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Whoooooo! Bears! vs. Aaaaaggh! Bears!

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Driving Vs. Public Transportation

Weighing factors such as convenience, time commitment, and environmental impact, deciding whether to commute via car or public transit can be difficult. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Whoooooo! Bears! vs. Aaaaaggh! Bears!

Whoooooo! Bears!

Man, what a beautiful day for football. I cannot wait to see those Bears do their thing. Today's the day they're finally gonna win one at home.

All right! The Bears! They're taking the field! Whoooo, Bears! Go, Bears, go! Whoooo! All right! Whoooo! Who let the dogs out? Who! Who! The Bears, that's who!

Yo, Henry! Grab a beer and a burger and get ready for a real battle! Get in here! The Bears are gonna go right trough the Vikes like they're not even there!

What? Jesus Christ! Yes! It's McNown! He's not even supposed to play today! I guess the shoulder's not as bad as they thought! All right! Go get 'em, Cade! Whoooo!

All right, Bears! We gotta take it to the house!

Come on, Allen, run! Run, for chrissakes! No! No, they're gonna get him from behind! Wait–yes! Yes! Beautiful! Give him a few more carries, baby, and we got a chance! That's the way.

And they said we shouldn't have taken that kid in the draft. Whoooo!

Jesus, that Urlacher is huge! The way he took Smith down with one arm? God almighty! We'll see that over and over on SportsCenter tonight, I bet. And I'm never gonna get sick of it.

Run, baby, run! Dammit, Bears! Why did you have to roll over and go to sleep like that? They're gonna beat themselves, the way they keep relaxing out there.

Aww, no! No! Stupid fucking Villarrial! You gotta make that block! Stupid bastard! Work out there, will you?

Oh, my God! Hail mary! The whole game comes down to this.

Yes! That's the way! Yes, yes, yes! Robinson's at the 20! The 15! The 10! The 5! He's got it! He's got it! Thank you, Jesus! Time's run out and it's all over! It's all over!

WHOOOOOO!

Aaaaaggh! Bears!

Man, what a beautiful day for a camping trip. I cannot wait to get down to the lake. Today's a perfect day to get away from home.

Oh, my God! Bears! They're coming across the field! Aaaaggh! Bears! Aaaaggh! Go, kids! Go! Run! Leave the dog! Aaaaggh! Bears!

No, honey! Leave the beer and the burgers and just run! Run! Get out of here! The bears are going right through the tent like it's not even there!

What? Jesus Christ! No! Not Connie! She's not supposed to go this way! No! Don't let 'em get you, Connie! No! Aaaaggh!

Aaaaggh! Bears! We've got to try and make it to the car!

Come on, Bernie, run! Run, for chrissakes! It's gonna get you from behind! Go! Oh, God, no! NO! God, it's too horrible! He never had a chance carrying that baby.

We never should've taken the kids here! Aaaaggh!

Jesus, that motherfucker is huge! The way he dragged Connie down by her arm? God, almighty! I'll never forget that. I'll see that over and over again for the rest of my life. I think I'm gonna be sick.

Run, baby, run! Damn you, bears! Why can't you just go away and leave us alone? Why don't you go off and eat each other? We just wanted to relax out here!

Aaaaggh, no! No! Stupid fucking car keys! Open the goddamn lock! Stupid bastard! Work, goddamn you! Work!

Oh, my God! Hail Mary, full of grace! My whole life has come down to this.

No! Not this way! No, no, no! The bear is within 20! 15! 10! 5! He's got me! He's got me! Aaaaggh! Time's up! Oh, Jesus! Aaaaggh! It's all over! It's all over!

AAAAAGGH!

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