. So count your blessings.

Whatever you do, don't let go! Every long-term relationship has its ups and downs. If you really love him, you've got to be in it for the long haul. That's what real love is all about.

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