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We Must Do Everything We Can For The Children vs. Children, Schmildren

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Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Who Is Gary Johnson?

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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing
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We Must Do Everything We Can For The Children vs. Children, Schmildren

We Must Do Everything We Can For The Children

Do you realize that a recent UNICEF study showed that nine million U.S. children suffer from malnutrition? And that 2,699 infants are born into poverty every day in this country? And that families with children account for 39 percent of America's homeless population? This should not be!

And that's only the beginning. America's children suffer in a myriad of other ways. Child abuse occurs with frightening frequency. Child abandonment figures steadily climb as the average age of our nation's mothers continues to drop. The number of minors in prison has quadrupled over the last 25 years. How can we let this happen?

It is absolutely shameful that the United States, the richest nation on the face of the earth, has failed to meet even the most basic needs of its young.

And the rest of the world is failing too. Worldwide, over 21 million children under the age of five die each year as a result of malnutrition and other preventable diseases. According to a joint study by the World Bank and United Nations Youth Development Council, more than 1.3 billion people live on the equivalent of less than one dollar a day. We've got to do something!

We're nearing a crisis situation, and the time to act is now. The children are the planet's future: If we don't get our priorities straight and care for them now, the result will be truly tragic for future generations.

Children, Schmildren

Yap, yap, yap. For as long as I can remember, people have been yapping about schools for the children, health-care for the children, food for the children, clothing for the children, shelter for the children. Fuck the children.

Day after day it's shoved down our throats: We have to love the children and prepare them for tomorrow. We're supposed to prevent them from falling down wells and out of cars, and we're supposed to keep toxic chemicals out of their reach. We're supposed to change the babies' diapers and call a doctor when they stop breathing. Christ almighty, when do we get a break? Do the children ever stop taking? For just once, let's let the children fend for themselves.

They were spouting off the same crap in the '60s, about how we have to take care of the children because they're our planet's future. And you know what happened when we didn't take care of them? Nothing! They grew up and became adults, and the planet didn't end!

I swear, if I hear one more word about the goddamn children, I'm going to choke somebody.

Babies are dying, children are starving, teenagers are turning to drugs and prostitution. Blah, blah, blah. How many times can you hear about kids living in cardboard boxes and young girls being sold into sexual slavery before you just have to scream, shut up about the goddamn children, already?

I propose we put the children last for a few years. Then we could finally pay attention to some of the issues that really matter, like my need for a brand-new fishing boat. The children can ram it.

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