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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Whoooooo! Bears! vs. Aaaaaggh! Bears!

Whoooooo! Bears!

Man, what a beautiful day for football. I cannot wait to see those Bears do their thing. Today's the day they're finally gonna win one at home.

All right! The Bears! They're taking the field! Whoooo, Bears! Go, Bears, go! Whoooo! All right! Whoooo! Who let the dogs out? Who! Who! The Bears, that's who!

Yo, Henry! Grab a beer and a burger and get ready for a real battle! Get in here! The Bears are gonna go right trough the Vikes like they're not even there!

What? Jesus Christ! Yes! It's McNown! He's not even supposed to play today! I guess the shoulder's not as bad as they thought! All right! Go get 'em, Cade! Whoooo!

All right, Bears! We gotta take it to the house!

Come on, Allen, run! Run, for chrissakes! No! No, they're gonna get him from behind! Wait–yes! Yes! Beautiful! Give him a few more carries, baby, and we got a chance! That's the way.

And they said we shouldn't have taken that kid in the draft. Whoooo!

Jesus, that Urlacher is huge! The way he took Smith down with one arm? God almighty! We'll see that over and over on SportsCenter tonight, I bet. And I'm never gonna get sick of it.

Run, baby, run! Dammit, Bears! Why did you have to roll over and go to sleep like that? They're gonna beat themselves, the way they keep relaxing out there.

Aww, no! No! Stupid fucking Villarrial! You gotta make that block! Stupid bastard! Work out there, will you?

Oh, my God! Hail mary! The whole game comes down to this.

Yes! That's the way! Yes, yes, yes! Robinson's at the 20! The 15! The 10! The 5! He's got it! He's got it! Thank you, Jesus! Time's run out and it's all over! It's all over!

WHOOOOOO!

Aaaaaggh! Bears!

Man, what a beautiful day for a camping trip. I cannot wait to get down to the lake. Today's a perfect day to get away from home.

Oh, my God! Bears! They're coming across the field! Aaaaggh! Bears! Aaaaggh! Go, kids! Go! Run! Leave the dog! Aaaaggh! Bears!

No, honey! Leave the beer and the burgers and just run! Run! Get out of here! The bears are going right through the tent like it's not even there!

What? Jesus Christ! No! Not Connie! She's not supposed to go this way! No! Don't let 'em get you, Connie! No! Aaaaggh!

Aaaaggh! Bears! We've got to try and make it to the car!

Come on, Bernie, run! Run, for chrissakes! It's gonna get you from behind! Go! Oh, God, no! NO! God, it's too horrible! He never had a chance carrying that baby.

We never should've taken the kids here! Aaaaggh!

Jesus, that motherfucker is huge! The way he dragged Connie down by her arm? God, almighty! I'll never forget that. I'll see that over and over again for the rest of my life. I think I'm gonna be sick.

Run, baby, run! Damn you, bears! Why can't you just go away and leave us alone? Why don't you go off and eat each other? We just wanted to relax out here!

Aaaaggh, no! No! Stupid fucking car keys! Open the goddamn lock! Stupid bastard! Work, goddamn you! Work!

Oh, my God! Hail Mary, full of grace! My whole life has come down to this.

No! Not this way! No, no, no! The bear is within 20! 15! 10! 5! He's got me! He's got me! Aaaaggh! Time's up! Oh, Jesus! Aaaaggh! It's all over! It's all over!

AAAAAGGH!

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