adBlockCheck

Recent News

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
End Of Section
  • More News

We Gave Rex To A Nice Farm Family vs. They Had Me Put To Sleep At The Vet

We Gave Rex To A Nice Farm Family

Don't you worry about Rex. Your father and I gave him to a nice farm family. Now he'll be able to run and jump and play outside all day long.

I know you loved Rex, but it just wasn't fair to keep him cooped up here in this tiny little house. We could tell he wasn't happy. Rex needed someplace where he could run around. We explained to Rex that we all love him very much, but that this was better for everyone, especially him.

Rex's new owners, the MacGregors, will love him every bit as much as we did. They promised to buy him his favorite food and spend many hours playing with him every day. We even sent along his red-checkered blanket and his favorite squeak toy. Rex will be very happy with the MacGregors.

As we drove away, Rex was barking and chasing a rabbit. He was so happy to be outside. He was smiling and yipping and running through a big field of daisies! We took some pictures, but we accidentally dropped the camera in the beautiful trout-filled stream that runs through the middle of the farm.

Rex is happier where he is now. He'll always remember you and love you, but now he can make lots of new animal friends on the farm. He won't be lonely while you're away at school all day. And he won't have to wait all day for us to get home to take him outside, so he won't go pee-pee on the floor, and daddy won't chase him out into the garage with his shoe.

Your father and I were thinking that maybe this weekend we could go and get some goldfish. You can name one Rex if you want.

They Had Me Put To Sleep At The Vet

Actually, what you've been told isn't exactly the truth. I was put to sleep at the vet. That one right around the corner from your house, in fact. Your parents went out to lunch afterwards—that's why they were gone so long.

As they drove off, I wasn't chasing any rabbits, and I wasn't frolicking in any daisy fields. No, I was crammed into a 3'x3' cage with a bunch of other doomed dogs, terrified beyond belief as I waited my turn to be put down.

On the upside, I wasn't in the cage very long. The vet soon took me out, injected me with 8 cc's of pentobarbitol, and that was that. So long, Rex, been good to know you.

After that, some veterinary assistant tossed my carcass into the back of a van along with those of a Siamese cat with leukemia, a 17-year-old German Shepherd, and a Fox Terrier that got hit by a car. About five hours later, we were all hauled off to be cremated. If you want to visit my ashes, they're in the gravel pit behind Al's Rendering & Cremation on Rand Road.

Your mom and dad didn't even wait until the deed was done. They just mumbled something about being late for another appointment, wrote the check, and made a beeline for the door. The vet asked them if they wanted my collar, and your mother just sort of looked puzzled and said, "What for?"

I suppose they did stay for a minute or two, mostly to haggle over the fee with the receptionist, but then—poof!—they were gone without so much as a "you've been a good boy."

From what I've heard, all this happened because I was digging in the plants. Just for the record, it wasn't me. I do happen to recall a certain member of the household making a racetrack for his Matchbox cars in the philodendrons, though. But what good would it do to name names now? I'm history.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close