adBlockCheck

We Gave Rex To A Nice Farm Family vs. They Had Me Put To Sleep At The Vet

Top Headlines

Recent News

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

We Gave Rex To A Nice Farm Family vs. They Had Me Put To Sleep At The Vet

We Gave Rex To A Nice Farm Family

Don't you worry about Rex. Your father and I gave him to a nice farm family. Now he'll be able to run and jump and play outside all day long.

I know you loved Rex, but it just wasn't fair to keep him cooped up here in this tiny little house. We could tell he wasn't happy. Rex needed someplace where he could run around. We explained to Rex that we all love him very much, but that this was better for everyone, especially him.

Rex's new owners, the MacGregors, will love him every bit as much as we did. They promised to buy him his favorite food and spend many hours playing with him every day. We even sent along his red-checkered blanket and his favorite squeak toy. Rex will be very happy with the MacGregors.

As we drove away, Rex was barking and chasing a rabbit. He was so happy to be outside. He was smiling and yipping and running through a big field of daisies! We took some pictures, but we accidentally dropped the camera in the beautiful trout-filled stream that runs through the middle of the farm.

Rex is happier where he is now. He'll always remember you and love you, but now he can make lots of new animal friends on the farm. He won't be lonely while you're away at school all day. And he won't have to wait all day for us to get home to take him outside, so he won't go pee-pee on the floor, and daddy won't chase him out into the garage with his shoe.

Your father and I were thinking that maybe this weekend we could go and get some goldfish. You can name one Rex if you want.

They Had Me Put To Sleep At The Vet

Actually, what you've been told isn't exactly the truth. I was put to sleep at the vet. That one right around the corner from your house, in fact. Your parents went out to lunch afterwards—that's why they were gone so long.

As they drove off, I wasn't chasing any rabbits, and I wasn't frolicking in any daisy fields. No, I was crammed into a 3'x3' cage with a bunch of other doomed dogs, terrified beyond belief as I waited my turn to be put down.

On the upside, I wasn't in the cage very long. The vet soon took me out, injected me with 8 cc's of pentobarbitol, and that was that. So long, Rex, been good to know you.

After that, some veterinary assistant tossed my carcass into the back of a van along with those of a Siamese cat with leukemia, a 17-year-old German Shepherd, and a Fox Terrier that got hit by a car. About five hours later, we were all hauled off to be cremated. If you want to visit my ashes, they're in the gravel pit behind Al's Rendering & Cremation on Rand Road.

Your mom and dad didn't even wait until the deed was done. They just mumbled something about being late for another appointment, wrote the check, and made a beeline for the door. The vet asked them if they wanted my collar, and your mother just sort of looked puzzled and said, "What for?"

I suppose they did stay for a minute or two, mostly to haggle over the fee with the receptionist, but then—poof!—they were gone without so much as a "you've been a good boy."

From what I've heard, all this happened because I was digging in the plants. Just for the record, it wasn't me. I do happen to recall a certain member of the household making a racetrack for his Matchbox cars in the philodendrons, though. But what good would it do to name names now? I'm history.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close