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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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Whoooooo! Bears! vs. Aaaaaggh! Bears!

Whoooooo! Bears!

Man, what a beautiful day for football. I cannot wait to see those Bears do their thing. Today's the day they're finally gonna win one at home.

All right! The Bears! They're taking the field! Whoooo, Bears! Go, Bears, go! Whoooo! All right! Whoooo! Who let the dogs out? Who! Who! The Bears, that's who!

Yo, Henry! Grab a beer and a burger and get ready for a real battle! Get in here! The Bears are gonna go right trough the Vikes like they're not even there!

What? Jesus Christ! Yes! It's McNown! He's not even supposed to play today! I guess the shoulder's not as bad as they thought! All right! Go get 'em, Cade! Whoooo!

All right, Bears! We gotta take it to the house!

Come on, Allen, run! Run, for chrissakes! No! No, they're gonna get him from behind! Wait–yes! Yes! Beautiful! Give him a few more carries, baby, and we got a chance! That's the way.

And they said we shouldn't have taken that kid in the draft. Whoooo!

Jesus, that Urlacher is huge! The way he took Smith down with one arm? God almighty! We'll see that over and over on SportsCenter tonight, I bet. And I'm never gonna get sick of it.

Run, baby, run! Dammit, Bears! Why did you have to roll over and go to sleep like that? They're gonna beat themselves, the way they keep relaxing out there.

Aww, no! No! Stupid fucking Villarrial! You gotta make that block! Stupid bastard! Work out there, will you?

Oh, my God! Hail mary! The whole game comes down to this.

Yes! That's the way! Yes, yes, yes! Robinson's at the 20! The 15! The 10! The 5! He's got it! He's got it! Thank you, Jesus! Time's run out and it's all over! It's all over!

WHOOOOOO!

Aaaaaggh! Bears!

Man, what a beautiful day for a camping trip. I cannot wait to get down to the lake. Today's a perfect day to get away from home.

Oh, my God! Bears! They're coming across the field! Aaaaggh! Bears! Aaaaggh! Go, kids! Go! Run! Leave the dog! Aaaaggh! Bears!

No, honey! Leave the beer and the burgers and just run! Run! Get out of here! The bears are going right through the tent like it's not even there!

What? Jesus Christ! No! Not Connie! She's not supposed to go this way! No! Don't let 'em get you, Connie! No! Aaaaggh!

Aaaaggh! Bears! We've got to try and make it to the car!

Come on, Bernie, run! Run, for chrissakes! It's gonna get you from behind! Go! Oh, God, no! NO! God, it's too horrible! He never had a chance carrying that baby.

We never should've taken the kids here! Aaaaggh!

Jesus, that motherfucker is huge! The way he dragged Connie down by her arm? God, almighty! I'll never forget that. I'll see that over and over again for the rest of my life. I think I'm gonna be sick.

Run, baby, run! Damn you, bears! Why can't you just go away and leave us alone? Why don't you go off and eat each other? We just wanted to relax out here!

Aaaaggh, no! No! Stupid fucking car keys! Open the goddamn lock! Stupid bastard! Work, goddamn you! Work!

Oh, my God! Hail Mary, full of grace! My whole life has come down to this.

No! Not this way! No, no, no! The bear is within 20! 15! 10! 5! He's got me! He's got me! Aaaaggh! Time's up! Oh, Jesus! Aaaaggh! It's all over! It's all over!

AAAAAGGH!

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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