That in 1997 the manufacture of erotic novelty cakes is still the responsibility of the federal government is preposterous.
It is high time that erotic-cake production be privatized, both to improve their quality through free-market competition and to spur economic growth.
The U.S. government, with so many resources at its hands, should not concern itself with the mere construction of cakes, a technology we have long mastered. Let's face it: We know how to make pubic hair out of chocolate sprinkles. We know how to transform a Twinkie into an erect cock. Wouldn't your tax dollars be better spent funding the development of vital, new erotic-novelty products?
America's Spencer Gifts stores are nearly bankrupt, desperately trying to interest customers in the same old bendable-penis keychains year after year. Meanwhile, would-be innovators, starving for funding as Uncle Sam tightens his purse-strings, must close down research facilities, just as breast-shaped suckers, edible undies, and chocolate bars imprinted with sayings such as "Wanna screw?" near the final stages of development.
Will new, cutting-edge lipsticks that turn up to reveal a penis-shaped cosmetic product never reach the American people? Not if we continue to rest on our laurels.
We must privatize erotic-cake production immediately, not just for the sake of the Akron, OH, data-entry clerk searching for a new and interesting office-party gag, or the Phoenix bank teller who needs a bridal-shower gift, but for the United States, for so long a proud world leader.
No, Senator Ashcroft, the United States must not—and will not—return to the days when the manufacture of erotic novelty cakes was left in the hands of ordinary citizens.
Ever since President Truman ordered two pink gumdrops to be placed atop a white frosted breast cake in May 1947, America has been unrivaled in novelty-cake production. The end of the 1980s left us the unquestioned world leader in erotic novelty cakes, outproducing even France.
As the millennium approaches, the world looks to us more than ever for erotic-cake leadership. Each year, with bated breath, people everywhere await the release of America's new asshole cake.
It is easy to feel secure when government freezers overflow with double-layer hazelnut man-cakes. But what happens when that supply runs out? Let us not go back to the pre-World War II days, when two Hostess Sno-balls and a Twinkie on top of a defrosted Pepperidge Farm pound cake was acceptable fare for a bridal shower.
To halt federal erotic-cake funding would not only be senseless, but downright dangerous. If the U.S. were to stop making erotic cakes, other nations could easily catch up to us in gummi-nipple technology, or even master the construction of a freestanding erection cake. At this moment, North Korea is rumored to possess the technology for inserting a popsicle stick inside a sponge-cake penis for added stability.
To be an American is to know that we are leaders, not just in quantity of erotic novelty cakes produced, but in quality, as well. Anything less would be unacceptable.