YES vs. NO

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Vol 32 Issue 02

World's Muslims Lighten Up

JERUSALEM—After centuries of strict fundamentalism, Yasir Arafat and fellow Muslims are finally taking things a little less seriously.

Football Star Rusty In Sloppy Preseason Drug Bust

OAKLAND, CA—Oakland Raiders' cornerback Demetrius Phillips looked unimpressive in his first drug arrest of the preseason Monday, surrendering to police after a three-minute car chase and engaging in possession of less than two grams of marijuana. Adding to the lackluster quality of the bust, police said that as Phillips was handcuffed and carried off, he failed to shout, "Get your hands off me—I'll fuck you up, motherfuckers," ending a three-arrest streak. "Demetrius really looked rusty out there today," said Raiders defensive-backs coach Denny Carlisle. "If this was the middle of the season, he would have had at least 10 grams of coke on him and a loaded revolver, easy. He's definitely got his work cut out for him before the season opener."

Marilu Henner Named U.S. Secretary Of Mid-Level Talent

WASHINGTON, DC—In an official White House ceremony Monday, President Clinton appointed actress Marilu Henner the first-ever U.S. Secretary of Mid-Level Talent. "Until now, the needs of America's approximately 2,500 mid-level celebrities have been sorely ignored in Washington," Clinton said. "But I am confident that Secretary Henner, with her large but not overly impressive acting resume and her not-that-huge fame, is well-suited to represent marginally talented Americans like Mariette Hartley, Rene Auberjonois, Eileen Brennan and Peabo Bryson." For Henner's first act in office, she plans to promote awareness of veteran character actor Robert Wuhl, a supporting actor in Batman and Bull Durham, and star of the HBO original series Arli$$, "a man who still," Henner told reporters Tuesday, "exists."

Thing Happens

SUMATRA, INDONESIA—According to an unconfirmed report, a thing happened Monday, though experts say it is still not clear exactly what the thing was. "All we know at this time," University of Prague professor of phenomenology Rupert Heiden said, "is that some kind of thing happened." Ordinary citizens, meanwhile, are struggling to put the thing into proper perspective. "You just don't expect a thing like this to happen," Stockton, CA, resident Pamela Worthington said. "Not with things the way they've been." In a statement released late Tuesday, President Clinton urged all Americans to remain calm and allow things to take their natural course. "These things happen," he said.

Incorrect Pain-Reliever Brand Choice Results In Missed Job Promotion

SAN FRANCISCO—In a tragic case of pain-reliever brand choice gone wrong, Gus Farber, an assistant sales-team project coordinator with the marketing firm of Integrated Management Solutions, missed a rare opportunity for job advancement Monday due to an error in headache-relief medication selection.

Lilith Fair Fever

Lilith Fair, the all-female tour started by singer-songwriter Sarah McLachlan, is the hit of the summer concert season. Why are so many responding to it?
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YES vs. NO

YES

That in 1997 the manufacture of erotic novelty cakes is still the responsibility of the federal government is preposterous.
It is high time that erotic-cake production be privatized, both to improve their quality through free-market competition and to spur economic growth.

The U.S. government, with so many resources at its hands, should not concern itself with the mere construction of cakes, a technology we have long mastered. Let's face it: We know how to make pubic hair out of chocolate sprinkles. We know how to transform a Twinkie into an erect cock. Wouldn't your tax dollars be better spent funding the development of vital, new erotic-novelty products?

America's Spencer Gifts stores are nearly bankrupt, desperately trying to interest customers in the same old bendable-penis keychains year after year. Meanwhile, would-be innovators, starving for funding as Uncle Sam tightens his purse-strings, must close down research facilities, just as breast-shaped suckers, edible undies, and chocolate bars imprinted with sayings such as "Wanna screw?" near the final stages of development.

Will new, cutting-edge lipsticks that turn up to reveal a penis-shaped cosmetic product never reach the American people? Not if we continue to rest on our laurels.

We must privatize erotic-cake production immediately, not just for the sake of the Akron, OH, data-entry clerk searching for a new and interesting office-party gag, or the Phoenix bank teller who needs a bridal-shower gift, but for the United States, for so long a proud world leader.

NO

No, Senator Ashcroft, the United States must not—and will not—return to the days when the manufacture of erotic novelty cakes was left in the hands of ordinary citizens.
Ever since President Truman ordered two pink gumdrops to be placed atop a white frosted breast cake in May 1947, America has been unrivaled in novelty-cake production. The end of the 1980s left us the unquestioned world leader in erotic novelty cakes, outproducing even France.

As the millennium approaches, the world looks to us more than ever for erotic-cake leadership. Each year, with bated breath, people everywhere await the release of America's new asshole cake.

It is easy to feel secure when government freezers overflow with double-layer hazelnut man-cakes. But what happens when that supply runs out? Let us not go back to the pre-World War II days, when two Hostess Sno-balls and a Twinkie on top of a defrosted Pepperidge Farm pound cake was acceptable fare for a bridal shower.

To halt federal erotic-cake funding would not only be senseless, but downright dangerous. If the U.S. were to stop making erotic cakes, other nations could easily catch up to us in gummi-nipple technology, or even master the construction of a freestanding erection cake. At this moment, North Korea is rumored to possess the technology for inserting a popsicle stick inside a sponge-cake penis for added stability.

To be an American is to know that we are leaders, not just in quantity of erotic novelty cakes produced, but in quality, as well. Anything less would be unacceptable.

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