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We Must Do Everything We Can For The Children vs. Children, Schmildren

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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing

‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.

Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative

NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.
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We Must Do Everything We Can For The Children vs. Children, Schmildren

We Must Do Everything We Can For The Children

Do you realize that a recent UNICEF study showed that nine million U.S. children suffer from malnutrition? And that 2,699 infants are born into poverty every day in this country? And that families with children account for 39 percent of America's homeless population? This should not be!

And that's only the beginning. America's children suffer in a myriad of other ways. Child abuse occurs with frightening frequency. Child abandonment figures steadily climb as the average age of our nation's mothers continues to drop. The number of minors in prison has quadrupled over the last 25 years. How can we let this happen?

It is absolutely shameful that the United States, the richest nation on the face of the earth, has failed to meet even the most basic needs of its young.

And the rest of the world is failing too. Worldwide, over 21 million children under the age of five die each year as a result of malnutrition and other preventable diseases. According to a joint study by the World Bank and United Nations Youth Development Council, more than 1.3 billion people live on the equivalent of less than one dollar a day. We've got to do something!

We're nearing a crisis situation, and the time to act is now. The children are the planet's future: If we don't get our priorities straight and care for them now, the result will be truly tragic for future generations.

Children, Schmildren

Yap, yap, yap. For as long as I can remember, people have been yapping about schools for the children, health-care for the children, food for the children, clothing for the children, shelter for the children. Fuck the children.

Day after day it's shoved down our throats: We have to love the children and prepare them for tomorrow. We're supposed to prevent them from falling down wells and out of cars, and we're supposed to keep toxic chemicals out of their reach. We're supposed to change the babies' diapers and call a doctor when they stop breathing. Christ almighty, when do we get a break? Do the children ever stop taking? For just once, let's let the children fend for themselves.

They were spouting off the same crap in the '60s, about how we have to take care of the children because they're our planet's future. And you know what happened when we didn't take care of them? Nothing! They grew up and became adults, and the planet didn't end!

I swear, if I hear one more word about the goddamn children, I'm going to choke somebody.

Babies are dying, children are starving, teenagers are turning to drugs and prostitution. Blah, blah, blah. How many times can you hear about kids living in cardboard boxes and young girls being sold into sexual slavery before you just have to scream, shut up about the goddamn children, already?

I propose we put the children last for a few years. Then we could finally pay attention to some of the issues that really matter, like my need for a brand-new fishing boat. The children can ram it.

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