Who Wants A Belly Rub? vs. I Want A Belly Rub

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Vol 49 Issue 34

Breaking Bad

AMC 9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT LeVar Burton takes children out to a river, where they catch rainbow trout and try to discern the fish’s personality just by how it flops around on the shore.

Monday, September 2

Due to budget cuts, beginning next week the library is replacing Movie Mondays with Blondie Comic–Reading Mondays.

$80,000 Wedding Beautiful

The Obama family adopts a 44-Year-Old Portuguese water man, a report shows that employers know within the first five minutes whether or not they will murder an applicant, and well, the neighbors just got a pitbull.

Chuck Klosterman Corners Guy At Party Wearing Dio Shirt

NEW YORK—Author Chuck Klosterman reportedly cornered a guy who was wearing a Dio shirt at a party Thursday evening and dominated an exhaustive discussion on the metal band, addressing the group’s fantasy themes, deconstructing lyrics, and expo...

Ben Affleck To Play Batman

The president of Warner Bros. announced yesterday that Ben Affleck will play the role of Batman in the 2015 sequel to this summer’s Man of Steel, in which Batman will join forces with Superman.
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Who Wants A Belly Rub? vs. I Want A Belly Rub

Who Wants A Belly Rub?

Aw, who’s a good boy? Who’s a good little boy? Does someone want a belly rub? Does someone want to roll over and let me rub his belly? Who does? Who? Does someone want me to wub his bewwy wewwy wewwy?

Does a special little boy want a good scratch on his little belly? A good scratchy scratch for a very good boy?

Who’s got the best belly? Who’s got the best? And what about those ears? Who wants a scratchy scratch behind those ears? Who does? Who’s a big ol’ scruffy duffy boy who wants scratchy behind those floppy ears?

Who’s the cutest little boy in the whole wide world? Who wants a tummy scratch? Who’s gonna drooly wooly all over when you get your belly rubbed? Who is? Are you gonna be a big slobbery boy?

A-who wants a belly rub? A-who, a-who, a-who wants a belly rub?

I Want A Belly Rub

Good afternoon. My name is Clayton R. Powell III of Bard Capital Investments, and it’s come to my attention that you’ve asked who would like a belly rub. I’m a busy man with a very tight schedule, but I have a good belly and I want it to be rubbed.

According to my planner, I have a quick five-minute window between meetings, so the timing is good on my end. I can lie down on my back with my arms and legs in the air, or I can lie down on my side, and then you can proceed to rub my belly. My belly welly.

As for my ears and the question of whether or not I would like them to be scratched in addition to my belly, well, I would like that very much. I haven’t had a good ear scratch in some time, Ms. Burnsworth, and my fwoppy woppys could use a good scratchy scratch.

That said, I hope you don’t mind me wanting both. You have asked who would like a belly rub and an ear scratch, and I am simply taking you up on both offers. Now, to answer several of your other questions: I am the cutest little boy in the whole world. I have the best belly. And I am a big ol’ scruffy duffy boy.

Now, if you are going to rub my belly and scratch my ears, perhaps we should schedule a day when I’m not so pressed for time. When I get my tummy and ears scratched I don’t like to feel rushed. You understand. Monday I am meeting with the Dalton Group, so that is out. Tuesday is our big meeting with Japan. Wednesday I am golfing with several members of the board.

I could do a lunch belly rub on Thursday. Would that suit you, Ms. Burnsworth? A Thursday belly rub and ear scratch? I could have my car pick you up.

Might I also request you scratch under my chin? I very much enjoy that.

Now, Ms. Burnsworth, you should be aware that there is a spot on my belly that, when scratched, makes my leg go up and down and causes me to pant. When my leg goes up and down and I am panting that means I am really enjoying the belly rub. And, you guessed it, Ms. Burnsworth, I am going to drool when this happens. I am going to be a big slobbery boy.

So, to reiterate, I would like a belly rub. Please contact my personal assistant Heather at extension 243 and she will take care of the arrangements.

Good day.

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